Suspicious Minds

This is going to be a weird story but if anyone in Bloggy World has any experience with this I would appreciate the advice! A couple of months ago, after a long history of drug abuse, my cousin lost her fight with addiction. Because of the choices she made, some people in the family, including her sister, chose not to associate with her for the years prior to her passing. Since her death this has been a struggle of emotions.

My cousin was married for 12 years to a man that participated in the counteractive behaviors with her. It is not uncommon for husband and wife to share in addiction and of course, they usually fuel each other's habits, as it was in this case. She was pregnant when they married. Although she insisted for years that the child was/is her husband's we all had our suspicions that her daughter actually belongs to the guy she dated prior to marrying. That part of the story is actually irrelevant, as we always accepted the daughter as his and the three of them as a family - although a couple of weeks before her passing she did confess that she knew her current husband was not the father of her daughter. I guess I told that part to show that she had a tumultuous past.


Her and her husband had been on the outs and she was staying half the time at home and half the time with friends. And when I say friends I mean bad influence druggies that were taking advantage of her. At least that's what all indications lead to.


She was found on a Saturday morning lifeless on the couch where she had slept the night before. She had stayed at home the night before and supposedly made good with her husband. The story is that they had made amends and she was to live at home full time again. Her husband left that morning while she was still sleeping to run errands. He came home mid-morning supposedly to check on her and then headed out again to help a friend work on a car. She was notorious for sleeping for hours at a time without waking, so when he found her still asleep on the couch he decided that she had been continuously sleeping and therefore, no need to bother her.

An hour or so later he says he had a feeling that she needed him so he went home to check on her again. He couldn't see the rise and fall of her breath so he checked a little harder and found that she was not breathing. He started doing CPR on her when that didn't work he called my mother to say that he was taking her to the hospital. In short, she didn't make it to the hospital. We are not sure if she passed away on the way to the hospital, before he got there or even earlier that morning.


Because of some suspicious breaks in his story, there is talk that family members think he may have had something to do with her passing. Family members are trying to get the police department to launch an investigation. If anyone has experienced a similar situation I would appreciate an email. How much is enough to go on? There isn't that much to piece together but then again, there is. I guess I am trying to find out if someone were in this position how crazy did you think you were to think these things? I feel like a crazy person. And I must say that I am on the fence about his possible involvement.

This is probably the strangest thing I have ever talked about. Just putting it in writing leaves a lump in my throat. It makes it sound silly. I know I didn't go into the suspicions here, but I might in a later post, depending on how the next few days progress. In the meantime, my thoughts are with those who have been in this position before or those who wish they knew the real story.

Zoo Heat

In my last post, I mentioned that I had family coming. I wanted to be in good shape for this mini reunion. Well, that was this past weekend and I was not in the shape I wanted to be in, but I am getting used to that. I don't know if I have fallen into a trend of not being realistic or if I am just not working hard enough. I am aware that I am not putting as much effort into it.

No matter my physical shape, we had a good time. This was Mr. Man's weekend off from work so he smoked a pork roast so we could have lunch with everyone before going to the zoo. While it was 1000 degrees outside, we still had a great time walking around the million mile zoo. The Memphis Zoo has been listed as the highest rated zoo in America by the 2008 Cultural Attraction Benchmark, which sounds really hoity toity, but it really is a cool zoo. And it is HUGE. Even more HUGE when it is 1000 degrees outside. After walking around the zoo for 4 hours in the hottest part of the day, we went home and took a shower, then took a nap!

This weekend also consisted of me frying chicken for a house full of hippies, forgot my car at someone else's house and ordered the parts to fix my pool after our storm the other night. But, those are all other stories. I hope everyone had a great weekend and a happy Father's Day (for all the Dads!)

New Goals

My last day at job #2 was this past Sunday. It is a bittersweet end. I was proud of myself for the track record I had while I was there. I got to hang out with the husband and I had something to keep my mind busy while I went through a rather rough phase.

However, I did start slacking on my running and working out, which irritates me to no end. Running and working out had become such a huge part of my mental well being. It literally helped me sleep better at night and have a better attitude during the day. Not to mention the increased self esteem I had from looking better. I was able to carry both jobs and running several miles a week and doing strength training for a few months. Actually, I held it up for the better part of the last year, however there came a point where I would put my "all" into running one week or out everything I have into working another week.

Well, I am proud to say that today marks the day where I get back on track. I am kicking things off with a yoga class. I think that is a good start because it is a little lower key and will stretch me out some. The class that I picked out is with an instructor that I have never taken a class from and it is a type of yoga that I have never done before, which makes it exciting.

Like millions (or billions) of other females in America, I am re-starting a weight loss program. I hate being this on-again, off-again cliche', which is why I have to get my whole life back on track.

By the way - I have some family coming in 2 weeks that I have not seen in years. I want to be in a little better shpae by then (no miracles in 2 weeks). If anyone wants to engage in a challenge of sorts, please let me know. We can post pictures and compare pounds or body fat or something. Or maybe a 'miles run per week' thing. Let me know!

Work...Or Not

Wow, it has been a long time. I guess spring brought along lots of things to my To-do list and I have been doing all of those things instead of blogging. It has been quite a long month and an even longer couple of weeks. My cousin passed away and because she didn't pass of natural causes that ended up being a very consuming week. That brought along a lot of thoughts, feelings and arguments from all sides of the family. It is hard to deal with the death of someone who should not have died.

I had the flu for only the second time in my life. I don't get sick a lot. In fact, I barely ever get sick besides a migraine headache. This was different. My throat felt like a shower drain stuffed with hairballs and sludge, my ears sore and it sounded like water was slushing around in them. The water noise caused a headache, of course and my body just ached, in general. Between my cousin's funeral and me being sick I ended up taking a few days off work. it makes me feel like crap when I have to miss work.

Because of some of these things going on in my life coupled with some things going on at work (both jobs), I asked to take a leave of absence from my second job. I won't bore you with the details but what actually happened was I put my notice in to quit my second job all together. I didn't want to do that. I mean, I am OK with quitting, but I like that job. That's my job. I rule that job.

I need a break. I need a break bad! I am OK with quitting because I don't really need the job, but the money is nice. More importantly than the money, I like having something to do. On the weekends, because I know I have to be at work the next day, I stay out of trouble. This job has been therapeutic for me. I feel like my husband likes me more because of that job. It is something else that we have in common that draws us together. Also, if I didn't work there and know the ins and outs of it, I never would have made it through this economy with my sanity with my husband selling cars for a living.

But working every day at one job or another gets tiresome and I need a break. I feel like a failure for quitting though. I was using the money to help build a savings account for emergencies and that account is not to the point that I hoped it would be at before I stopped working. I am comfortable with what is there, I just didn't meet the goal I wanted to meet. That bothers me.

What is done is done. Coincidentally, my last day will end up being my 1 year anniversary - to the day. I didn't even plan that.

Now I am going to start going back to yoga and really start running again. I am going to get up on Saturday mornings and clean house. I will play with the dogs more and take them for walks. I will do all the things that housewives do, except I will still have my real job. I just feel like maybe that isn't enough.

I plan to really work hard and make what money I can for the next two weeks. I will also try to get used to the idea of not working after that. Hopefully, I will get rid of this guilt of not working before I actually stop working! My hope is to pick up enough hobbies to feel justified. If this doesn't work then I will explore options to get another second job. Would that be a second, second job? That might not go over well with the husband. Ugghhh, I hate being a grown up!

Put Up Your Dukes

Over the course of my life I have known a few different ladies that feel it is OK for their significant others to throw them around or beat on them (and/or their children).

When I was growing up we lived on the bottom floor of an apartment building with paper thin walls. I was friends with the girl whose family lived in the apartment above us. I could hear the (physical) fights between her mom and step dad when her mom didn't vacuum the floor like he wanted or when the kids didn't act like perfect angels getting up for school in the morning. The mom finally left with the kids in the middle of the day one day while he was at work. About a month later, we learned that he put their three year old daughter in the hospital. We learned this because he was a police officer and when police officers put their babies in the hospital by beating on them, they put it in the newspaper. I always felt bad, but never thought it was really my business to say something.

