Another New Year's Blog

OK - How many blogs have you/will you read about the end of the year and the beginning of the next year? Tons! I am sure. Well, the same as some of my past entries, this was is mostly just for me. Here goes -

This year was better than 2007, which was my worst year on record so I should be thankful for that. However, I don't know that it was good.

My Dad's round of shots for his hepatitis did not work, but he is able to function now so that's good. He went back to driving trucks so that he didn't have to do as much manual labor. (He is getting pretty old!) On the other hand, he was laid off from that job this week. Ummfff!

Emotionally, this was the worst year for me. Physically, this was the best year. Although, both are slowly changing. I have not been keeping up with my running and/or exercising through the holidays. No excuses, I am just a slacker. Some days are good and some are horrible emotionally, so maybe I have not made as many changes as I thought or as I needed to.

Financially, this was one of the worst years for national economics. For our family, it has been good though. Not the best, by far, but good.

So after reading this back to myself, I have come to the conclusion that really, nothing is any different than any other year. Yesterday was the same, and even though tomorrow is a new year, it too, will be the same.

Too bad we can't really wipe the slate clean and start over at the beginning of the year! No, we really can't. We just change how we handle things and change the things we think need changing. For now, that will have to do.

Here's to 09!

Fall From Grace

I ran yesterday! I only ran around the block at home, not at the park therefore, I only went 2 miles, AND I didn't run the whole way. Yeah, no kidding. I am so out of it. It really took a lot for me to go out too because when I got home my husband had made roasted lamb with fresh green beans. YummM! On top of that, he asked me twice, "Are you sure you want to go run?" Do you know how hard that is??? Oh well. It was not great, but I did it. I wonder if I will get back into things either after the first of the year or this spring. I really hope so.

I have the same little sob story for my strength training. I can't remember the last time I did strength training. I weighed myself yesterday and realized that over the holiday season I have actually only gained maybe 5lbs, but my body looks the same as it did when I weighed 25lbs heavier because I have not done strength training. I bet that with the inches packed onto my waist and thighs I am probably still an extra large at Victoria's Secret, which if you remember right, that is what prompted me to do all of the fitness stuff to begin with. I was sad and depressed and was going to buy myself something to make me feel better, but the yoga pants I wanted depressed me even more because according to the waist size chart, I needed the biggest size they offered.

What is the point of doing all this if I am going to have the same body? I am way far off from the half marathon that I wanted to do so that is not a benefit right now. I don't look good for the New Year's party so there is no motivation there. I don't look better than any of my friends and my husband doesn't think I am the best thing since sliced bread.

But, no matter. I am going to keep going at it. Hopefully, my motivation will return full force with all the talk of New Year's resolutions and the bikini season coming up. If not, I will keep doing maintenance stuff sporadically to at least keep my weight under control. One day it will come back.

And one day I will go a full day without eating chocolate. (No, it still has not happened!)

Update

Wow, it feels like it has been a long time since I wrote - or did anything productive, for that matter!

I only ran twice since we spoke last. This winter running is not working out the way I planned! I am back up to 120 +lbs. I literally ate so much on Christmas day that I made myself sick.

Seriously. We got up and made breakfast, then, started cooking the dishes we were going to take to the in-law's house for lunch. Of course, I had to snack while we were cooking! I can't take a chance on the food not being good! Once we got over there, I snacked on some of the things other people brought until it was time to actually eat. I think I ate 2 plates of food and then sat there for about 3 hours still picking at stuff.

When we got home I felt so nasty and nauseous. I think I was running a fever, my skin was so hot to the touch! I really over did it and I could feel every pig-in-a-blanket that night.

On another note, everything else went really well. (see? This pattern of being happy and having a good time and being unproductive and fat??? Not just my imagination...) My Mom and Dad brought my nieces over to open everything on Christmas Eve. They got everything they ever dreamed of, I am sure because my living room floor was covered from one end to the other.

I will wrap this up with an update on selling cars. From the day after Christmas until New Year's, dealerships have the '13th month.' We call it this because in those few days we sell as many cars as we do in a normal month. Let me tell ya, I think we are more at 12 1/2 months! Business has picked up some but I don't see that we are quite on our way to selling that many cars. I guess I will keep crossing my fingers for now!

Hope everyone had a nice holiday. Here's to New Year's! I guess I will be one of the millions of people with the resolution to exercise more and get into shape. I was hoping to stay in shape and not have to be like everyone else! Oh well, just have to keep going.

Tis the Season

I have gained 8lbs in the last few days. Humph. I have been eating worse than I did when I was not calorie conscience! I have not done any cardio or strength training whatsoever. Let me tell ya, I am going to be so hot for the New Year's pajama party! Good Lord, please! Give me my willpower back! the bad thing is that during my eating fests - yes, I eat enough for these to be fests at this point - I think about the consequences of eating whatever I am shoveling into my face at the time and still don't have the control enough to stop. I am also letting my husband influence me on not exercising or running. Not necessarily that he talks me out of it, but he has other things for us to do while he is around.

This had become so much a part of who I am (was) and I was so proud of myself! I still think that I can't be mentally happy and physically healthy at the same time. If I get depressed again I know that it will be right back to spinach salads (which I love!) and running twice a day. Hopefully, I can get back to the self control without the sacrifice of my sanity!!!

I know that this is the same rant and rave of every female about this time of year, which is one reason that I hate to even let the words spill out. I know that I am no different. But, if I don't write it here then I would have to say it out loud and annoy all of my friends and family.

This post is the perfect example of why I write here. No one reads this or knows about it so I can rant and rave all I want! As always, dear diary, thanks for listening!

Not Good...

I did not run last night. My husband called right before I left work and I was on the fence at that point. So he said rather than starting dinner he was going to take a nap. I was exhausted myself so I just went home. I know that if I would have ran, I would have probably felt better. Instead, I went home and took a nap with him, which I have not done in a long time.

This morning my alarm went off and I drifted back to sleep, but only for a few minutes. I was too tired to put in an effort to make breakfast so, of course, I went to McDonald's. My breakfasts for the past 2 mornings have been a sausage biscuit and about 12ozs of milk. That's right, add it up! Almost 800 calories just for breakfast. Both mornings I have also had about 5-8 cookies, a huge lunch and just as big of a breakfast. Tomorrow will be 1 week since I have done any running or cardio of any kind and 2 or 3 weeks since I have been full throttle with it.

I knew this was going to happen. I am in no shape for a pajama party on New Year's Eve, no shape for running at all really. I am flabby and uncomfortable, yet again, right before an event that I wanted to look nice for. I am loosing my motivation because the running has been so bad. I can't get my eating under control. This is the hardest time I have had with food in my entire life.

I am feeling like pure crap today for the first time that I can remember in about 10 years. I am at work and I do have to go to my second job today, Saturday and Sunday. If I can make it until then, I am off from both places for the rest of the week.

On the other hand, I am very happy with my life at this moment in time. That just goes to show you that my theory is true and I am having a hard time turning it around. I am the opposite of an emotional eater. When I am sad, I eat right, I exercise, I am the epitome of focused. But, if I am happy with my life then I don't care.

I hope - I HOPE that I can turn this around next week. Maybe all the talk about New Year's Resolutions and weight loss challenges that always comes up around this week of the year will motivate me to get moving again. I am sure if I step on the scale I would get some of that motivation! I can't imagine how much I have gained back!

Christmas Cheer

Last night was our company Christmas party. We went to a prime steak house in town and it was the first time I had ever eaten there. The waitress painted a very vivid picture of their Tomahawk Steak. I don't remember her exact words she used to describe this mammoth of a heavenly steak; I quit listening at the words 32ozs. WOW. She made me taste the steak with her description. I know, that's how they get ya. She was very good at her job!

I ordered the steak and ate a pretty good portion of it! I was proud of myself for putting a pretty good dent in it after the drinks...the appetizers...the drinks...the side dishes...the drinks.... you get the point! After that, I split a brownie a la mode too!

This ranked up there on my list of Christmas parties. It was pretty awesome. It was kind of like the family sitting down for dinner. There was plenty of good food, and drinks, er, I mean, Christmas cheer!

Reflections of 2008

As we all know, 2008 is wrapping up and we are falling fast for 2009. Over the past few days I have been thinking about some of the things that have happened in my life this year.

At this time last year, I was sure that 2007 was the worst year of my life. I still believe that and hopefully, I will not ever have a year to contend with 2007 for the Worst Year award. Due, in part, to spill over from 2007's disasters, 2008 has been a rough year also. Looking back, I think that I had things and people in my life that I depended on and routines that I was too comfortable with and when those things were not there anymore, I did not handle the changes well. Because of my inabilities to adapt, the adjustments were harder than they had to be.

However, I made it through with some dignity, anyway. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting and clawing my way each step, but at least I still have claws to gain traction with. People always come out on the other side of whatever tragedy or darkness they go through, but I am a firm believer that it is your condition when you reach the other side that matters. Mine is a total mental battle and I am nowhere near a tragedy, but this is the worst time I have had, therefore, to me, if not to anyone else, it has been a big deal. I feel that 2007 was the bottom of the hill. I spent 2008 going up the hill and I expect 2009 to be holding fast at the top and not going over the other side.

