ME: Hello
HER: Hey, what are you
doing?
ME: Nothing. I
just left your house from seeing
Mom and
Dad. (She stayed in her bedroom the whole time
I was there. I don't know if she knew I was there visiting my parents and
nieces
or not.)
HER: Yea. Do you have to work today?
ME: Yep. I work every
Sunday
HER: Well, I
might call you
back later then.
ME: OK. Talk to you later
After all that time it was like nothing happened although the conversation was pretty slim. By the way, I was very uncomfortable being at her house thinking she didn't want me there. When I left and we had this phone conversation I remember getting off the phone and thinking that if she really cared she would have apologized or acknowledged the situation or something. I should have wrote out a quick blog with my specific feelings, but I didn't.
I also had soft feelings for the friend that I had problems with about a year ago. The best friend who got a divorce and started ignoring me and being very self destructing, blah, blah, blah... Well, I had my brother-in-law, whom she is still friends with, tell me that she is having a hard time and that she isn't participating near as much in those self destructing activities. That same night she ended up texting me. I talked to her, on and off through texting, for a couple of days. I really said to myself that I am going to let go of all my hatred and hurt feelings and try to be friends with her again. Man, how I wish we could be friends again!
Lastly, I expressed feelings, out loud, to a friend about some religious things that have been stirring on the inside. I won't go into specifics (who wants to hear that!?) but I am having second thoughts about the augmentation surgery based on how I was raised. Which I sort of blogged about in my last entry, but my conversation with this friend was much more in depth about both subjects.
Now that this week is almost over I have flipped on all three of these situations. I have decided that I need to just deal with the fact that my sister will not outwardly apologize. Her call alone was her saying that she is over it and wants to move on. The problem is that I can't think of a reason to call her (for no reason) and reciprocate. I happen to know that she is being audited by the IRS and her landlord is kicking her out (I don't know if this is generated by actions of my sister or the landlord), which might be the reason for her finally calling me, but I don't care if it is or not. I have a sister and two nieces that I will always be there to help even though her reaction to my help is never going to be what I expect. It doesn't matter.
This friend whom I have a soft spot for has let me know that she is not the person I knew for 8 years before her divorce. Maybe she was that person at that time or maybe she has always been this person. If the latter is true then maybe she was living a life that was not her and she was truly unhappy. That would make sense because the drastic 180 was so fast. Maybe she kept that life up for so long and finally broke. Either way, at this point, the person she is now is not someone I want to be close to. I really, really want the person I was so close with back. But, unlike my sister, I am not willing to compromise. I know that the person I knew was so much better than the person I know now. I don't see that she has the right to take the easy way out of life. I know she is better. She let me know for 8 years that she is better.
As far as the religion and body-altering surgery goes, this is something I will struggle with for a long time. I know that I was raised in the church and that things I do don't reflect how I was raised. Just like my friend, I was once a better person. But, I can't stop associating with myself. Maybe I can't be friends with her because it subconsciously reminds me that I should be a better person too. Again, I could talk in circles about this for hours.
My point in this is that my opinions and feelings changed severely within a few days' time. Is it normal for me to have put this much thought into these things? Would another person have received the call from a sister and moved on not giving it a second thought? Is it psycho of me to miss this friend this much? Is this internal fight really warranted? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I am not passionate enough in my writing to really express what I really want to where these subjects are concerned. But should I even have the desire to express these things?
As you can tell I am having a mental health week! Hopefully it will pass and I can move on. For now, just wrinkle your nose at me and keep going!
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