I bring this up because there is a girl at work that is being abused by her boyfriend. Just as if she were on a Lifetime Movie of the Week, she tells us about all the things he does to her so that we all hate him, they break up and she says it is over for good and then they get back together again. Surprise! This guy has left her in the middle of nowhere to walk for six hours to make it back home. He has hit her son, and now she is in the hospital.

I have listened to these stories for over a year. Everyone has told her what she already knows and she still insists on being with this guy. Because I know that people have offered for her and her children to stay with them and offered to help her in so many ways, I can not bring myself to feel bad for this girl.

I feel bad that she is so stupid and that she is putting her kids in the line of fire with this guy. They don't have a choice. She is very open about telling everybody at work every time he lays a hand on her or verbally abuses her so I have to believe that she is either asking for attention or asking for help. Since there have been several avenues of help offered to her, I can't help but thinking she needs the attention. I guess after getting beat up, it makes you feel better for someone to dote on you. I can understand that you would feel loved like that. But there has to be an end to this. Does she not understand that if she leaves this guy then someone will love her and dote on her without having to beat her up first?

I can't understand this mentality. I know some people are scared, but of what? If he beats her up how is that different than any regular Tuesday afternoon? Some say they fear that he will kill her. It seems as though a high percentage of these guys escalate to murder or they accidentally hit too hard one day and she never gets back up. Don't you at least have to try? If the outcome is the same at least you did what you could for you and your kids. Isn't there a point when you have to get fed up and just try something different?

Obviously, I have never been in this situation so it is easy for me to write these things. I get that. But, I don't get not doing whatever you can, if not for yourself then for your kids. It makes my skin crawl and my heart cry. God be with her and those kids. I hope one day, when she gets out of the hospital, the lights will come on for her.

Reunited or Not?

I really wish I could learn to blog when I am in certain situations. That way I could really see my emotions and how fast they change. For instance, last weekend my sister called me out of the blue. I have not spoken to her in over a year (Well, at best right at a year. I can't remember the exact date but it was this time of year). The conversation was odd:

ME: Hello
HER: Hey, what are you
doing?
ME: Nothing. I
just left your house from seeing
Mom and
Dad. (She stayed in her bedroom the whole time
I was there. I don't know if she knew I was there visiting my parents and
nieces
or not.)
HER: Yea. Do you have to work today?
ME: Yep. I work every
Sunday
HER: Well, I
might call you
back later then.
ME: OK. Talk to you later

After all that time it was like nothing happened although the conversation was pretty slim. By the way, I was very uncomfortable being at her house thinking she didn't want me there. When I left and we had this phone conversation I remember getting off the phone and thinking that if she really cared she would have apologized or acknowledged the situation or something. I should have wrote out a quick blog with my specific feelings, but I didn't.

I also had soft feelings for the friend that I had problems with about a year ago. The best friend who got a divorce and started ignoring me and being very self destructing, blah, blah, blah... Well, I had my brother-in-law, whom she is still friends with, tell me that she is having a hard time and that she isn't participating near as much in those self destructing activities. That same night she ended up texting me. I talked to her, on and off through texting, for a couple of days. I really said to myself that I am going to let go of all my hatred and hurt feelings and try to be friends with her again. Man, how I wish we could be friends again!

Lastly, I expressed feelings, out loud, to a friend about some religious things that have been stirring on the inside. I won't go into specifics (who wants to hear that!?) but I am having second thoughts about the augmentation surgery based on how I was raised. Which I sort of blogged about in my last entry, but my conversation with this friend was much more in depth about both subjects.

Now that this week is almost over I have flipped on all three of these situations. I have decided that I need to just deal with the fact that my sister will not outwardly apologize. Her call alone was her saying that she is over it and wants to move on. The problem is that I can't think of a reason to call her (for no reason) and reciprocate. I happen to know that she is being audited by the IRS and her landlord is kicking her out (I don't know if this is generated by actions of my sister or the landlord), which might be the reason for her finally calling me, but I don't care if it is or not. I have a sister and two nieces that I will always be there to help even though her reaction to my help is never going to be what I expect. It doesn't matter.

This friend whom I have a soft spot for has let me know that she is not the person I knew for 8 years before her divorce. Maybe she was that person at that time or maybe she has always been this person. If the latter is true then maybe she was living a life that was not her and she was truly unhappy. That would make sense because the drastic 180 was so fast. Maybe she kept that life up for so long and finally broke. Either way, at this point, the person she is now is not someone I want to be close to. I really, really want the person I was so close with back. But, unlike my sister, I am not willing to compromise. I know that the person I knew was so much better than the person I know now. I don't see that she has the right to take the easy way out of life. I know she is better. She let me know for 8 years that she is better.

As far as the religion and body-altering surgery goes, this is something I will struggle with for a long time. I know that I was raised in the church and that things I do don't reflect how I was raised. Just like my friend, I was once a better person. But, I can't stop associating with myself. Maybe I can't be friends with her because it subconsciously reminds me that I should be a better person too. Again, I could talk in circles about this for hours.

My point in this is that my opinions and feelings changed severely within a few days' time. Is it normal for me to have put this much thought into these things? Would another person have received the call from a sister and moved on not giving it a second thought? Is it psycho of me to miss this friend this much? Is this internal fight really warranted? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I am not passionate enough in my writing to really express what I really want to where these subjects are concerned. But should I even have the desire to express these things?

As you can tell I am having a mental health week! Hopefully it will pass and I can move on. For now, just wrinkle your nose at me and keep going!

How Much Sould Their Opinion Matter??

I had a great day yesterday. Nothing in particular happened, but everything fell into place and it was a good day. I have run everyday this week except yesterday because I had to work yesterday. I had a couple come in at 10 minutes til closing and ended up selling a car at 10:30 last night. Being that yesterday was the last day of the pay period I didn't mind being there a little late to make the sale. nice way to end the pay period. Today is the first day of the new pay period - obviously - so I need to get to work! This week I dedicated my extra time to running so next week I will dedicate my extra time to working.

I talked briefly about going to see my parents a few days ago. Unfortunately, I don't go to see them that often even though they don't live far from me. Reciprocally, they don't make it to my neck of the woods on a regular basis either. Therefore, you can imagine me being overwhelmed by the fact that my dad has been staying at my house all this week and my mom is coming in this weekend to spend the weekend. I love my parents. I really do. And we get along great. But, I always feel the need to entertain them or make sure they have food and everything they need while they are with me and sometimes that is overwhelming. I have a pretty busy schedule for the most part so that can put a damper on me making sure they are content.

Oh, and there have been an awkward moment or two. For about 2 or 3 years now I have been contemplating having breast augmentation surgery and have finally scheduled a consultation for it next week. I am still debating on whether or not to go through with the surgery, because elective surgery is kind of scary to me. In order to help me make the final decision to go through with it or finally abandon this notion, I scheduled the consultation so I will really know my options. I am so freaking excited!! And scared. I am definitely a little apprehensive.

My parents are fairly religious. I grew up attending church 90% of the time the doors were opened. My mother still goes to church regularly. Even though she is not the recruiting type, she is still pretty tight with God. Which is a great thing, don't get me wrong. But, they believe that we should not desecrate our bodies. Our bodies are a part of God's temple. My sister got a tattoo when she was 23 or 24 years old and my parents still talk about what a mistake she made. (even though she was obviously an adult at the time.) Needless to say, part of my reservation on getting the surgery is having to hear their opinions about it because I know they will be negative.

Dad and I were watching an episode of CSI and the episode was about someone killing a plastic surgeon. That evidently opened the door for Dad to go into a tangent about plastic surgery and how we should be proud of the body that God gave us and how no one has realistic expectations of the results (that part I do agree with). I just nodded and kept watching without really giving a response. I don't know if that was the correct thing to do or not. That should have been my invitation to mention that I am thinking about the surgery but I am a wuss and just could not do it! I know that this is my decision and my body, etc but I am not a fan of being the cause of my parent's disappointment!

*Sigh* Life is hard! no, seriously, I know that this is not a life or death problem. I would like some opinions as to whether or not I should let this concern play a part in my decision. Maybe I should just have it done and if they notice then acknowledge it. HA HA That would be very childish, wouldn't it? Or would that be the normal thing to do? I don't generally discuss things like that with Mom and Dad anyway. I have wanted this for so long. It is possible that I will go to the consultation and chicken out all together and this won't be a discussion. But, maybe not.