Not everything is grim, I have made some improvements this year and I am looking forward to holding strong on those improvements into 2009. I have dropped a couple of bad habits and picked up a couple of good ones. No doubt, I need to do more of the same and I will get around to it.

This is one of those entries where it is meant more for me than for you so please look over me, yet again, dear readers. Take some time to reflect on your own year. I hope it has been a good one for you.

DISCLAIMER: I make no promises that this will be the only blog related to 2008, the New Year, good/bad, reflections or any related material. But, you already knew that, right? I mean, you're the one reading the neurotic blog of an inexperienced manic/depressive chick!

Back in Business

Last we spoke, I was on my way to the company Christmas party for my second job. I was hoping to win an IPod or NotPod (MP3 Player) of some kind. I am sorry to report that I did not win one like I wanted to. BUT - I did come home with one! I won a Garmin GPS system and traded for a Phillips NotPod. Whoo hoo!

I am so happy because I went there hoping to come home with one, but when we got there I realized that people brought their kids and grandkids and friends and next door neighbors, and basically, there were too many people there for me to have any hope of winning one of the 3 grand prizes. But, YEAY!

Anyway. Enough bragging. Looks like by the end of this week at the latest I will not have an excuse not to be running. My leg is only a bit sore. After running Saturday, I decided not to run again until I am sure it is healed. I am tired of not being able to make a full effort and I am probably making it worse and definitely extending my down time. Now that I have new tunes I can't use that as an excuse either. Well, as long as I can figure out how to use it!

Anita Baker

I spent a good part of the weekend trying to make cake pops made popular by bakerella. I stole the idea from Crystal Chick, who did a great job on them. But, she does a great job at pretty much everything.

At least 5 hours over the course of 2 days, 6 trips between the grocery store, Michael's and Hobby Lobby and about $30 worth of supplies, and I determined to leave the cake pops up to Bakerella and Crystal Chick. Here is a picture of what I ended up with...




I don't know what in the world possessed me to do this! I am not a baker or a cook of any kind. These are the cutest things when you find someone who knows how to pull it off and they are delish! It doesn't seem hard. My problem was getting the melted candy on the balls. If you try this, send me some feedback on how you did it.

Other things I did this weekend...

• Went to the mall 4 times, but only went in twice (I was unable to find a parking spot the other times)
• Tried on men's underwear in the middle of Macy's
• Tested out my calf muscles on a new trail at Shelby Farms. Turns out I was not quite ready to run. Sorry for wasting your time, Kayla! That was the worst 4 miles I can remember
• Found my brother-in-law a pretty pimp pajama set for the New Year's Eve party
• Hung out with my larger than life friend, Heckmat
• Researched the band Kings of Leon and found that I really like them!

Right now I am getting ready to go to the Christmas party for my part time job. Hopefully, I will win an IPod or some kind of MP3 player because my NotPod keeps telling me there is an internal error. Damn it! I will let you know how it goes.

Awesome Reading

If you like reading and you have never checked out http://www.freshyarn.com/ I highly recommend it. The website boasts

Welcome to FRESH YARN -- the first Online Salon for Personal Essays. Part
literary publication, part virtual spoken-word, all personal essays


Basically, it is a bunch of essays and short stories from actors/actresses, producers, anyone in TV, magazine editors and contributors, novelists and other writers - well, you get the point, a group of highly talented people. It is very sporadically updated based on contributions and the free time of the person who runs it. However, it is very worth it. Plus, there are tons of back editions to look at to keep you busy until they post a new edition.

I love this website. Of course, I love reading about pretty much anything and I admire quite a few of these people. If anyone knows of similar websites, please let me know. I love this stuff!

Dessert!

We are having a dessert contest at one of my jobs. I love to eat dessert, but I am not a baker. Cooking in general is not something that I am the best at. I love to do it when I have time and for special occasions, but desserts are not my specialty by a long shot. I can, however, follow a recipe quit well so I asked around for ideas and here are a few of the recipes I got:

Charlie Brown Cake - By Ruth Dean
First Layer: 1 3/4 c flour
3/4 c nuts (pecans or walnuts)
3/4 c oleo, room temp

Blend mixture and put into the bottom of a 9x13 pan. Bake at 350 for 12 to 15 min. Then cool


Second Layer: 8oz pkg cream cheese
1 c powdered sugar
1 1/2 c Cool Whip

Whip cream cheese & sugar together. Add Cool Whip. Spread over 1st layer

Third Layer: 2 pkgs instant chocolate pudding
3 c milk

Mix pudding with milk. Pour over cream cheese layer

Fourth Layer: Spread Cool Whip over top and sprinkle with nuts. Refrigerate overnight!


Saucepan Brownies - By Candi Brown

1c Butter 1c cocoa 3c sugar 6 eggs 1 1/2 vanilla
2 1/4c flour 2 1/4c flour 3/4t salt 1 1/2 chopped nuts

Place butter and cocoa over low heat in 4qt saucepan. Milt, stirring frequently. Remove from heat and stir in, in this order: Sugar, eggs, vanilla, flour, salt and nuts

Pour into greased and floured 10 x 15 1/2 x 1 pan and bake at 375 for 25-30 minutes

Cool and cut into squares or bars


Fresh Fruit Dip - By Jackie Hallen

1 16oz cream cheese
1 small jar of whipped marshmallow

Mix ingredients together. Refrigerate for a couple of hours, if preferred. Dip strawberries, bananas, and apples or any other fruit


All of these look like really yummy recipes. I went from not having a good recipe to enter with, to having too many to choose from! That's OK though. I love it. I will make all of these at some point with so many functions going on between now and New Years!

If anybody has any good dessert recipes, feel free to hand them over!

Prosperity

In these times, I think everyone is nervous about one aspect or another of their financial stability. Or, maybe not. I have to admit that I have always been supremely confident in my career and my job - almost to the point where I am foolishly confident. But, I won't lie. I am rattled.

Exactly a year ago in December I changed jobs, doing the same thing just for a different company and a little more specialized. So specialized that I have been working in my field of insurance for almost 10 years and I started something I was not familiar with. I have gotten more acclimated over this past year and I am better with what I am doing.

However, I do not really have a close relationship with anyone I work with, which is not a big deal. I don't get jobs for social status, but it helps to be in close enough with someone that you can get their perspective on things that happen. I was also the last person to be hired, so I will definitely be the first person to go if it gets to that point. As far as I can see in the year I have been here, my position is not really necessary, which is scary in itself.

On the other hand, I do work for a great guy. It seems like it would be a last resort, but I could be looking through frosted glasses and not see the whole picture. Just in case I am going to do everything I can to make myself lucrative in every aspect of my life. I will be the cream that rises to the top, not the grit that falls to the bottom.

Granted, I do have a second job - but it is selling cars, which as we know is not doing extremely well right now. I do work for a dealership that is not hurting as much as others. but, my husband's income is derived solely from this dealership, so we might both be in trouble soon.

So, the worst scenario for me is to lose my day gig and be holding on with 1 1/2 half assed incomes. I guess that's better than some I know at this point though.

What irritates me is that the media is perpetuating the majority of this crises and what is not true today might be true tomorrow because the media pushed the rumor. When Obama takes office in January I believe the media will push for the sunny outlook and things will appear to be getting better, when in reality, it isn't as bad as they are making it out to be right now and it won't be as good as it looks then, but that's the media for ya. Hopefully, more people will be able to adjust to these hardships and we can even out and go back to middle ground and rebuild.

In any case, I wish everyone luck and prosperity in the days/months/years to come.

Weekend Stuff

I have been carrying my camera around for about a week now, just waiting to snap a picture at something inspiring or funny or whatever. I have yet to find it. This could out a damper on my project!

No, honestly, I have been off track for a few days ... or a couple of weeks, whatever! I am not focused on anything - my food, my strength training, running or any special projects. It is actually kind of scary because I am not really focused on work either. But, I will get back there soon. I am making an honest effort to pull everything back together again.

This weekend I was supposed to go out and buy garland to put up around the office, but I didn't go. I have a partial excuse. I have had a severe problem with the calf muscle in my left leg. I hobbled around for Friday and all of Saturday so Sunday I stayed home from work to see if staying off of it would help. It actually did help quite a bit.

I can't lie, I did go out to a couple of stores even though I called in to work. I felt like I was skipping school again! I actually wondered what I would do if someone I knew spotted me. I looked at Target and they had garland, but it was cheap looking with lights on it and I was not going for it.

After that I went to Petco and bought a bed for my doggies! My theory was that they will sleep on a comfy dog bed IN THE FLOOR, rather than on my legs IN MY BED. I tried, unsuccessfully, for hours to get the dogs to lay on it but they would not touch it. Ugh! I have to keep trying. I have to get my 100lbs + dog out of my bed! If anyone has any suggestions or ideas on how to get the dog to sleep on the fancy new dog bed on the floor, please rush your comments to me with lightening fast speed!

The Boob Tube

I watched some of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show thing last night. I have to say that those girls are smoking hot and have absolutely gorgeous faces to go along with those nicely developed abs. To be honest, I think some of those outfits took away from the beauty of those girls! But, the show itself was to highlight the outfits and not the girls, after all.