So the debate continues....

The Fun Girl

I have not posted anything in a while. Partly because I don't know that I have anything to say and partly because I don't know that anyone wants to hear what I do have to say. But that's OK. I totally understand if you want to change the channel. I have several things swimming around in my head right now and I will get to those, hopefully when my mind is clear enough to translate them to paper {ahem, I mean text}.

I went to an underwriting meeting for work today. This is a meeting where people from several different agencies come together at the invitation of a common carrier to talk about the new coverages the carrier offers or new things going on in the marketplace. Believe it or not, as dry as insurance is, most of the people who work in the industry are pretty outgoing. I mean, come on, we are a bunch of sales people. Most of us drink too much and talk too loud.

And that brings me to my issue. I used to be a fun person. I used to be the person who could stand up in these meetings, all eyes on me, and make jokes or bring points to the table, etc. As I sat in this meeting today watching and listening to a lady that was rambunctious and fun it became apparent to me that I used to be that way. Past tense. I didn't even realize it was past tense until I was in the presence of someone who exemplifies who I was. Or am.

I was loud; sometimes too loud. I was rowdy; sometimes too rowdy. I always had an opinion; sometimes too strong of one. When I started going through the original depression or whatever it was, I think I became gun shy. Obviously, these are not characteristics of a depressed person so I know that some of it was lost in that. But, in my climb out of the pit over the last few months, I have not regained some of that.

One thing that kept my downward slide going was that I didn't have my best friend to talk to anymore. I felt that I had done something wrong and that whatever that something was alienated her. Listening to my loud opinions is what made her mad at me so my answer to that is to shut up.

In the last few months I realized that what happened between she and I was not really my fault. We really did just grow apart. At a time where my life was moving toward the next stages in married life and the next stages of my financial life, her marriage was ending and she was experiencing single life. We did have friends choose sides and most chose her because most of my friends are single and/or party all the time. She was my partner in crime too. Because of that some of my outgoing nature came radiated from her. It was a real ego blow to not have the yin to my yang anymore.

In trying to keep my sanity I got a second job and I started working out and running. When you have that much of your time consumed sometimes you loose sight of the things that make you, you. I want to get back to being me. Or yet, I want to be a better version of me. I will give up some of the fun personality to be sane, but I need to go back to being everybody's best friend. I will try to keep myself intact but make more of an effort to reach out to people, both at work and at home.

This is another rung that needs to be added to the ladder. Sure, it makes the ladder higher but when you get to the top you are closer to the light bulb. Just something else to think about.

Grim Subject Matter

I am going to my mom and dad's house this weekend. They live in the boonies in Mississippi. It has been a long while since I have been down there. My mom's whole side of the family lives down there so maybe I will get to see some cousins and aunts and uncles that I have not seen in a while.

One thing I do want to do while I am there is go to the cemetery and visit my Nanny (Grandma). Maybe it is the prospect of going to this town where I spent my summers with her. Maybe it is because I have food nostalgia. I really don't know what it is but I have missed her the past few days. I wish I would have spent more time with her. I am sure most of us say that about the loved ones that have passed on to greater things. I haven't been to the cemetery since her funeral and I have never visited someone at a cemetery so I am a little anxious about it. Do you take a gift? Am I required to talk out loud like they do on the movies? HA HA OK I know the answers to both of those questions. Still, I am sure I will feel a little weird standing out there talking to Nanny, but it is a must do.

Something else I am looking forward to is running out there. My mom and dad literally live in the middle of nowhere. They are within a few miles of a larger city and there are paved roads, but there aren't any other houses. It is all farm land. (I know when you think of the boonies in MS you think of the movie Deliverance but it isn't that bad! Besides that's Alabama!) So, there might be a man on a tractor or a stray dog or two, but it should be peaceful, unlimited running.

I have a lot to look forward to this weekend. I hope everyone else has a good weekend!

Uncomfortable

I normally get along with most people I meet. I think most people would describe me as easy going. In fact, a friend recently said I am accommodating, which I am not sure is a compliment or not.

At work, there is a lady whom I really don't want to be around. This is at my day job so it is a smaller office with not a lot of people, which makes it difficult to avoid this person. When I first started working here I was OK with this person and we had several conversations and I thought she was pretty nice. However, as time has gone by it seems that she is THAT person who always has a better story or has had a worse experience. She also has a bad habit of interrupting when someone else is speaking. Sometimes I don't make eye contact with her so that hopefully she won't start a conversation with me. This is so bad!

I don't want it to be like this. I don't want to feel uncomfortable trying to avoid someone at work. On the flip side, I don't want her to be uncomfortable either. I hope I do a good job at not letting her notice that I don't like talking to her.

Here's a story for ya. I usually get to the office at least 30 minutes before business hours. Once, she came in about 15 til and asked me to go out and get her a sausage biscuit because she didn't have time to stop on her way to work. Now, if we are still 15 minutes from the start of work and if I have time to go get a biscuit, wouldn't she have had time too? I did go get her biscuit. I am not sure why, but I did.

This morning, she calls me on my desk phone and asks me to help her with the kitchen. Not knowing what she would need help with I comply. She brought doughnuts for the office (very nice of her) in honor of the return of a coworker that has been on medical leave for a while. She needed my help to get paper plates out of the cabinet. Seriously. There was nothing else. I got the plates, put them on the table next to the box of doughnuts and told her I was trying to finish a project (which I should be doing!) and came back to my desk.

As I said before, she is a very nice lady - no question. For some reason, I just don't click well with her. And I have no idea why she makes these odd, unreasonable requests from me. Or why I oblige them!

I know that I could have worse problems. I have definitely worked with less desirable co workers! My plan is to only speak to her when she speaks to me. Maybe that will politely indicate that I don't want to be social with her. Honestly, we don't have a very social office. No one here really goes out of their way to know anyone on a personal level. Which is sad (or good). But, maybe this lady won't think I am treating her any different than anyone else. This makes me feel so immature though!

Leave me a comment and let me know if there is a better way to handle this. It is not as though she is unbearable or anything but similar to an itch I can't reach to scratch.

Making the Run

Yesterday I had plans to leave work, go running, pick up the most delish deep dish pizza, meet a friend and go home and watch the basketball games. When I changed clothes before I left work, I realized that I did not bring socks!!!! I have never worn tennis shoes without socks. The feel and the smell... the whole thing grosses me out. Whenever I see people wearing tennis shoes without socks, my skin crawls.

In addition to the feel and the smell I was also wondering about the blisters... I was pretty well punking out of running. Some days talking myself out of running is not hard to do and with so much going on yesterday I didn't have to use my best charm.

I was on the phone with a co-worker in one of our other branches talking about an account we had worked hard on all day. The conversation went a little like this:

Judy: "This policy form actually excludes more of his operations than the
renewal offer from the incumbent."

Me: "Let me ask you something that has nothing to do with this."

Judy: "Good I am so tired of this account. Let's talk about something
else."

Me: "I forgot my socks to go running when I leave here this afternoon.
Should I run without socks?

Judy: "Ewww. That's gross! Won't you get blisters? I mean, I don't run,
but seems like that wouldn't be good for your feet."

Me: "Yea, you have a point. I really need to run though."

Judy: "Stop by a Walgreens and get a pair for a couple of
dollars."

Woah, That was a good idea. Besides, I love socks! I can certainly get a new pair or two! The only problem was that the only place like Walgreens where I could buy a cheap pair of socks would have put me on the other side of the park and half way home. So, I thought of one more thing.

I am quite frequently made fun of because I usually have more clothes in my car than I have in my closet. I ventured in the truck of my car and actually found a pair of dirty crumpled up socks... Yay! Basically, I traded one kind of gross for another. But - mentally it made me feel better and I went running.

Granted, the run sucked, but I did it. A little over half way through the 2nd of 3 laps I had a little bit of chest pain and had to walk most of the rest of the way, I did not punk out. I finished.

Today, while I sit here at 3:29, I am about to go change clothes - and socks - and go at it again today.