I only watched some of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show because I was also watching basketball. Last night it was UNC at Michigan State. Let me start by saying that I HATE UNC!!! I am a DUKE fan, but I have to watch the UNC games too so I can see the competition. In the first part of the first half, Michigan State had an answer for everything UNC had to give. Then, they got tired. But, they started picking up the pace toward the end of the first half; they were only down a few points. Evidently, Roy Williams had a hell of a locker room speech during half time because it was all over within 2 or 3 minutes into the second half!

I guess I enjoyed watching TV last night. I have not been to my second job all week. I did jump rope and ran a little last night in addition to eating a Sonic Cheeseburger and Onion Rings. Ughhh. It was good though.

Hope everyone had a good night last night!

Pictures of You....Pictures of Me....

OK - I finally did it. I have not only posted pictures on my blog now, but they are pictures of me, nonetheless. Nice to meet ya!

Now, one of the reasons I have never posted a picture on my blog is that I am not a photographer by any means and I have a bad camera. Notice the bathroom door in the background of the picture. Notice the blurriness and bad quality of the pictures. Lastly, notice the subject. I posted these pictures because of the hair cut mainly, but also because I do think I will be doing the blog where I take a picture of something that inspires whatever mood I am in that day. I may not post everyday, but at least once a week.

I have not decided if this will be a part of this blog or a new blog. More details to come. As you can see I am making this up as I go along so any suggestions are appreciated!

So, Am I everything you hoped I would be and more? HA HA That's OK. Please understand that there are many disappointments in life!

Ya'll have a good night!

Hair Cut Blues? Maybe.

Yesterday's call to work actually ended up being a false alarm. So, I left my first job and went to get my haircut. When I walked in I told my fabulous hairdresser that she could either just trim my hair and be done with it or she could do something drastic.

Let me tell ya, I am extremely picky about my hair. I always have been. All my life it has been the only thing I have like about myself so when I get a bad haircut it is a big deal. For me to tell Hair Lady that she has free will over my hair was a huge deal!

Understandably, she did not want the responsibility of my new look. Therefore, she suggested cutting some bangs. I have not even contemplated bangs since I was 6 years old. but, I must have been in some mood yesterday because I let her do it.

I went home and washed, blow dried and straightened my hair and.... (drum roll please!)

I can't decide if I like them or not. I have swept them to the side so I don't look like a stuffy old Liberian or a 6 year old. They are not horrible but I know it can't be good because no one, not a single person, not even my husband has commented on my hair cut at all. That's how you know that it is not good. Maybe it just needs a couple of days to loosen up or something. Cross your fingers for me!

Oh yeah, after the hair cut, I went to the pet store to pick up the dog and fish food. I went to the store closest to my house because I had a gift card (yes, a gift card to the pet store... is this weird to anyone else?!) I got my stuff together and wavered on spending the entire gift card on a $50 doggy bed. I pulled out the card to see if it was worth $25 or $30 and how much in addition I would pay toward the $50 and realized that the gift card was to a different store!

Why do all these names sound the same? Petco/Petsmart? Someone needs to be original and name a pet store Animal Kingdom or something!

Today, I believe I will try to go to the correct store and by a $50 doggy bed!

Man, I need a hair cut

My grocery List:

Chap stick
Dryer sheets
Toothpaste
Qtips
Lettuce
Apples
Vegetables
Bread

To Do List:

Get my hair cut
Go to the pet store and get dog food and fish food
Go to the grocery store & pick up the stuff on the aforementioned grocery list
Laundry
Jump Rope
Strength Training
Watch the Duke Game

Wouldn't you know it, in the process of me typing this, I received a call to come to work tonight. So much to to do lists. Ain't life grand?

There is no mention of running or working out here...

Whew! I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We did not have as many people this year, but to compensate we had more food! I don't know how this logic works out but it was good. I was disappointed that we did not have some of our regulars. I am a big family/friend person or maybe I just think it is all about me, but I like having everyone together. I think that is what it is all about.

Friday morning I did get up at the butt crack of dawn and go shopping. I went to Target, Pottery Barn, Williams Sonoma, Old Navy, and the mall. I have to say that I was disappointed in the retailers this year. The sales were lacking; I didn't find any super deals or anything. In fact, the only thing I did buy was clothes. I am always fine with getting clothes, so all in all it was good.

I had to be at work Friday afternoon, so after shopping it was showering and out the door. The previous 2 paragraphs were expressing my disappointment, however, I was not disappointed in work. We were surprisingly busy! I did not get a sale, but I did have a customer request to transfer in a vehicle. Whoo hoo! So, hopefully, that sets me up for a sale on the new pay period.

Saturday and Sunday were kind of the normals. Still, both good days. I hope everyone else can say the same.

Goodby Thanksgiving... Hello Christmas!

New & Upcoming Projects

I am thinking of taking a picture of one thing everyday that coincides with whatever mood I am in. I don't know if I like the idea yet or if I will do it, but it might make this blog a little more interesting and it might give me something to focus on. I also might start including my mileage at the bottom of my blogs. Not a whole blog or a whole entry just an excerpt at the bottom or something.

It is kind of weird to talk about things I might do because I am traditionally a very spur of the moment person and I don't plan or set out to do anything because I will jinx myself or I know I will fail or loose interest, which leads to a never ending cycle of self esteem issues. I know that sounds a little lame, and it is! I am the epitome of a slacker. I am currently on a quest to find out what a 'better person' is and to mirror that as much as possible. I don't even know that being 'better' is what I am really setting out to do, but more so, a 'normal' person.

Between my 2 jobs, the running (which I am not happy with my progress so far), and if I decide to do this photo blog project, I will have plenty to keep me busy, but I am nervous about having the energy and willpower to keep it going. I am already slipping on my running and fitness and eating so that is what is keeping me from jumping in on the photo thing.

I still have aspirations to run my half marathon, I am just behind on training. I will keep working though!

Females...

I wish that I could live one day without being affected by bipolar disorder or depression! If it isn't me, it's my mom or my sister or my mother-in-law. Is this just a female thing? It is a beating. Is this bipolar disorder or is this just how females act?

Up until earlier this year I did not have this problem. I have always dealt with my mom and tried to understand how she is thinking or feeling, but now I just can't handle it the same way. I don't have the patience or the understanding.

It seems like everything is falling apart now! Well, there is not really anything else to say about this. Thanks for listening.

Oh, speaking of loopy females... Happy Birthday, Beth

These are the Days of My Life

Like sands from the hour glass.....

Today is Thursday and this week has taken sooo long! I can't remember time going by this slow in a while. Monday I actually ran 5 miles, which I needed so bad. Tuesday I sat in the hot tub and drank a beer rather than doing any strength training (can we say counterproductive). Wednesday I had to work, which I should be doing more of these days than I am. Today, I brought my running clothes so that I can run either at lunch or when I get off work.

My ex-best friend and I have been talking a little more lately. Tuesday she texted me as part of a mass text about getting a bunch of people together to go eat Friday for her birthday. I already made plans for Friday (which, as of yesterday, may fall through) and I told her that. She has not asked me to do anything with her since March or April of this year. I admit that I am kind of glad that I had other plans and had to say 'No' to her. You know how it is, you don't want to seem too available.

On one hand I want to do something for her and acknowledge her birthday. On the other hand, I STILL have some resentment toward her and I am having a difficult time letting go because she is such a different person. I don't like her current lifestyle or her new friends. I do realize that I have no control over any of that and it isn't my business. But, it does change who she is as a person and going back to a previous post, she is not someone with whom I would be friends with if I just met her today.

I would like to be friends with her again, but I want to be friends with her and not who she has become. So, I am now in the position of actually hanging out with her at some time over the weekend. On top of that, the plans that I made for Friday are probably going to fall through, so now I have to make the decision to go to her dinner thing (I don't want to be around her friends or around her when she is with her new friends). Or, I don't go and she finds out that I didn't do anything and didn't come to her birthday.

This would not normally be such a big deal; I would just blow her off and move on, but it seems like this might be a step towards mending things. This is a pivotal time where I have to decide if I want to be friends anymore.

It seems like I gripe about the same things over and over again. For that, dear readers, I am sorry. These are the trivial things that go on in my life, unfortunately.


Oh yeah, also this week, my mom said she was not going to talk to me anymore. Lovely

Warning: For Mature Audiences Only

Something happened this morning that I have never had happen before. My husband texted me and told me that he enjoyed last night so much that he dreamed about it and woke up happy again this morning!

I believe that I always do my best and I hope he thinks so too, but to have him make a comment about it again excited me! That is the first time in a very, very long time that he has acknowledged anything. I won't go too far into details or anything. This was a good self esteem booster.

I apologize for this blog but I had to write it down! This probably is not a big deal really, but I want to be able to look back at it. His text was:

Last night was awesome i dreamed about and woke up **** [09:15:12 AM]

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. My brother-in-law and I got together this past weekend and split the menu up. We are going to try turducken this year. We wanted to last year, but did not order one in time. Just in case the turducken is not up to snuff, we are also having ham. So, if you are keeping score we are having pig, duck, turkey, and chicken all in one meal. I can't wait!! Texas De Brazil has nothing on us.