Earth Hour

Real Quick Post: Is anyone participating in Earth Hour? Earth Hour is Saturday, March 28th at 8:30 (in your time zone). You spend an hour without electricity... Turn off the dishwasher, eat dinner by candlelight, or snuggle under the covers (!?!). I don't normally go crazy with the 'green' stuff and I will probably be at work, but you could really have fun with this. Play hide & seek in a dark house or go snipe hunting in the backyard. Let me know if you are thinking about participating and what you might do with your hour.

5-0

Either something is wrong with my car or the police are stalking someone with a car similar to mine. There could be other explanations for 2 and 3 police cars stalking me at a time, but after racking my brain I can't really think of anything else.

For example, this morning I was sitting in the McDonald's drive thru and a cop car appeared in my rear view mirror. Then, he came around me getting so close to my car I thought I would have to have it repainted. He kind of poked his head forward (sort of like a chicken pecking. You've seen people do this before, right?) and got a good look at me. I guess I was not what he was looking for because he radioed something to someone; possibly to the cop behind him. (Is radioed a real word? It doesn't look right. Wonder if the spell check will pick it up. I hear it all the time on TV cop shows, so it must be real, right?). Maybe Back-Up Cop didn't believe First Cop because he also took a paint sample from my car, did the chicken pecking motion and continued on.

Normally, I would just think that they were nosy officers who decided to pass on their McCafe treats, but yesterday afternoon, leaving work there was a similar situation. Our office is at the end of an office cove. The cove actually has an outlet in the 'circle' portion of the cove as well as the 'straight away' portion. When I left work I noticed a police officer sitting in the end of the cove in his car. This is not a cove that is conducive to speed traps so there was not an obvious reason for a policeman to sit there. I got in my car and pulled out of our parking lot and Mr. Cop speeds up behind, to read my plates?? (Couldn't he do that when my car was in the lot?) He did not pull me over, but he seemed to be waiting for me because he backed off before I got to the end of the street and turned and went out of the cove the other direction.

If anybody can shed some light on what might be happening, please let me know! Is this something I should be concerned about? I know I have no choice but to continue on until I am mistakenly thrown out of the car and pushed to the ground.... or not. Maybe it is not that crucial, but this is strange, right?

It makes me think of the old Sabotage video from Beastie Boys. That was their best video ever!

Running, Eating, Saving and Smoking

Running is not going well. Neither is not eating chocolate. The weather is perfect most days, but I have not been able to get into gear. I have run a few times, but it is not spectacular. I have my eating in check again, except for the chocolate, which I am just going to have to deal with. (Really -I am not upset about that!) I am sleeping all the time again and it is causing me to drag during the day. When I get off of work I just want to go back to sleep and the cycle continues.

I have fallen into the habit of going out to eat for lunch and dinner on the weekends at work. And, my husband is a great cook. He makes all the fatty, fried, stuff with creamy dipping sauces. Yumm! I am getting back to resisting the temptations though. I am not horrible on the food. I am going over on my calories, but the quality of food has progressively gotten better. One step at a time, right?

On another note, my debt relief program is going well (despite the gobs of money spent on fast food.). I have one account paid off and next month will start on one of the cars. With the majority of this debt being car debt, I think I will be able to really feel the progress once one of the cars is paid off. I am trying to put a certain number of dollars in the savings account each month and right now it looks like that amount might be short for April. My first pay period for March at my 2nd job was not what I have budgeted for savings. In January & February I was a little over my monthly goal so hopefully it all evens out. Yes, I realize that it does not make sense for me to have money in the bank while I have balances, but this is what works for us. We like the cushion for peace of mind because my husband's income is 100% commission based on car sales. I don't think I have to explain our anxiety!

I don't know about you guys, but I am sick of all the financial talk and the recession and things going bad. It feels as though I have cabin fever, but there is no way to get out of the house. I can't wait until all this starts straightening out. I am praying for all those who are dealing with loss of income of loss of a house, etc. Everyday I am on the verge too, which is why I am scrambling now.

Maybe we should all smoke a *j* and eat brownies for a while. Nah, that won't work. We will just wake up sober and fat. I can handle sober but I can't handle starting over!

Oh yea, speaking of smoking, my husband is trying to quit smoking (again). I think he has a good start this time and it seems he really wants it. I will be so proud of him when he kicks this habit. Not because of all of society's views (I can't be hypocritical. I am a recovered smoker.) but because I know it bothers him that he has not been able to quit. So, along with all the people dealing with life right now, my heart goes out to him as well.

Good luck to everybody.

I thought I posted this days ago... Oops!

I was involved in a wreck this past January. I don't know that I even mentioned it here, as I was so stressed over it that every time I talked about it I could feel my blood boiling. Long story short, I was hit by someone pulling out of a driveway, making a left hand turn, but I received a ticket at the time because the officer said that I was driving in the turning lane. [In my whining 3 year old voice, "I was not!"]. Well, Monday morning I get to go to court to dispute my ticket and try to get it taken off my driving record. If I can get it dismissed, my insurance company will subrogate against the other party involved for the damages.

I live in a big city that has lots of bad drivers and lots of criminals (the traffic court division is in the same building as the jail house). I have never, ever been to this building for anything. I am scared! I feel like I should be using my 3 year old voice because I feel the need to hide under my bed. Don't get me wrong - I am not weak or easily intimidated, but the stories that I have heard from people going to the courthouse are really horrible.

UPDATE 03/18/09: I really thought that I finished this post and, well, posted it. But, as I sit here I noticed that it never went anywhere. So to update you on things... I went to the courthouse on Monday. The court time on my ticket was 9:00 AM. I got there at 7:30! I am always early, people. Maybe not always this early, but I am always early. After paying the $10 to park across the street from the courthouse, the plan was to scope it out and see where I needed to be and go back and sit in the car for a while to prepare myself.

When I went through the metal detectors (2 in the same hallway), found my way upstairs to the court rooms (I almost went to the visiting section of the jail!), and then found Division 2 (Honorable Tarik Sugarmon), I found that people were already waiting to get in. WOW! I was not first for once! I wanted to get everything over as quickly as possible so I decided to stand in line rather than going to sit in the car.

I am so glad I did! As 9:00 got closer, the chatter got louder. Employees started showing up for work, lawyers started looking for their clients, people wandered around looking for the correct court room... I looked around and noticed that I was standing in a hallway with, literally, several hundred other people.

Finally, the clerk came around and handed me a piece of paper with my name, date of birth, and the charges against me and I marched into the court room to face the judge (which I was told by friends that I would not have to do...). He asked me questions about what happened and then quickly told me that he was going to dismiss my case. Yay!

The whole experience was intimidating, but quick. Once things started moving it probably only took about 10 minutes! Nobody set themselves on fire in my presence and I found the courage to talk to the judge in a grown up voice - not a shaky 3 year old.

To make a long story short, my insurance company is going to pay for my damages and the other party's insurance is going to pay for her damages. Some 50/50 law crap. I don't get my deductible back but I don't have to pay for her damages. Basically, my insurance will go up, just not as much as I had feared.

Yay justice.

Motivation and Money

I am at a motivational crossroads. With work, with running and exercise, with cleaning the house, with taking my weekly pictures, with my blogs, with everything. Some days I am fully loaded and ready to go and others I just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head. (I have taken to getting a nap in on my lunch breaks!! What the hell is wrong with me?!). I have a friend who berates himself all the time and it is awkward and gets old quickly so I don't want to go on and on. In my experience if I put it here, I am usually able to do something about it and move on. Speaking of moving on...

My Dad is my biggest hero of all time. A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with hepatitis and had to take six months worth of weekly shots that could have led him to remission. Millions of people find themselves in this situation; the shots work for some and for some they don't. For my Dad, the shots did not work. He had the option to go through another round of shot treatment, but because of how ill the shots made him, he opted to live as long as his liver will allow without the shots.

Let me back up a little. Daddy drove a truck for years and years until my sister and I came along and then he went into construction so that he could be home with my mom and us. Construction is the only thing I have really known him to do, although I grew up with stories of his truck driving days. When Daddy was taking the shots, construction was too physical to keep up with (I bet age had a part in it too. He is getting old!). Really, it made him so ill that any type of job was too much. He struggled through and worked most of the time even though he was dragging and in pain.