I am going to get up and run the Turkey Trot 4 miler race this year so I will be up early to run instead of getting up early to cook this year. I am excited! I have a friend who is going to run it with me and there is no pressure, just running. Whenever we cross that finish line is fine with me and there will be a pumpkin pie waiting for us when we get there! Hopefully, we will run off some calories so I can eat MORE!!!

Every Thanksgiving night that we have been married, we go out and get a Christmas tree and get our decorations up. We get a real tree every year and we go and pick out a new ornament every year. That is probably one of my favorite parts of Thanksgiving.

And, oh yeah, I am going shopping the next day. I am not sure if I have to work on black Friday or not, but if i do I will be in the stores before work! A couple of the stores are supposed to have exceptionally good sales this year due to the economy and all the retailers trying to get business however they can.

It sounds like it is going to be busy, but I can't wait for Thanksgiving! I feel like a kid at Christmas!

WARNING: This is a long post

A few weeks ago a friend and I began running together at a huge local park. The park closes when the sun goes down and they actually have gates that go over the road so that cars can't come in or OUT after closing. Since daylight savings time, we don't get off work until after it is already dark, which kind of put a damper on our running together in the park.

Let me just say that we love this park. There is a paved 1.67 mile track that circles a river and there are ducks in the lake and bison across the street (yes, actual bison!) and the sunsets are georgeous. Plus, it is the most convenient place for us to meet because it is close to both of our jobs. We don't live close together so this is kind of in the middle for us.

We really wanted to run so we decided to meet and park a little ways down the street and walk up to the track and run. When we get there the park is so quiet and it is peaceful and all the animals were out because there weren't any people around to disturb them. It was really awesome and motivational.

Kayla was nervous the whole time that someone was going to come and tell us to leave and give us a fine for being there after the park was closed. I was more worried about the skunks that kept chasing us! If I get sprayed by a skunk it would ruin my whole day! They were EVERYWHERE. And, they're hard to see in the dark. In addition to the skunks, there were a couple of deer. They were so pretty! But, we were kind of scaring them from coming to the lake to drink water, I think.

So we went around the track a couple of times and Kayla was hearing things jump in and out of the water and I think she was a little spooked so she said she was going to cut it short and go home after just 2 laps. Well, I may not have been scared but I was not going to stay out there by myself! So, I was fine with leaving. We get towards the end of the track and there are 2 people walking toward us. (DA, DA, DUM!!!)

Kayla has been assaulted before in broad daylight so, needless to say, she is a little jumpy anyway. When these people get within in sight distance she is ready to pounce. She kept saying that she was going to hit them, etc. Just really on edge. As we are getting closer to the people we determine that it is a man and a woman that appear to just be walking, much the same way we are running.

As we pass the woman asks us to stop. We talked to them for a minute and found out that they were in the park when the ranger closed and locked the gates! They were stuck and could not get out!! Of course, both of their cell phones were low on battery when they left the house so they just left them there. Because we depend so much on our cell phones no one knows anybody's phone number anymore so even offering my cell phone did not help because they didn't know anyone's number to call to come pick them up.

So what did I do? I offer to take them home! Complete strangers. Yeah, they seem like a nice couple but ya never know! I was a little nervous, but figured if something went wrong I would crash my car into another car or something! HA HA HA I know that is not really funny, but I didn't end up having to do it so it is a little funny.

But, if your mom & dad or 3rd grade teacher never told you, NEVER GO WITH STRANGERS! If they don't murder you with an axe, you might get stuck in their neighborhood and not be able to get out and have to call someone to help you out!!!

It is finally college basketball season!!

GO DUKE!!!

That's about all I have to say about that

Biography

I don't have a lot going on in my life. Really, I never have, which is one reason why this blog is kind of stupid. I never have anything to talk about so it gets really boring.

On one hand I am glad that I don't have a lot going on because that means that I probably don't have a lot of drama in my life. On the other hand it makes me wonder if I am leading a good life. A life that I can be proud of and a life that means something.

Am I having fun in my life? Am I doing enough to help other people? Logically, if I am having fun and helping other people then shouldn't I be a busier person? Or have more going on?

Furthermore, does it matter? Sometimes I would say it matters and other times I would say who cares?

The Army used to have a commercial that said, "If you wrote a book about your life would anyone want to read it?" I can honestly answer that with a "NO." But, I think I am OK with that. Not everyone can be influential or have a great storied life, right? It seems like a lot less work.

For right now, I think I will go with it. I can handle not being followed around by a biographer. Ask me again one day though. I might have a diffrent answer.

Naievty

I read an article that stated that a study was done that says people who are romantically involved with each other are less likely to detect a lie from each other. (Sorry - I clicked off the story and can't find it again in order to insert the link).

A year ago - maybe less than a year ago, I would have told you that I know my husband like no one else and I would have bet you that I could tell when he is/was lying. HOWEVER, in the last few months, I bet I could not tell you if he lying about whether or not he is wearing underwear today.

Reading this article brought some things to the front of my mind. I have questioned some things between me and my husband lately so to read an article that says the closer you are to a person the less you are able to tell if they are lying really makes me question how naive I might be.

How does someone know if they are naive? Obviously, you know after the fact, but you know what they say about hindsight. I mean, by definition, you don't know when you are being naive, right?

It makes me really uneasy to have the thoughts going through my head the last few months. I guess there is no way to soften the blow if something is going on. You just have to keep going until whatever happens, happens.

Things I want:

• To have my hair colored or highlighted in a professional salon
• Supplies and knowledge to give myself a pedicure at home
• New work clothes
• New NotPod
• New running shoes
• New shirts and pants to run in
• New kitchen cabinets
• The chairs in the formal dining room to be recovered

• To know that I will not lose my job due to downsizing
• To know that I make my husband happy and that I am enough for him
• To know that my mom and dad are actually OK (physically and mentally)
• A better life for my nieces because they didn't ask for the life they got
• My sister to realize that he is not any better for her than the other guy was
• My dad to know that I love him more than I could ever explain to him and that he did a great job raising us
• My mom to not be so nervous and worry
  all the time
• To be happy AND healthy
• For Beth to be happy AND healthy
• For Beth and me to quit drinking

• To know who really killed Kennedy
• To know if Aliens are real
• Who killed Jean Benet Ramsey?
• Who is the real father to my cousin's daughter?

These are just a few things that I really want. I am sure I could add to all 3 lists. Of the 3 I would like nothing more than the middle list to come to realization. People have no idea what I would give up for these things. Not just the other material things that I want, but things that I have now. I would give it all up if I could trade it for that middle list. So, if anyone has the magic genie in their pocket, please send him my way when you are done.

Election Day

Today is election day! If you care about any of the issues then I hope you get out and vote today. If you do not care or if you didn't pay attention during the election process then I hope you did not vote. :)

That being said, my mom voted today for the first time in 30 years! She was very nervous about having to stand in a long line because she lives in a state that did not offer early voting. For the past 3 or 4 weeks we have had conversation after conversation about how she would get off work and if they would let her off work and she made sure her registration was up date and everything.

So, this afternoon at about 2:00 no one at her work had mentioned anything about leaving early to vote so she told her boss that she was not feeling well and asked if she could leave early. (I told her she should have just asked to leave early to go vote!) So she went to the local church and they could not find her name. She started panicking thinking she was not going to be able to vote. Did I mention my mom is bipolar and is a very nervous person? She really started getting upset so a very nice lady called the election commission for her and found out that she was just out of her district. The very nice lady directed mom to where she needed to go. Thanks very nice lady!!

Mom finally gets to where she needed to be and walks in and there are 4 people manning the polls. One of the ladies at this polling place greeted her and said that she was their first voter!!! Mom lives in such a small town that they only had one machine! How funny is that? Mom said she laughed to herself because she was worried about standing in line and as it turns out she was the only person in the whole place!!

When she called to tell me this story I googled the town she lives in to find the population and I couldn't find any evidence of census information! Funny how they don't do a census in the area but they felt the need to put a voting place there!

Nevertheless, I am so proud of her for paying attention this year and casting her vote.

Where's my NotPod?

I brought my workout clothes to work today so that I could run during lunch. I used to do this regularly, but lately I have been meeting a friend after work to run so I don't run at lunch as much. Today, I was excited and changed clothes to go running and realized that I left my NotPod at home! I have never ran without music. I am in the habit of turning up the music so loud that I can't hear myself breath hard.

Well, I went out anyway and told myself that if it was really weird then I would go half the distance and come back. As it turns out, it isn't too bad running without music. I went the full distance of my regular route at a pace of 10 minutes the first mile and 11.5 minutes the second mile. I will not do it all the time, but it is nice to know that if I forget my NotPod again, then it isn't the end of the world.

I am so new to this and I am not very good so I always worry when something is out of the ordinary. I was proud of myself for not chickening out and staying at the office during lunch and then running the whole way. So much for little signs of progress!

Friends in Low Places

Do you ever wonder if you would still be friends with someone if you met them for the first time today? I have a couple of friends (and I can think of a couple of family members too!) that I would not pursue a friendship with if I just met them today. Does this mean that I should just stop being friends with these people? In the case of the family members I certainly can't stop being family with them! But, I can stop associating with them.