Anyhoo - I am telling this story for a reason... When he got over the shots, he decided to go back to driving a truck because it is not as physically demanding. I thought it was a great idea and he was excited. I co-signed for a loan for him to go back through the school and get his commercial license. He graduated and got a job right out of school with a company and went to driving. A few months later, we all find ourselves in the mess we are in now and he is laid off. There is still a few payments left on the loan so I picked up the payments. I did it for two reasons. One, to protect my credit rating and two, so that he did not have to worry about the expense until he found another job.

Fast forward a couple of months to the present. Daddy finds out that I have been paying the loan and we get into a 'discussion' about him paying me back. I explain that I don't need him to pay me back, but if he wants to then he can when he gets another job. Until that happens I am in no hurry to get the money back. The way I see it, if we are both making payments then the loan will be paid off early and we will save that much more on interest. Truth be told, I would like to pay off the loan entirely, as I see this as the same as making payments on a car we have already sold. I would never bring up paying the loan off though.

My Mom and Dad have always been the best parents that I know. Of course, I am biased! But, they always put me and my sister first and have done everything they could for us. I realize that that is part of the job description as a parent, but they did a hell of a job. I know a lot of parents who may say they agree, but their actions don't really support the theory of living for their kids like Mom and Dad do. I admit that on my list of reasons to not have kids, one of those reasons is because I don't feel that I can live up to the excellent job my parents did. I saw this loan as a way I could be there for him (and Mom) the way they have always done for me. Of course, this is only a fraction of what I owe them.

Was this an insult? Was it demeaning? My intent was not to make anyone feel bad or embarrassed, I was just trying to help. My parents are the type that won't even let us pay for dinner if we all go out. Or if I drive the 200 miles to see them, they want to give me gas money. I dropped the discussion and Dad will continue to pay the loan and if a month comes by when he needs me to pay it, then he will let me know. I am fine with that. Like I said, I wanted to help, not make them unhappy, therefore, however he wants to do it is fine with me. As long as he is content.

What is the best way to handle truly humble people? I want to show gratitude and they want to argue back and forth about them being my parents no matter how old I get (Don't get me wrong, I fully know that they will be my parents, even if I live to be 245!) My actions are a product of how they raised me - to put others first!!! For now, I will lay off of this.

After Being Away So Long...

I have been such a slacker on my running for the past couple of months. My excuse, however lame it is, is that it has been cold/rainy/snowy outside. I really hate cold weather and I really tried all winter to ignore the cold and push through it, but I am just not that strong! About 30 degrees is about as cold as I can go. Even that is pushing it because I don't like suffocating in my sweatshirts and freezing on my arms! I can never get enough layers on my arms...

In the process of playing dodge ball with the weather I got really unmotivated. I have been so extremely tired lately and I am pretty sure it is because I am not much more active than a rock. We went to Las Vegas on vacation and I felt like a failure because I was a little puffy and un-energetic. One of the reasons I got into all this stuff is because I wanted to be less self conscious about myself in these situations.

Yesterday I hit the pavement! The husband was at work and I was off so I had about 4 hours by myself. I used that time to try and get back on track. I have to tell you that it was awesome! I am so out of practice that I could not run to long at a time without stopping, so that part was not awesome. But, the wind was blowing just a little and it was kind of overcast outside and it was just perfect! Sweat built up on the back of my neck (That is really TMI, unless you feel the way I do about running!) and my legs had more of a purpose than just getting me from place to place.

I can't believe I have taken this much time off. I miss this. I have heard people say that they feel better when they exercise, but now I understand what that means. I have felt like crap for a while now but I thought it was depression and me getting sick. I have not wanted to go out and do anything or clean my house and my sales have been down. My only problem now is trying to get my endurance back up there so that I have the motivation to stick with it.

I only ran for about 30 minutes, but when I got home I was able to finish my laundry and cook dinner and clean the house (yes, I have been that lazy!). Now, if I can lay off the chocolate, I might be worth something! But, one step at a time.

My New Stimulus Plan

I finally got my husband to agree to let me start paying off all of our bills early! I spent most of my day yesterday planning a budget and actually writing down 3 scenarios of how we can pay off our debts early.

We have 5 financed accounts (Mortgage, signature loan, 2 cars, and a student loan that I co-signed for someone on) that we pay on in addition to regular household bills (utilities, insurance, phone, etc). Thankfully, none of this is credit card debt! But, that's a ton to be paying on! Don't get me wrong, we don't have a problem paying our bills and we most certainly have not taken on more than we can handle (even if I were to quit my 2nd job) but we both have jobs that are not so much, economy proof. So I feel that the less we are actually obligated to the better off we would be if, God forbid, something should ever happen.

The first option I came up with is to pay a couple hundred dollars in addition to the obligated amount for each account. That would permit us to pay off everything slowly at one time, with the last payment being made in June of 2011.

The second option is to pay at least $1,000 in addition to the obligated payment on 1 account until it is paid off while maintaining the regular payments on the other 4 accounts. In this scenario, 4 out of the 5 accounts would be paid by November 2010 and the 5th account paid off in 2011.

The third option is to keep putting money in a savings account until the balance in the account is high enough to pay off one of the accounts. Then, build it back up again and start over. The appeal to this is that if one of us does loose a job during the course of this, then we would have the money to live on.

We ultimately opted for option #2, as option #1 is too hard to keep up with and option #3 is not far off from what we are doing now and we have not been successful. It is too easy to build that savings account up and use the money for a new TV or a new deck, etc. I plan to continue to save 100% of my income from my second job. Being that my husband is on commission, I based his income on the smallest check I have ever seen him bring home. Anything he brings home over that amount we can either save or use as 'fun money.'

Things are going to be tight until about November of this year which is when our first bill will be paid. When that particular bill is paid off we will have an additional $250 to toward our everyday living. A lot of people would say that I should take the $250 and put it towards one of the other accounts, but I am being realistic here. We spend a lot of money! And, while I am trying to do better, I know that if we don't give ourselves some leeway this will never work. We are in this for the long haul!

Wish us luck on our little journey! If we don't make it in the exact time frame I will be okay with that. Just making headway will be good for me!

By the way, for my research I used Bankrate.com and mint.com (although mint.com required too much information and work on my part so I quickly abandoned it!). Both are great sights.

If anyone has ever done this or has used any of these methods, please let me know how it was. Or, if you have any suggestions or advice I am all ears!

Update

The past few days I have been a little anxious. We are going on vacation Sunday (Whoo hoo!) and I feel like I don't have anything done. I went to buy some clothes yesterday during lunch, but didn't really find anything. I bought a shirt, which I think I will be taking back. I have gained back so much weight and I am so disappointed in myself. Because of the weight I am self conscious in clothes again. I have consumed and enjoyed every brownie, chocolate chip cookie, Reese peanut butter cup, and any other form of chocolate that has been put in front of my face, therefore, I have only myself to blame, But, dang it has been good!

If I can't get myself back on track soon then I will quit talking and trying all together. Only because I know how annoying it is to listen to someone whine about not working out or eating too much. There is nothing to it but to do it. One day I will get back to it and in the meantime I don't want to be 'that' person. With the weather warming up maybe I will have better luck.

To visit the Vegas thing again... I am so nervous about going. I know that I am going to forget something. We don't have a direct flight, so I am worried about not making the connection for some reason and then there is the whole thing about being in a city I don't know. I think I would feel better if there was a big group of us going, which is what usually happens when I go on vacation. Not that I don't have confidence in my husband and myself to make it, but it is a bit overwhelming.

I just have to keep telling myself that if we miss our flight and get lost or something bad happens then we will be together. After all that is what this vacation is all about!

Past, Present, Future

When I was in 8th grade my English teacher made us write a time capsule letter about all the things that were going on in our lives at that time and who we were or were not friends with and anything we felt that was important. She said that in 5 years she would mail the letter to whatever specified address we thought we would be at in 5 years and the thought was that we could see that most of the things that happen in 8th grade are irrelevant and also as a funny reminder of how much you grow up (or not) during that time.

I left the 8th grade several years ago but I have thought about this letter from time to time. At the time, I gave my parents' address for Ms. Stitle to mail my time capsule letter to, but - something I would not have guessed in 8th grade - I moved out of mom and dad's house (before 5 years had past) and shortly after that the house was foreclosed on so mom and dad were not there to check the mail. Therefore, I never got my letter. Whoever lived in that house probably got a kick out of my 8th grade letter, if it ever made it!

Dove has their Real Beauty Campaign and they have done a similar project. One of their journalists has written a letter, present day, to herself when she was 14 years old. I thought I might take a stab at it. I wrote a letter to myself when I was 14 and I also wrote a letter to myself in ten years, when I am 37.

I won't post the letters here because they really are irrelevant as they were in 8th grade. The general public doesn't want to hear about my teenage insecurities or about my fears for the future! But, I challenge you to write a letter to yourself, either in present or past tense. You might be surprised at what comes out on canvas.

Blogs of Note

One of the blogs that I follow is bakerella and she was nominated in one of the categories for this year's Bloggies. I have never heard of Bloggies before, but I went to the page to vote for my dear bakerella because I love cake and she does excellent things with cake. There were several categories with nominees, so in order to make an informed decision, I spent the better part of my day (when I was supposed to be working!) checking out blogs. These are probably some of the best blogs out there for them to have been nominated. Some I liked and some, not so much. But, as you can see, over there to the right are several new blogs on my linklist. I am going to leave them there and see how many prove to be worthy on a long term basis. I must admit that for me to go through the trouble of adding them to the list, I think they are pretty awesome so it looks like I will be spending a lot of my time reading. But, reading is what I have always done so no biggie.

Voting for the Bloggies is over (I think) and they will announce the winners in March. Hopefully, Bakerella or one of the others will let us know who wins which categories. I wish everyone luck and if I never hear the winners, at least I have some new awesome-ness to follow.

Gesh, I really need to start working more while I am at work!


On another note - my running partner told me today that she is pregnant. probably won't be much running going on with her now. What did she have to go and get knocked up!? Just something else for me to use as an excuse! I am going to get my butt in gear really soon. I promise. Again.

My Turn Day

http://www.worldsuperheroregistry.com/

My mom always told me that there were angels walking around among us, but she never said anything about superheroes. According to the website, a superhero is defined as someone who wears a costume to do heroic deeds and has personal motivation, meaning they can not be a paid representative or work on behalf of any organization. I do not qualify because I never wear my costume out of the bedroom. (HA HA! OK - bad joke.)

This is a network of people that actually fight for justice and try to make the world a better place. In order to be added to the registry, you have to be a confirmed superhero either through media coverage or some sort of verification, which means that pretty much, your good deeds have to have made the news or some other notable source in order for you to make the cut. You also have to have performed your crime fighting or good deed while in costume. Personally, I have never, not once, seen a news story where a masked crusader or a dude in costume was the person that saved the day so I just have to take their word that these are real Superheroes.

This website is fun(ny) to look at and it is not really serious (I don't think!) but I think they are on to something. If you think about it maybe we should all be superheroes and try to make our world a better place.Tuesday, February 10th is My Turn Day. The premise behind it is to do a good deed or help a charity, preferably something that you have never done before, but anything will do. Or maybe it is not that big of a deal - maybe you are going to start recycling for the first time or knit socks for all your sister's kids or something.

On that day announce what you are going to do and then DO IT. I know a lot of us don't have a lot of time or resources, but most of us are in a position to do something. I know that with the economy the way it is everyone is trying to save and may not have much to spare, but I think that is even more of a reason to try to help out. Now, more than ever we can sympathize with needing some help or just needing something to feel good about for a change.

Leave me a comment and let me know if you going to try to participate and what ideas you might have. I am taking a page from Crystal Chick and I am throwing down the gauntlet - for every comment I receive about your intentions for My Turn Day, I will donate a can of food to the Food Bank (yes, they collect food all year round, not just Thanksgiving and Christmas!). So tell your friends and family and every other online buddy and get them to leave me a comment sometime between now and February 10th.

P.S. You are not required to perform your charity in costume, but if anybody makes the news or will send me a picture of you performing your good deed in a costume I will send you prize!

Upward and Onward

For the second half of the month at the dealership, I have not had a lot of sales. I have been kind of frustrated with it and was going to go in to work a couple of extra nights last week, but the wreck kind of got in the way of my regular life last week. I had to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Friday I just wanted to go home from my day job and go to sleep. I was not in the mood to go to work. I went in and got nothing. Ughh! I was so mad. Saturday we were so busy we could not keep up with traffic. Saturday, I got nothing. My husband, however, sold two cars on Saturday. I was so mad!!! I went home Saturday night, had a beer and ate ice cream for dinner. I was a big baby about the situation, really.

Normally, we are not too busy on Sunday so I went in with the attitude that I was going to go in and whatever happens, will happen. My husband and I even went to lunch about an hour after we got there because we just didn't want to be there. Shortly after we got back from lunch I sold a car. Whoo hoo! I took another couple of customers after that and sold another car. Whoo hoo x two!

I am back on the upward swing with my sales, it seems. On the other hand, still no workouts to really speak of. We tried out a new place to eat and it was so delicious we ate there twice over the weekend. We also ate out a couple of times in addition to this new place. As I mentioned earlier, I had beer and ice cream for one meal. Plainly, I am doing great with looking descent in Vegas in a few weeks. HA HA HA HA!

I know this has nothing to do with anything else I have written here, but let me just say that I love waking up next to my husband in the mornings. During the week when I have to get up early, I miss not being there to wake up with him. OK - enough mushy stuff. Have a good day!

So Many Thoughts...Not Near Enough Chocolate

I am living off of Ibuprofen and chocolate these days. Bad food, couch surfing and stress have been the only things on my menu this week. This was supposed to be my week to re-boot and start over. Unfortunately, instead of restarting my new lifestyle, I have restarted my original lifestyle that I followed for the first 25 years or so of my life.

I have had some bad stuff happen over the course of this week and I am stressing completely. I wonder if I were following my healthy lifestyle would I be handling these situations and conversations better. I acknowledge that running/exercising and eating healthy keeps me in better mental health as well as well as physical health. With the way things are right now I am back to wondering if my thoughts and viewpoints are those of a 'normal' person. Am I seeing things the way anybody else would? I am back to the point of questioning every move I make or every decision in front of me.

The good news is that I have not slipped back into a depression. Whoo hoo! I hope that is just a memory in my life now and not something I will ever go back to. I have also not had a drop of alcohol over all of this. I am not naive though, today is Friday and before the weekend is out I will probably have a beer or something. It will not be in direct response to me having a bad day or being depressed or upset. I find that to be a good step in the right direction.

Ambition or Greed?

I want to talk about aspirations and ambition. All my life I have had this need to make a lot of money and/or to be successful. If you just look at that statement it looks like I am a shallow person. If I were to have said, I am an ambitious person with aspirations to become the top producer in my field, that has a positive connotation that most people would not think twice about.

I have two jobs, not because I need money to pay my bills but because I want more money to do what I want to do. More than money, I want to be successful at anything I do. I want to be the best and I want the recognition for being the best. Furthermore, I admit that I have less respect for people that don't have dreams of being something more. I

When I read this back it sounds so snobby and condescending. I don't intend to come off that way, but I can't think of a better way to say it. This is not an issue of me not liking people who make less money. I like or dislike people based on their personality and how they treat people and things like that. I don't think I am better than someone who makes less money. I just think that people should always be trying to do a little better.

I am not only talking about finances or position, although it is hard to not acknowledge that finances and position get you a little more in our society than most other things. But, maybe it is being a better cook or having the best hair style. Doesn't it say something about a person if they have the gumption to try to be the best at something? That being said, if you want the best hairstyle you might have to put more money into it, therefore, you have to work harder or budget more to reach that goal. I do not condone taking the money that was supposed to be used for the baby's formula either. The goal is to work toward having enough money to pay for both. Or, to be creative and find another way to have your hair done. I am getting off track here talking about hair!