In my case, one of the people I would like to stop associating with and the other person I can't see ever not associating with. So, it is both ends of the spectrum for me. The funny thing is that the one that I don't mind associating with is the one that gives me the most headaches! I guess when you look at it, I would not trade some of the memories or experiences for anything. Like the saying says, "Rather have loved and lost than never have loved at all.'

But, let's face it. There are people who we meet and somehow get roped into our social circles that we don't really click with. Maybe it is a rash decision to actually write these people out of your life, but then again maybe it isn't.

Having had most of my friends for a very long time, some of them have gone different places in their lives and I suspect that most people have a few friends like this. Do you really want to be friends with the guy who got convicted for breaking and entering? Or the girl who has a drug problem and can't take care of her kids? I know that some people need help and we need to be there for them and so on, but what if that help is rejected time and time again?

Something else to think about.

Sleeping Through The Night

My husband and I have 3 dogs, which are my life! I have a long haired daushund and an english bulldog and he has a lab/pit mix. We don't have kids so these dogs are our heart and soul.

This summer we had more of a problem with fleas than we have ever had. I don't know what was different this year or if anything changed, but we have gone crazy trying to figure out what's wrong. We have always used frontline http://frontline.us.merial.com/home/ but this year it did not work at all. In the last month or so it has gotten so bad that the dogs were up all night scratching or chewing. When they were up it kept me up. I don't like to be kept up. For years of my life I had problems sleeping so sleep is very dear to me!

In order to fix our problem I went to the vet and bought Comfortis http://comfortis4dogs.com/
This is flea medicine in pill form. It took me a few tries to get the daushund to eat the huge 'horse' pill, but once I got the appropriate pills down the throats of the appropriate dogs the fleas went jumping off my little babies! This stuff worked in about 20 minutes! For good measure I gave each one a bath and now I have 3 good smelling, flea less doggies that sleep all through the night!!! Which means that I sleep through the night!!! Whoo hoo!! Right now I am singing the praises of Comfortis! (until it stops working like Frontline did)

Chocolate

I am off work for the whole weekend in a couple of weeks so I am going to a friend's house for a slumber party. No, I don't think I am too old for a slumber party - thanks for asking! We are going to go running and do some strength training and then move on to the fun stuff like doing each others hair and make up and eating. My favorite food right now is chocolate - specifically brownies and her favorite food is mini corn dogs. That night we plan to pig out on both. In anticipation of the brownie decadence I vowed to not have any chocolate (with the exception of hot cocoa in the mornings. I am drinking it instead of hot tea or coffee because I don't want to get hooked on caffeine again and it is cold in the mornings when I get up!) until the slumber party.

In the past I have not ever had a problem passing up the sweets but since I have been on my healthy/running kick I can't get enough! I buy Hershey's miniatures to control my portions and satisfy my cravings, but I really have let it get out of hand.

I told you that so I can tell you this: One of the guys that I work with brought homemade chocolate chip cookies to work this morning! His wife made them and I know from experience that she is a damn fine baker! I passed them 3 times without trouble and then he brings the plate around making each person take some cookies! I took 2 so that he would leave me alone. BUT - I have not eaten them! I called my husband and told him that I am bringing him 2 ooey gooey choco chip cookies this afternoon! If I don't come home with those cookies I am in for it. Now I have to sit here for the rest of the day with 2 scrumptious cookies under my nose though.

I AM better than the cookie!
I AM better than the cookie!
I AM better than the cookie!

Running Woes... Again

A couple of entries ago I blogged about getting sluggish in my running. Since then any chance I got I have been running. I do not see any progress or change so far. I have started over, evidently, and for no apparent reason.

It frustrates me because I didn't slack off and take a day off here or there. The only thing I changed was running with a friend rather than running by myself. The only thing I can think of is that I am going at a faster pace (she runs at a much faster pace than me) and therefore, I don't run as far of a distance without having to stop.

I have tried to run on my own and slow my pace but my legs get tired. I thought my legs might be hurting because I was slacking off on strength training, therefore, I have made it a point to do my strength training, but with no results as far as my running goes. I went running on my lunch break today and my legs were just burning.

I have to do something to get out of this rut! Or to at least accept it and move on. If I can make some progress toward where I was before then it may be easier. I am really starting to beat myself up over it and that has to stop before I decide to give up all together. I am going to put some effort into finding a motivator or some encouragement! I may have lost some of the progress I have made, but not all of it. I am still out there able to run a few steps and not sitting on the couch being depressed.

I'll take that as a compliment!

Yesterday I met with an underwriter that I had not seen in a few months. The last time I saw her was at the beginning of the year probably before I lost weight. When she came in to the office yesterday she commented on my weight loss. We had a nice conversation about my running and my eating and little things like that. She said that she had recently started walking and was trying to walk 2 miles a day, which is exactly how I started out and I told her that. I always feel a little weird about talking about weight loss with people because I am really not any kind of an expert. I never know if people walk away thinking I am an idiot after me telling them what worked for me.

But, today I received an email from her saying the following:

"Just wanted to let you know that you are an inspiration. I did my 2 miles
yesterday in 33 minutes. Remember I am older and not as fit --- but working on
it.
Goal today is to do it in 32 minutes. And to keep up my “days in a
row”.
You rock girl ----- I am impressed and you definitely motivate
me.
Have a great day and weekend. "

How sweet is that!? This made my day! I admit that it is a lot of pressure being 'inspiration' because what if I mess up and gain some of the weight back? What if I revert back to my old ways and start couch surfing instead of running? But, I figure I can use this as motivation for myself too. If I think I have somebody keeping tabs on me then I might be less apt to slip up.

Hopefully I can keep my mind off of the pressure and just take the compliment. It is things like this that make it worth it. Well, that and my husband telling me that I have a 'hot body!'

I say that this compliment is the best way for me to start my weekend off. I am going to put this one in my pocket and live off of it for the weekend!

Starting Over

I can feel myself slipping back into a slump. I am getting more and more tense by the day. I have not been eating right and my exercise has slacked off. When I do run with my friend I am getting extremely frustrated and I feel like I slow her down which really plays on my self esteem. I need to regroup and start over so that I can hold on to everything. I really think that I need to back off from everybody again and get my head straight.

We are going into the holiday season soon. With all of our November birthdays in our family it seems to start early for us. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas though. I love both of those holidays. Hopefully, it will still be good this year in spite of everybody's money problems. I know that the holidays are not all about money and you don't need to spend money to really celebrate, but if everybody is down and in a bad mood because they couldn't buy this or that or couldn't pay the car note then the holidays just are not the same. I think most of us are fortunate enough to not be in those situations but you never really know what people have going on.

This entire entry was pretty much pointless. But, getting out that I need to start over really helped me so I will leave it for now.


Oh, and just after blogging about the greatness of m y car, we have a problem. I was on my way home last night and it started missing or sputtering or something. So, it is back to the shop. Ugh!

3rd Annual Drunkfest

WOW. That's about all I can say about this past weekend. My husband's (and 2 other friends') 30th birthday party was this weekend. It was awesome. (I think) I don't remember a lot but I have heard stories and seen pictures. There was somewhere between 60 and 70 people at my house!! I don't know how we made it through the night without the cops showing up. I would post some of the pictures but I don't know that any of them are worth it. I will decide later!

To everyone who did come out - THANK YOU! I hope everyone had as good of a time as I did.

Gabe, I know that you probably did not. Hope your face doesn't hurt too bad where Shelby hit you.

To all my work people, Whoo hoo! We had a great time!

I am glad that this is all over with and I am kind of exhausted! Time to get ready for next year. Wonder what the theme will be.... any ideas? So far, I have these suggestions: pirates, hippie, hillbilly, black tie affair, cowboys & Indians, ninjas. HA HA Any of these would be kind of funny


OH YEAH - Great news on my car... It turns out that the oil filter was not put on correctly when my oil was changed last. Therefore, after riding around for a couple of days it was jarred loose while I was going down the road and it dumped oil everywhere making it look as though I blew my engine! Whoo hoo! Had the oil changed again and went ahead and had the spark plugs replaced and voila! Almost like new.

Ridin' Along in My Automobile

Don't you hate it when you are going down the road and smoke starts pouring from the hood of your car? Well, I do. It sucks more than most other things.

I was surprisingly calm though. I pulled over and turned the car off really fast. Then, I called my husband and asked him to call a tow truck for me. We had it towed to the car dealership that we work at so they can look at it today. I picked up my husband's car so I could go home and change and go back up there and work. The minute I stepped in the door for some reason I just started crying my eyes out.

I have been doing so good emotionally lately that it kind of caught me off guard to cry like that. I don't think it was totally because of the car. I think the car just gave me an excuse to do it. I was by myself and it just happened. Afterward, I let the dogs outside, fed the fish, got dressed and went to work and everything was fine. When I came home from work I ran faster than I ever have. I was not able to run an entire 2 miles but it felt like I was flying when I ran. It felt good.

Today, I am waiting to hear the good (or bad) news as to whether or not I have to replace the motor in my car. Keep your fingers crossed for me! When the rest of the world are breaking their necks to get out of credit card debt, I am probably going to use a credit card for the first time in I don't know how long. And this after paying for 2 strippers for the party this weekend! Great timing. People always say I do the opposite of whatever is 'hot' at the moment!