I know someone who says she wants a bigger house or a better car. But, when it comes time to work she is the first person to take a day off or to leave early. She doesn't want to do anything more than what she has been doing for the past few years. It is an inconvenience to work late and she won't take on any extracurricular activities - probably because it would require too much effort on her part. In addition to not really being productive herself, she has a boyfriend who does not work. For years he has not worked and she puts up with it and supports him. So, not only is she not productive, but one could argue that she is counter-productive by supporting another able-bodied person.

I guess this rant is mostly an eye opener for me because I have been slacking. I need to realize that I want more, therefore I have to work to get more. Some people do not have to work as hard because life has dealt them a different hand. But with the path I have chosen I have to work hard to get what I want. I can't change anything or anybody but me. In my mind, I think the world would be a different place if everybody had some severe ambition, which I suppose is why I hold people to higher standards. I know people whose ambition has diminished since I have known them. I do not deny that I have less respect and generally want less to do with those few people as a result. I don't like people to be content with barely getting by.

I would like to reiterate the fact that I don't like people less or think I am better than anybody who has less or is going through a rough time. I have a problem with people who lay down and take what they were handed as if it is their only option. As long as you are scratching and clawing to get better, you and I are just fine.

This is probably the worst thing I have ever written. Not only the subject matter, but the scatter brained thoughts that don't necessarily go together. Let me know if your opinion of me changes after reading this.

Something to look forward to

I never thought I would be this person - but I guess over the past year I realized that I am a long way from the person I used to be. Therefore, I guess I am not surprised. I have become someone who almost always obsesses over weight. I really look at my body and definition a lot more than I look at the scale so maybe I don't obsess over weight, but over looks (which is worse, really). Nonetheless, I am still one of those annoying people who is always counting calories and whining about how I didn't workout or how I didn't have the willpower not to eat this or that.

I hate that I am that person. The funny thing is that the success and results that I had is what drives me to be the annoying person! Now I know that if I work at it I can have the body I want. (I had a very nice body for a couple of weeks. Yea, short lived.) Therefore, I am on a never ending cycle to get it back. I know I can do it, but I have no willpower therefore I am defeated. I think about it all the time. Everyday. Every hour. When is my next meal? Why did I eat what I ate last? Did I run? Am I going to run? Why didn't run longer? Question after question! Aye!

Over the summer it was easy to work out and run because I like the warm weather, the days are longer and there were races to sign up for about every month. I had something to look forward to. Well, now I have something else to look forward to so maybe I can get back on track.

C wants to either go to Las Vegas or Mardi Gras in February. There are 2 weeks left in January so I am going to go full steam ahead. He gets in the way of me eating but he does not get in the way of me working out. That's all me. I use him as an excuse sometimes, but I know better.

It never fails. When a holiday or party or vacation comes up I always come up short with my looks. Not this time. I will have my (almost) ripped ab(s) and toned arms back. This is especially important if we go to Vegas. It is warm out there and I might end up in a bathing suit. I am not self conscious because I will never see any of those people again, but it makes me feel good to look good so I want to try really hard!

I know you will be glad when I do find something to motivate me! I will not whine near as much then!

Some Things That I Like

Yoga Running Watching College Basketball Working Sleeping My Dogs My House Pepperoni Pizza Chocolate Doublemint Gum Reading My Car Summer Time THE Beach Paintball Taking Pictures Sweaters Friends Thanksgiving Family The Color Blue Sunny Days Asparagus Shoes



These are just a few things that I thought of. I think I am going to add a lot more to this and frame it and hang it up in my living room or something. I have seen similar things in the store, but it is kind of therapeutic to do it yourself. This is ME specific and I like that. I don't mean that in a self centered way. I mean that it is not mass produced with a bunch of words put together; instead it actually reflects me.

What am I Getting Myself Into?

I have a friend who is having a hard time. The guy she was dating did not turn out to be "The One." In my opinion (and hers too, I think), it is for the best that this one didn't work out. When he showed his true colors they were not pretty like rainbows.

I think it is wearing on her that she is getting to closer to 30 and she is not in a long term relationship. Even though I have not been in that situation, I can understand her frustration. This is honestly a great girl; she is one of the hottest people I know, and she is pretty self-sufficient. She doesn't need someone to take care of her or anything. I don't have a male perspective on it but I can't pinpoint anything about her that might not be desirable in a relationship. It seems to be playing on her self esteem that she has dated a handful of guys that turn out to be real jerks.

On top of the relationship stuff she texted me and said she is having trouble keeping track of her money. She makes good money, no doubt, but some people are better at budgeting than others.

I am telling this story, not to put my friend on front street, but because I can hear her desperation and I know that she is really down. She told me that she has never felt this way before.

This sounds all too familiar to me. Not too long ago I felt that everything was going wrong and that I could not do anything about it. More so than that, I felt like nobody cared. I felt abandoned by my friends and even my husband and family. I do not want her to feel that way. Everyone is entitled to have times where they feel down in the dumps, but the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel like you are all alone is horrible.

I can remember on several days thinking that if someone would have just called to say hi or sent me a text then maybe I could get out of the mindset I was in at the time. I wanted someone to pity me, I guess is what you might call it. Just for 5 minutes. I wanted someone to acknowledge that I was going through a bad time and tell me that it was OK.

I had people try to cheer me up, but they never asked why I was sad in the first place. I think I fell so hard because I didn't think anyone cared. I also think that's why my drinking got so bad.

I want her to know that I am there for her. I know from experience from trying to help a different friend through a divorce that I, evidently, don't give good advice so I want to be there just to listen when she needs it. I want her to know that I can empathize with her for feeling this way but I also acknowledge that it is not easy to go through the things she is going through. That there are no small problems. I think it would also be good for me to encourage her and point out that I know she is stronger than she thinks and this is going to be no big deal for her to get over.

Hopefully, I can help her through her bad time without loosing her as a friend like I did the last time. I hope that I have learned my lesson. I don't know if it is a good idea to go down this road again, but I am going to talk to her and let her know I am here if she needs me.

KEEP/TOSS/DONATE

Something that I have been working on for a while is getting organized. The problem with an unorganized person trying to get organized is that I don't know where to start. I have watched this show called neat on FitTv before and there are always great tips on there, but it is more of a show for people who keep too much junk and basically need to clean up.

On this show there is a lady that goes to people's houses with 3 big bins labeled KEEP/TOSS/DONATE. You can figure out the next part, right? After that, the homeowner gladly hands over the keys to their cleaned out junk rooms and she goes and buys the most awesome storage cabinets and desks and other really cool organizational tools and furniture. She finds things that seem to perfectly match whatever pile of junk the homeowner needs to keep. Lastly, she arranges everything to where each space is used to its full potential and everything looks so good.

A lot of the people on the show have problems throwing things away, which is what usually leads to the clutter. I don't really have that problem. I will throw away or donate almost anything! Clear it out! But I don't know what to do with what is left over. I have massive closets that are piled with junk from the floors through all the shelves to the ceilings. Drawers that are overflowing. Don't even get me started about all the pens, pencils, markers and paper laying around.

Besides the closets and drawers, which I think most people probably have problems with, there is my kitchen. We used to have a big island with cabinet space beneath that I kept all those small kitchen appliances in. We took the island bar out and now all the handy dandy appliances are sitting in my formal dining room - which is a waste of space. If the fish were not in the dining room, I would never walk in there!

Anyway. With all this being explained as if you care, I am on a kick to try to get organized. I don't think this is really a new year's resolution because I am not on a balls out mission for this. I have plenty of other balls out missions that I have. I can't chase this one too! But, when I am out at the store and see something that might work I will try it and see. On my next weekend off I will try to clean out one of those closets or something.

Maybe getting organized is one more step toward clearing more junk from in my head!

I can see Clearly Now...

I had a conversation yesterday with a close male friend about my worries with my husband. It made me realize that even though I have caught my husband lying on a couple of occasions about things that I don't really think he has cheated on me or anything. I don't feel any better about him lying and I still wonder why he would lie, but I think now is the time to let it go. I realize that this has been an issue of my feelings being hurt because I thought he would never lie to me, not an issue of mistrust.

I realized the my husband is human just like anybody else and he probably never meant to hurt my feelings. I don't think he was trying to hide anything in either instance. Really, I never did think he was trying to hide anything. It was odd to hear my friend say these things out loud. That's when I realized that these things were never real; they were only in my head and I was looking at them from some foreign point of view.

If someone were to ask me if I thought he was cheating on me I would definitely say No, but in my head I would keep thinking 'something is going on.' When my friend put a label on it and actually said the word 'cheating', for some reason, I knew the difference.

I know this sounds so psycho! Maybe my mental stability really is getting better and I am able to see situations a little more clearly now or maybe talking out loud really helped. In either case, I think I am ready to move on. Maybe I can get back to being a little more confident again too and back off on the anger some. I don't know if that is what has me down or what, but I am willing to go with it and see what happens.

Review of the Shred

After the porn store episode, I went home and actually wheezed along to my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. Really, there was not really wheezing. I started the Level 1 section.

She goes through a warm up which is funny to me because it is arm circles, which she calls windmills. Basically, you stand there and flail your arms back and forth and then front to back as if you are a plane. It looks really stupid and it doesn't really stretch you out of open you up. I think it was her attempt to have a different approach to a warm up or stretch. To be honest, I felt like I was in 6th grade gym class.

After the warm up, the video is set up in a circuit training type format. She alternates cardio with strength training, starting with, I think it was, 2 minutes of cardio. The first cardio interval was jumping jacks. Throughout Level 1 we also did butt kicks (running in place, kicking your heels up so far you kick yourself in the butt), boxing, and some other things. It did get my heart rate up. I felt like it was my real warm up. It was not too taxing though. It was not supposed to be though. This is Level 1!

After that, we went down to the floor for some push ups. I have always had trouble with push ups (big surprise! I am a girl). In the height of my working out a couple of months ago I was able to do 8, but that fades quickly.... so I did the sissy push ups so that I could keep up with the pace they were going at. Next, we did some lunges with hand weights and some rows and a lot of different types of lunges. A lot of work with hand weights and some work with both. One move kind of got to me. You hold the hand weights at a 90 degree angle and squat down. Then push up out of the squat as you push your arms with the weights up toward the sky. So many reps did get me.

Anyway, we did 3 or 4 intervals of cardio and strength. It was pretty good. Especially since I have not done any work outs for a couple of weeks. I did go on the Level 2 but I only got through the first cardio/strength interval before my phone started ringing off the hook and interrupting me.

Level 1 was pretty good, but could have been a little better. In some places I wanted to go faster than them and others I was a little slower. Level 2 looked very promising. After her fake warm up it looks like she works you a little more. I can't wait until I can go all the way through. I think doing Level 1 and Level 2 together will be good for me.

She did a lot of hamstring work and upper arm work, which I have been slacking on. If I would have gotten this DVD a couple of months ago this would not have been anything. However, I did enjoy it and my body really needed it. My upper arms are a little sore today.

All in all, it seems to be a good DVD. Maybe not worth all the hype, but good.

To the Porn Store

Yesterday afternoon it was pouring down rain and it was a little colder than it has been lately. I left work and sped home to, basically, do nothing. There is no need to go to work when you are not scheduled and it is raining so hard you can't see the cars 12ft in front of you.

I finished the laundry and cleaned up the kitchen some. I could not think of anything else to do so I decided that I wanted the new Playboy magazine because Audrina Patridge is supposed to be in it. So I went to the porn store.

I wish I knew where some foreign owned gas station is that has these inappropriate magazines on their shelves so that I don't have to go to the porn store by myself. It is awkward to go to the porn store by yourself if you are a girl because everyone else in there is a couple, a threesome, or a single weirdo guy. Nonetheless, for some reason I was bored and I was avoiding doing the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD, which I had put in the DVD player right before going to the porn store.

I walk in and a cat runs by me brushing my ankles as it goes by. What?! One of my pet peeves is to not have animals in retail stores or restaurants! Mechanic shops and small offices where customers don't go in and out and places like that don't bother me, but for the most part, don't bring your pet to work!

After that, I pass the stripper shoes (I really want some of those overpriced shoes!) and the dildos and head for the magazine section and unfortunately, they don't have the issue of Playboy that I was looking for. Sad. Because I went all the way out there you would think that I would have picked up the issue they did have. I did not. There was a threesome (I don't really know their affiliation with each other but there were 2 girls and 1 guy) standing right in front of the magazine rack talking about something very redneckish that I don't even remember right now but it freaked me out to get too close to these people for some reason.

I go through the jokes/card section and end up in the cheap lingerie section. I took a look around at some of the stuff. Some of it would have been really cute if I had boobs! I realize that society doesn't really care if you are skinny as long as you have big boobs! It reminds me that my boob fund is still pretty much non-existant. I want boobs so bad!!!!

Defeated, I tell the cat goodbye and head home. There is different porn stre that I pass by everyday on my way home. I think I am going to stop there this afternoon to look for my magazine. They don't have a lingerie section!

Ready to Shred

Throughout my weight loss/fitness journey I have tried not to put a lot of money into the process because I didn't know how long I would stick with it. Besides that, there is not too awful much expense in running, which is what I seem to see the most progress with. I do not have a gym membership. Instead I have 2 sets of hand weights, a jump rope, a stability ball, and my trusty running shoes.

I do watch a couple of different shows on FitTV and I really like doing that, but the downfall is that at the end of the 30 minute or 1 hour show I am just getting started rather than ready to cool down like they are. I have a hard time following along with these shows on a regular basis because of my schedule and because I don't want C to be watching me while I sweat it out. This is not a bad way to get going though since it always changes and a lot of the shows work out a different body area everyday. It keeps your body guessing from day to day to do belly dancing one day and then circuit training the next day.

I have always liked the show The Biggest Loser, but I am not a fanatic and, truth be told, I used to watch it snacking on a bag of chips or a piece of chocolate cake. Jillian Michaels is my least favorite trainer on the show, however, I have heard that her Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD is the most awesome thing in the history of workout DVDs. So, I asked for it for Christmas and one of my co-workers got it for me. I must say that even though I am not a Jillian fan, this was what I wanted most for Christmas.

Through the Christmas & New Year's season I did not have time to try it. take the time. Besides, C was home with me a lot through the holiday and the timing just was not right.>

Tonight, I had intended to go to work, but it would be useless with the weather being wet and cold like it is so, instead, I am going to get off my butt and take on this DVD. I look forward to giving you a review of it tomorrow. I am really curious as to how this will go since I have not done a lick of work in this wonderful new year. What better way to start than a brand new DVD?

Too Lazy to Give this One a Title

A new year and I am already behind. I have not started the inspiring picture blog yet. Hell, maybe I am not that inspired! Maybe there does not need to be a blog. No, I can't let myself off that easy. I am going to push myself to do this for the inspiration (which is lacking) and many other reasons. So, look for that to come, I guess.

Lately, I have been very unmotivated. I have not ran or worked out at all. I thought the break would be what I needed to get going again. I thought all the talk of new Year's resolutions would kick start me again, but so far it hasn't. I have lost all the progress I had made with my running and I can't even run a mile anymore. I knew that would happen. What kept me motivated in the first place was knowing that I didn't want to start over. Now look where I am.

I am not sleeping at night again. The past 3 nights I have had to leave my warm comfortable bed and go sleep on the couch so I could watch TV and not wake up my husband. Just like before, I can't shut my brain off at night. I think of everything going on during the day, I sing songs in my head, I remember things from the past, just anything. My brain does not have a neutral gear for sleeping time.

I am tired during the day, which has to be a side effect of the not sleeping thing (yes, look how smart I am to figure that out!). The past few days, when my alarm goes off I re set it for a later time. When I get home all I want to do is sleep. I wanted to call in to work today because I didn't think my eyes were going to open! How childish is that?

We are dog sitting for a friend of mine that is going to New Orleans for a few days. She is going to drop the dog off this afternoon. I was planning on going walking/running (since that is what I am reduced to now) but as the day goes by taking a nap seems to be a better plan. Maybe I will sneak into a yoga class today to see if that jump starts me.

If I don't get things back together soon I am going to be the big blob that I once was. People will go back to not noticing me and I will go back to not having anything to talk about. Whoo hoo! I guess I have something to look forward to now!