Run, Run, Run

This past weekend was great. I ran 2 races, one on Saturday and one on Sunday. I finished the one on Saturday morning in 31 minutes, which I am proud of. There were several hills, which I truly suck at, so to still pull off a 10 minute mile was impressive to me. I was very satisfied! Oh, I also used a port-a-potty for the first time ever at this race!

It was held on the campus of Christian Brothers University and I walked around that campus for about 20 minutes before I realized that all the doors were locked and there was nothing but the port-a-john! Ewww! Luckily for me it had not been used yet that morning. But, it was obviously not a NEW port-a-potty so it was still disgusting.

The race Sunday was not as successful for me, but Kayla finished 2nd in our age group. It kind of irritated me because I would have finished right next to her, but I got sick half way through the race. It was over 80 degrees and half of the track was through a neighborhood where they had just paved the streets in. You could feel the heat radiating from the freshly paved black top and it was awful. I got sick on the actual track. Maybe if I didn't drink that glass of milk before I went to the race I could have finished 1st or 3rd next to my friend. It disappointed me so much!!! Next year I will place in that race.

Saturday night we went to eat sushi! ummmmm Eel roll! I tried sake for the first time! I ordered it and the waiter (no lie) says, "Oh, this will be funny!" Can you believe that? HAHAHA It was funny though. They brought me a tiny cup and a carafe of sake. It was so pretty. When you drink sake you get the burn from it being boiling hot liquid. Then, the burn from it being alcohol. I don't know if I would ever order it again, but I am definitely glad I had the experience.

I did not get a chance to finish up the last of the stuff for the party. I will have to be scrambling this week to get those little things done. Tonight is my husband's actual birthday so I get to give him his present! WHOO HOO!

Weekend Plans

Just an update on yesterday's run with my friend.... It was pretty good. We went at a faster pace than I usually go but I was able to keep up and do just fine. There are slight hills on the track we were at and I really have not trained on hills. But, it was a good work out. I had a great time and I am pumped up for our runs this weekend. Whoo Hoo!

In addition to running 5 miles last night, I also spent a couple of hours trying to get a picture of my husband's car so that we can make a poster of it for his birthday. I didn't realize that we are later in the year and it gets dark earlier. So, when we finished up running at 7:00pm I thought I would have time to switch cars with him and get a couple of good pictures of his car as the sun was going down. Unfortunately, it was already dark by the time I went to get his car. That left me scrambling for lighted parking lots! I may have a couple of decent pictures but I don't know if they are going to be of quality to blow up. We'll see.

I am actually off work this weekend! I have a race planned Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. I am also going to finish up the plans/decorations for my husband's (and 2 other friends') 30th birthday party. He has not even found something to wear yet! I am also debating on whether or not to get some of those scene scapes that have become so popular in the past couple of years. I just want to make sure that we have plenty of atmosphere, or whatever you call it.

I hope everybody has a great weekend! We are supposed to have great weather so everyone needs to get out and enjoy it!

This Morning

Last night, I set my alarm for 5:30. I do this quit frequently thinking I am going to be able to get up and run in the morning before I go to work. Usually, I quickly re-set the alarm for a more respectable 6:30 and go back to sleep.

This morning when the alarm went off I was actually kind of awake. Did I get out of bed? No! Of course not. I laid there for about 10 minutes debating with myself the pros and cons of going running at 5:30 in the morning.

Some of the 'pro' arguments were that I really was not that tired or groggy. I already had my work out clothes laying on the table at the foot of the bed. I really, really need to do a good job running with a friend of mine this afternoon. And, finally, last night I only ran about 2 miles for 20 minutes because my husband was making cookies when I left and I knew that they would be hot out of the oven if I was not gone long (I know! I am supposed to be a dedicated runner, but cookies will get me every time!)

Some of the 'cons' were that it was kind of chilly outside. I have never ran that early before and I was worried about being out there by myself (Yes, I run in the middle of the night. I know it is a lame excuse!). I am running with a friend this afternoon and didn't want to over-do it (Funny how that is a pro and a con!).

So anyway, I compromised with myself in that I could go back to sleep if I would do strength training when I got up at 6:30. Comfortably, I drifted back to sleep. Ahhh! zzzzzz

At 6:30 the alarm went off and I was extremely tired! I couldn't believe it. At 7:30 I realized that I was still laying in bed and I should have been at work already! Oh, no! I overslept. I HATE it when that happens. It throws my whole day off. I should have got my butt out of bed at 5:30. This is the first morning in about 8 months that I have actually been awake enough to get out of bed and I turned the alarm off and woke up LATE and I was so TIRED when I did get up! What's up with that?

So, now i am hoping and praying that I feel better running with my friend than I did Monday. My head still hurts a little and i kind of have a tickle in my throat but not like I felt Monday.

Set Backs

When I started loosing weight I was not sure where it was going to take me or if I would stick with it so I did not tell any of my friends or my husband. If I didn't stick with it I didn't want to seem like a failure. Well, people noticed I was loosing weight and after a few months I figured there is a pretty good shot I would stick to it. To make a long story short, a couple of my friends have started trying to loose weight too so they ask for my advice or ask what I do in certain situations.


On the other hand, I have a friend who has always been oober work out girl. Just an FYI - I didn't know that she worked out that much before I started my process and she was asking me about it. We registered for 2 5k races this weekend together and I have been looking forward to it for a couple of weeks. So, last night we met at a local park to run together for the first time. I have been sick for the past couple of days, but not fall out sick. I am congested a bit and I have that feeling that there is something in my throat. We get out there and the weather is beautiful The track circles a gorgeous lake and the wind was blowing. Pretty much everything was perfect. So, we start running. Almost immediately, my throat closes up and my chest tightens! I feel like I did when I smoked! It was awful. I felt horrible. I went around the track once and then sat down for a minute and hocked up my lungs. Then, I set out again and I caught up with my friend, but I could not run for very long at a time.

I hope to God that last night was just because I have not been feeling well. I felt so inferior. I felt like all my hard work didn't mean anything.

We rescheduled to try it again on Thursday. I hope it goes better! We have these races this weekend and I hope they are a total waste because I am sick.

Wish Me Luck!

Do you Care?

Saturday was one of the most frustrating days that I have had since I started selling cars. It seems like all the customers I had were dead ends. There were a couple of kids that just wanted to walk around and play in cars. I had a couple of customers who asked immediately if you have to have money down to buy a car. Just an FYI - that is usually a clue that someone can not get financed. The last customer of the day that I had was a couple who needed a hatch back car so they could haul some type of papers. (I know, huh? People have some of the weirdest reasons for buying cars. My husband had a customer once that had to have a standard transmission because people wouldn't car jack you then. (How does the person know if it is a stick or automatic before they jack you? Also, whose to say a car jacker won't know how to drive a stick??) Anyways. After that day, I needed a drink... But then, when do I ever not need a drink?

Saturday night we went to play pool with my brother-in-law and a few friends. I have not really hung out with my brother-in-law and one of the other guys in a while because they hang out with someone that I am trying to stay away from. I have to say that it was a but awkward for a minute.

In my effort to make casual conversation, I think I made one of the guys mad. He works at Starbucks and I made the comment that I have never been to Starbucks. I don't drink coffee. I realize that they sell other stuff besides coffee, but Starbucks is not even on my radar when I am looking for something to eat or drink. I don't eat fast food that often anymore anyway. About 10 minutes after having a conversation about Starbucks and how much he looovvveeesss it and I have never even been there, we had a conversation that went like this...


Me: "So, what is your favorite thing at Starbucks?"
Him: "Do you care?"
Me: "I am sorry, I was just trying to make conversation. Never mind."
Him: "Well, it isn't like you are gonna go there."
Me: "Sure you are right. Never mind."
Him: "Well, why do you care?"
Me: "Just making conversation. Just drop it. I am going to get another beer. Do you want one?"


Well, you get the point. Another awkward conversation with someone that I was very close to at one time. I should learn to just keep my mouth shut and not speak to these people unless they speak to me first. To be honest, I don't really give a shit what his favorite thing at Starbucks is. He is a funny guy and I like hanging out with him, so I thought I would make conversation. I didn't expect the attitude. I won't make that mistake again!

Memphis Turkey Trot

Me: Want to do the Turkey Trot this
year?

Steph: What's a Turkey Trot?

Me: A 5k on Thanksgiving morning. You get a free
t-shirt and a pumpkin pie!

Steph: Oh yeah! I'm there! How do we register?

Me: Go to http://memphisturkeytrot.racesonline.com/
Oh, sorry it is 4 miles... that still OK? If you don't want to do 4 miles we can
do the Turkey Leg Relay, which is shorter.

Steph: Hell no! It's worth the extra mile for the
pie!

Me: Yep, then we can go home and eat turkey &
dressing and choco cake. I love choco cake!

That's right. I am obligated to another run. That keeps me obligated through the end of the year. Maybe I will take January off! I am glad because I get do frustrated sometimes. I went running Friday afternoon and I could not make it to the end of the street. I ended up going out to eat with friends instead of exercising. Then, Saturday, I ate anything and everything. I told my husband that I thought I was done with it all. Seemed like I had lost my wind and the appeal was gone.

But Sunday at work we had a "team building" scavenger hunt on the car lot. Everybody was running from one end of the lot to the other trying to find the right cars and everybody was so out of breath. But not me! My team lost, but still. I didn't die and I didn't feel like I needed to go home. It got my blood flowing!

Sunday night when we came home, I went running while he cooked dinner. I ran 3 miles without stopping. I walked some and then ran again. I walked some on the last (4th) mile but not much. I was so proud of myself! The last 3 times I went running really really sucked and then I run farther than I ever have without walking in between.

If I can stay motivated for the next few months I will feel like I made a lifestyle change rather than just on a diet or something that I was not able to stick with.


Oh yeah, and anyone who wants to do the Memphis Turkey Trot with us let me know! You can click the link above to find out more about it. Whoo Hoo!

Silver Hyundai Sonata

This past year I have changed several things in my life. Some were things that I made efforts toward changing and some were things that were beyond my control. I have began to try more things on my own. Maybe I have even learned about who I am. To be blunt, maybe I am not the person I thought or wanted to be which might be why I have been so depressed this year.

One of the changes I made this year was wearing make-up. This is something that is usually experimented with in adolescence, but I never did. I have no idea what I am doing or if it looks how it is supposed to look. I did research and got in front of the mirror and tried different things. I looked at pictures of models and 'regular' people. Scoped out faces of people at the grocery store or the mall (From a distance, of course! I never stare either!).

Today, just for something to do while sitting in my office, I took a picture of myself. I was horrified when I looked at it. Not really because of the make-up, but just me in general, I guess. I took 3 or 4 more pictures at different angles - in front of and not in front of the window with natural light, etc. Nothing worked.

I hate my haircut. I have been trying to grow it out since I got it cut, which was about 5 or 6 months ago. My eyes are too big for my head and so is my mouth. (I guess I think I have a small head ) My skin is not pretty. I have a couple of oily spots where I break out and other spots are dry. The color of my skin is just blah. I compare myself to a silver Hyundai Sonata. It is just there. You notice that something is there, you just don't' really notice what; and you don't care to find out.

Everything about me is pretty plain. The way I dress, the things I say, the things I like. Everything. I want to change these things. I don't want to stand out, really, I just want to be noticed every now and then. Maybe that's what this year has been about.

In taking that picture I realize that I really have not made much progress toward any of the goals that I set in order to make myself feel better. I have not gone backward, but definitely not forward either. That's another quality of being the silver Hyundai Sonata - Just the same.

I guess that as of now I am deciding that I accept it and I am moving on. I have struggled a lot with this and I am just going to let it go and realize that it ain't happenin!

Thanks everybody for listening to me rant and helping me come to this conclusion!

Lemurs and Birthday News

I overheard someone say that a squirrel was their favorite animal - second to a lemur. Maybe I came in on this conversation a little late and didn't get it! My favorite animal is a dog. Specifically, an English Bulldog named Biscuit. Just thought I would throw that out there. I wonder how many people share this girl's love for lemurs and squirrels!

Back to important stuff - I am getting excited about my husband's birthday. I am wrapping up stuff for the goth party. The living room will be decorated like a funeral and the kitchen is going to resemble a reception at a goth wedding.

This party is shared between my husband, one of our female friends and another guy. I talked to the other guy's wife last night and she had some pretty good ideas for the cake if I can't get what I want together. The only thing I am really worried about now is people behaving at the party. We have some special circumstances this year that we have not had in year's past. Not any real big deal, but my reputation is on the line with this one! We are inviting so many more people this year than last year too and some I won't know and some I have not know for too long.

I am also getting very excited to actually give hubby his gift. He keeps trying to catch me off guard and slip up and tell him what I got him. Last night when we got into bed he started trying to guess what it is and where I am keeping it! This is the first time I have really had something over on him so I am having fun with it! I told him that I would give him a hint this weekend. we will see if i actually give him a hint. HAHA I am evil!

STOP IT!!!

In light of Friday's heard of dumb asses running to the gas pumps to fill up before a hurricane hit hundreds and hundreds of miles away, local government officials are encouraging you to go to the appropriate offices with your receipt if you think you were a victim of price gouging at the pump.

Let me just express my opinion that if you were a price gouging victim over the weekend then you are a dumb ass who deserves to pay what you were charged. It is very obvious when a station charges .20, .30 or as much as $1 more than other stations in the area that they are taking advantage of you.

Another point I would like to make is that if we don't all run to the gas station at one time to fill causing the stations to run out of gas, then the supply & demand won't fluctuate and therefore, our prices will not fluctuate near as much. Most of the increase in price is due to the media and the dumb ass factor.

I live in Memphis, TN (If you are not aware, Memphis is light years away from Galveston or Houston, TX). The tankers never stopped coming into our area because of hurricane Ike. There was no need for anyone to jump up and run to the gas station unless you were out of gas anyway and it was your time to stop for gas or if you needed a 20 oz drink and some black n milds.

CALM DOWN PEOPLE. DUMB ASSES MAKE ME SICK!!!

Pink Flamingos

Today is Friday! Whoo hoo! I do not have to work at my second job today! There is a possibility that one of my customers could call me this afternoon and say that he has all of his stips together to finally buy this car he has been looking at. So if that happens it will kind of suck cause my husband and I made plans to go and see a band that he likes play down town.

Every year one of the local radio stations puts on a concert at an amphitheatre and they always have awesome bands and we always have a good time. But, this year we both have to work until 8PM so we are not going to be able to make it to the concert this year, which sucks.

This concert kind of makes up for us not being able to go to that. Not really, because Shinedown, Avenged Sevenfold, Saving Able, and Buck Cherry will all be at the radio station concert, which will be so AWESOME! But, we like Egypt Central too. They are a local band and, to be honest, I like them a whole lot better live than I do on the radio. They put on a good show. Here are the links to the band's websites in case you want to check any of these out. They are all really cool bands. Egypt Central is a local band and Saving Able is from MS, not far from here.

http://www.shinedown.com/ http://www.avengedsevenfold.com/
http://community.buckcherry.com/ http://www.savingabel.com/
http://www.egyptcentral.net/

On another note...Some friends of ours live on a street called Flamingo Ave. I guess, to be funny, they have an inflatable pink flamingo tied to their front porch. Last night my husband and I were out and we decided to go by their house and steal the flamingo. We turn on the street and I tell my husband to stop a few houses down from theirs and pull over and turn off the lights. I jump put of the car and run 2 or 3 houses down the street to their house. Both of their cars are in the drive way; their motion light comes on basically spotlighting me! I am terrified that their dogs are going to start barking! So, instead of uniting the flamingo, I just yank it and it comes free and I run back to the car as fast as I can hoping they don't come out of the house.

I jump back in the car and me and my husband look up and guess what? There was a lady sitting on the front porch of the house we parked in front of!!! HAHAHAHA all this planning and trying to be careful and we didn't even notice that there was someone sitting there the whole time and saw everything!! So much for my ninja skills. HAHAHA Don't ever ask me to plan a covert operation!


I am going to carry this flamingo around with me in my car and take various pictures of it in different areas of town and send them to my friends. If you have any funny ideas for pics let me know!

Are you Serious?

Today, I am talking about something that pisses me off to no end. Ok, I admit, at one time I did have a Myspace account. It was a novel idea that was fun to play on for a couple of months and then the 'new' wore off and I lost interest & deleted the account. I do have several friends who still have them and that is a major means of communication. So, today I went to a friend's page to see if she had posted anything about how things were going between her & a guy she is dating. (yea, I know - I was stalking. I was trying to find out information that I should have just picked up the phone and called her about!)

In looking through her page, I noticed that one of our mutual friend's 10 year old daughter has a Myspace. Last I heard you have to be 14 to have a Myspace so the child had to have lied about her age in order to set up the account. That is not what I am freaking out over though. Her name on Myspace is "sexii lexii." After noticing the name, I noticed that her mom is one of her friends, therefore has to be aware of the child's name on the account.

************************************************************************************
*DISCLAIMER* I do not have kids therefore, I realize that I really am not allowed to have an opinion on this subject. I am in no way telling my friend how to raise her kids. I am stating my opinion and, granted, maybe I should keep my mouth shut. Possible irrational behaviors or statements may follow.
*************************************************************************************

There are reasons why the minimum age for Myspace is 14. When someone does one of those surveys or blog posts then the girl has access to it and some of those things are definitely not kid-friendly. Maybe the kid is mature to those things (which, I am sorry to say, would be sad at 10 or 11 ish years old) or if she is trusted to recognize the content and not look at those things. Even if these things were true - I don't think she should be allowed to have a name of that content.

I have sat here and typed 5 or 6 lines and then deleted them for fear of offending someone, which was not my intent with this post. I realize that despite my disclaimer earlier in the post, I probably need to keep my mouth shut and let people make their own opinions. Therefore, I am cutting this one short. Sorry for the abrupt end, but this is it. Maybe I can revise this after I have had a couple of days to think on it. Maybe I am being irrational and need a couple of days to think about it.

DON'T VOTE

With the upcoming election, there are a few things I would like to get off my chest.

If you are planning on voting for a candidate because of the color of his/her skin or because they are sexy or whatever, please do me a favor and DON'T VOTE.

If you are planning on voting for a candidate because you have seen more commercials for that person/campaign, please DON'T VOTE.

If you are planning on voting for one candidate or another because your favorite celebrity endorsed that candidate (or because your favorite celebrity speaks against a candidate) please, DON'T VOTE

If you do not actually know anything about where any of the candidates stand on the issues or where you stand on those same issues then, DON'T VOTE.

If you don't know anything about either candidate but like one of their names over the other then, please DON'T VOTE.

If you are planning on voting for the candidate with the cutest kid(s) then, please DON'T VOTE.

If you are not aware that there are more than two candidates running in the presidential election, please DON'T VOTE. (I don't expect you to know as much about these candidates as the primary parties candidates, but you should be aware that there are, in fact, more than 2 candidates)

If you have not done your own research of some sort to find out about the validity of accusations directed toward each candidate and made an informed decision as to whether or not you find those accusations to be true then, please DON'T VOTE

In short.... There are several reasons why you should vote. You have heard them all, I am sure. But, please be aware that there are also reasons why you should NOT VOTE.

This is the future of our country we are talking about and some of us take it very seriously. With the future seemingly more unknown than it has been in my generation I definitely encourage everyone vote, but know what you are voting for or against.

There are tons more reasons to NOT VOTE, but I think you get the idea.

MAYBE Expectations

So many times in our lives, things don't turn out the way we planned or the way we thought they should have. Right now, I am severely discouraged because I am going through a time where that is happening ALOT. It makes me wonder if my expectations are too high or if I am naive or unreasonable.

You know, they say that if everybody thinks it but you, then you must be the weird one. That is kind of how I am looking at this. If everything is going wrong, maybe it is my thinking that is actually wrong. Maybe I shouldn't expect so much or maybe I am expecting the wrong things.

For instance, I always expected that my husband would always be my best friend. I hindsight, I realize that may have been a little naive.

I expected that I would be a confident person and that I would never be afraid to try anything new or different. Now, I realize that I probably have low self-esteem which can really get in the way of the confidence thing! I am not afraid to try new things, but I think that I don't do as good of a job as I could because I hold back some.

Even small things turn out this way. I just assume that if someone says that they are going to do something, then, they do it. Maybe other people don't actually take it that seriously. Maybe things aren't really a big deal.

Tell me if this is psycho, but I take it personally when I make plans with someone and they don't come through. I look at it as I was not important enough to keep the engagement for.

It is the "maybes" and "ifs" that drive me crazy. I mean, just count how many times I said "maybe" in this post.

MAYBE, if I put some distance between my husband and myself, things will get a little better. The problem is that I don't really know how to be a "wife." We have always been on a level of friends and now I feel like I have lost that element and I am just his wife (which, by the way, I look at as a down grade. I don't care what anybody says, the wife gets less respect than a friend.).

Then again, MAYBE, if I put distance between us, he will take it the wrong way and think that I am trying to pull away from him. Who knows. IF that happens, then I will surely screw everything up and it will be worse than it is now.

All I can say is... Pray for Me, PLEASE!


Updated Post: 09/08/08 10:56AM

This is my horoscope for the week according to MSN.com's horoscope. I found it to be interesting in light of this blog entry. Tell me what you think.

Your Lovescope - Week of September 8, 2008
Spats with the one you love may escalate during the first three days of this week as critical lunar energy steps in and helps to point out all the things that you don't like about your romantic situation. During this time it's especially important that you not get down on yourself for past actions. Guilt doesn't do anyone any good, so let it go and move on. Furthermore, if you start to feel your romantic partner coming down too hard on you, speak up in the moment instead of absorbing the attack and then running away and letting it fester as an open wound for months. For you, the real magic comes alive on Saturday and Sunday when the Moon swims in sensual Pisces and helps fulfill your romantic fantasies. This is the time for you and the one you love to expose your true sensitivity and enjoy the cozy, tender bliss that you crave.

Strange Noises

I am sitting in my office at 7:54 this morning, goofing off for another few minutes before I get serious about work and I think I heard the guy in the next office pass gas! Or, fart, or whatever work you want to enter here! Dang! This is a gassy office!

When I first started working here, I was a smoker. There is only one other person who smokes so me and her would go outside together for a smoke break. She had the walking poots! HAHAHA! It is hard to ignore when there are only two of you. It took all the self control and restraint to keep from laughing. This happened more than once, too.

The guy in the next office burps all the time. That is not as funny as when he farts though! Hopefully, something better than this will happen today though!

My Break Up Letter

This is very hard for me to write. I have known this was coming for a long time and I feel that I have worked very hard to avoid this. But, I don't feel that my efforts have been reciprocated. It hurts me beyond belief to have to end this relationship. I have suffered break ups in the past but those were not like this is going to be. In past relationships, I had only given pieces of my heart away and in this relationship, I foolishly gave my whole heart away. We had a great weekend together and for that I am grateful. I think we were able to hold things in for appearances sake and I don't think anyone knew this was coming. To explain to everyone how I feel I am posting this letter to make it easier for everybody to understand.


You and I were best friends for so long before we were serious, which is what makes this ten times harder than any other. I have come to realize that my dependence on you has been detrimental to my mental and physical health. I was once a much stronger person before you came along and swept me off my feet. In these last few months you may have noticed me pulling away from you emotionally. I have tried to cover it up so that you have not noticed, but I know you are smarter than that.

Over the years, I have come to feel like I can't make it through the day without having your sweet kiss. But, that kiss is not good for me. People have warned me for years that you would eventually cause me heartache, but you are so sweet to me that I didn't listen. I thought we could make it through anything together.

We have had so many great memories together. It will be hard to go through the upcoming holidays and birthdays without you, but I really feel this is for the best. I will never forget that you have always been there for me. In good times we celebrated together. In the bad times you were there for me to lean on. Even on a Saturday afternoon when I just needed a friend, I knew I could always count on you. I have counted on you too much lately though.

I am doing this just as much for me as I am for you. It is not fair for me to use you all the time like this. I hate knowing that I can use you to satisfy my needs and then throw you away, empty. I should not be that kind of person.

As I write this letter, you can probably hear the tears welling up in my eyes. I know that you have a charming, although dark side which always lures me in, but I pray that you take it easy on me this time.

I can no longer look forward to going home to find you waiting there. As a matter of fact, I must ask you to move out of the house entirely. This is MY house and I know I said I would make this as easy as possible, but I must insist that you leave. The sooner the better, because the pain of knowing what is coming is almost unbearable..

I do hope that one day you and I can at least be friends again one day. I thought we would always be together. I can't see spending the rest of my life without you but right now I don't see another way. I know that our paths will cross again when we are both stronger and can have a relationship conducive to both of us.

Until then, when I see you in public, I will ignore you and I would appreciate it if you respect me enough not to call out to me either. It hurts too much right now for me to be civil - even in public. I have always loved you and always will.

Please remember me always......

My love affair with chocolate is over. This is going to be a messy split so any support you can give me is very much appreciated. I am working hard to meet certain goals and I feel that chocolate is standing in my way. I can't let it hold me back anymore. From this day forward I am trying to kick my biggest weakness. The irresistible call of dark chocolate is what I think will be the hardest. Therefore, if I am cranky or irritable please bear with me.

Vege Stuffed Bell Peppers

6 Bell Peppers
2c Instant Rice (Brown, white, dirty - your choice)
12oz can of chicken or vegetable broth or 12oz water
1/4c frozen peas
2/3 of a can of whole kernel corn (or yield from 2 medium ears)
1 3oz can olives, sliced or chopped
15-20 broccoli florets
12-16oz tomato sauce
1/4 small onion
1tbsp minced garlic
2 Pkg of taco seasoning
4tbsp (more or less to taste) red pepper flake or jalapeno powder
1c Part skim or low fat shredded mozzarella cheese (pepper jack cheese is also yummy)
1/2 block of softened 1/3 less fat cream cheese


Preheat oven to 400. Cut tops off of 6 bell peppers & clean ribs & seeds from each. Add about 1-2 tablespoons of water in each pepper. Place on a baking sheet and put in preheated oven for about 20 minutes. This steams the peppers from the inside out and gives them time to soften up.

Cover the 2 cups of rice with broth or water & microwave for 2 minutes or until rice is cooked & fluffy. add peas, corn, olives, & broccoli. Saute onion & garlic until soft & then add to rice mixture. Add taco seasoning & tomato sauce. Add cream cheese and mix well until cream cheese is thoroughly incorporated. Add most of the mozzarella or pepper jack cheese.

Take peppers out of oven and, using a towel or oven mitt, carefully pour out the remaining water, if any, from the peppers. Fill each pepper generously with the rice & cheese mixture. Top each with the reserved mozzarella or jack cheese. Bake for 15 minutes until cheese is bubbly and peppers have softened more.


***A couple of things about this recipe***
The cream cheese incorporates easier if you mix it with the rice right when you take the rice out of the microwave. The warmer the rice, the easier the cheese will mix into it. I did not do this because I fill a couple of the peppers with the vegetable mixture before I add cheese. With the whole weight loss & being in shape thing, I can't eat all that cheese. So, I make some peppers for me without cheese, then add the cheese for my husband's peppers. Trust me, this is just as good without cheese!!!

This is good as a side to chicken or steak or as a main course. I will try to post a picture off this soon.

I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE THIS!