Too Little Time, But Looking Good!

We are finally getting to the end of the project of tiling the kitchen floor and re modeling the bathroom. I am so excited that I might get to take a bath in MY bathroom tonight! Everything looks really good though. I am happy with how it is turning out. We need a kitchen table to put in there now. We had a bar top thingy but we are going to go with a table like normal people now. So, I am checking Craigslist everyday for cheap tables. I gotta say, people are proud of their stuff! It seems that people increase the prices just because they were the owner of the item therefore, it must be special! I can't think of any other reason why someone would ask for $600 for a 1980's pressboard table they got from Big Lots! But, I guess people are paying it so why not ask for it? I guess I would if I thought someone would buy it!

The bathroom seems like it is going to look phoenominal. This was actually a project that I have wanted to do for a while. The leak in the bathroom sink just helped it along. The water damaged the cabinet and we probably could have saved it, we decided to go ahead with the whole mess because we already had to redo the kitchen floor.

Yesterday for dinner I made tuna cakes. Kind of like salmon patties or something but with tuna. I made a healthier version too because I used mustard as a binder instead of egg & mayo and I fried them in a pan with Pam cooking spray instead of 2 inches of oil! I was proud of myself because Chuck said the loved them! It doesn't usually work out that I make something new that he likes. I was surprised when he asked me if I remembered how I made them so that I can make them again.

Then, when we got in to bed he told me that I was lookin' good! I was shocked! It really made me feel good. It made me feel like I am accomplishing something! Like I have said in earlier posts, I want him to be glad that I am his wife... So, hopefully, he likes my emotionally as much as he does physically right now! That helped me to sleep soundly and have nice dreams!

I was able to get strength training done yesterday, but I did not get to go jogging last night because I had to go to the tile guy's house and pay him then go to a friend's house and pick up a couple of tools we need to borrow. Because it was 9:30 when I got home and we had people over to help finish up some things. After my long jog/walk on Tuesday I was kind of looking forward to seeing how I was going to do yesterday, but it just didn't work out that way. Oh well, if it were easy to get all this coordinated then everybody would do it. Today is another day and I will get out there tonight!

Becoming a wife

I have so many emotions right now for some reason. And, I don't mean this very moment, I mean in general, at this time in my life, or something. I am excited about my 5K that is coming up, I am excited about my weight loss and the feeling of accomplishment is gives me. At the same time, I feel kind of down about some other things. I feel like my relationship with my husband has changed so much. I don't think it is because I have changed. I know that I have changed, but I feel that my changes were in response to him and my closest best friend changed and I felt like they abandoned me at the same time. Those were the 2 people that I spend all my time with and I didn't have anything (I felt). When I was at home by myself, I started exercising and keeping my attention on doing this or that so that I didn't have to acknowledge some things. This is also the reason that I decided to get a 2nd job. (now everybody should understand why I say I didn't get the job for the money). And out of that came me training to run a 5K in September! I am worried that my husband will leave me because I am different now. I am scared that he won't think that we have anything in common anymore. I want to keep doing this though. I want to look good for him as well as myself. I want him to be proud that I am his wife. I don't want to revert to my old ways because I like the changes in my body and I think it helps me emotionally to stay busy. But, I want to make sure that I keep my husband!! I love him the same, if not more, than I ever have. I hate it because he actually gets frustrated with me now. If I am upset, I know that he can not help me. I know that because of the responses I have received from him after asking him for help. So, when I get upset now I try to handle it on my own and not involve him. But, he gets mad at me. We have never done this before. This is the first time in my life when I think that he goes back to his friends and talks about me like I am the "ball & chain" or something. I have always been his friend first and wife second and I am scared that the balance is shifting. I don't like that. Wives get a lot less respect than friends do. Maybe that is just with the people that I know, but I don't know any guy who might be an exception to this rule. This sucks. I don't know what else to say about it.

Putt-Putt Wreckage

Yesterday was a long day, so this might be a long post... I got up and made it to work I worked hard all day and it was kind of a long day. Then, I had to rush to the post office after work and pick up a certified letter that I missed the delivery on. I am not sure how I missed to the postman & this delivery because I was at home when it was supposedly delivered! In any case, It took forever to get the dang letter! Well, maybe it didn't take forever, but because I was in a hurry it sure seemed like it did. After that, I had to rush home so that I could meet the guy who is laying my tile and pick out a grout color. I always thought he would just pick out a color and I wouldn't really have to think about it! I mean, I can't pick out cereal at the grocery store, much less pick out the best color for grout for tile floor in the kitchen!! Well, I rushed to the post office and home before 5:00 only to find that the guy didn't show up! It is fine that he didn't show up, but I was kind of in a worked up tizzy at this point just from having to rush in the first place. On top of that, I had someone on the phone that I had told that I was in a hurry and had things to do, however, that person didn't seem to care and just kept talking about stupid stuff. Finally, the phone just cut out! Honestly, AT&T for real just dropped my call! I did not call her back so she texts me a few minutes later and says that she didn't call me back because she knew I was busy! (Well, thanks for noticing!)
I was rushing around so that I could be at work at 6:00 so I took care of the dogs and because I knew I would get home late, I had to eat some dinner so that I didn't gorge on pizza and nachos later!
A couple from work are moving to Houston and I have to admit that I am jealous! I mean, I know that if my husband were to actually agree to moving again then I would regret it and hate the whole process, but right now I have the itch! I have really been wanting to move to Dallas lately for some reason. I think I just really need a change. Maybe doing something different will help. So, a bunch of us went to Putt-Putt after work, which is one of those mini golf places that has bumper boats and go-karts and such. We all had a blast on the go-karts and we fit 12 people in a photo booth! One of those where you climb in, close the curtain, make funny faces and it takes a picture. HAHAHA I think my boobs are flatter from everybody piling in on top of me! But, all in all it was fun. It was extremely muggy and hot out there though, and the smell was awful! For some reason it smelled like varying degrees of ass! Thankfully, we didn't actually play golf so we kept moving and didn't notice the smell for the most part! It sucks to day goodbye to people though. My husband worked with them longer than I have, but still, once you build a repor with someone it sucks to see them leave.
Now, I don't usually stay out late during the week because I am such a horrible morning person. I also don't want to deal with trying to stay awake the next day at work and trying to force myself to be in a good mood and all of that stuff. But, I was willing to sacrifice it last night because it was kind of a one time thing. So, it was after midnight as we were on our way home and to be honest I was exhausted! I know, that I am not really old enough to be exhausted from being out until midnight, but I am still trying to adjust to some things and, like I said, I don't do this during the week.
We were almost to our street when one of our friends calls. Who the frick is calling after midnight?? On a weekday, no less! Well, the friend and his dad were in a wreck and they needed our help. It was not a terribly bad wreck but it still jolts you to be in a wreck. Everybody was OK, thankfully, but their new insurance card was at their house and not in their car. So, we went over to their house and go the insurance card and went back to the scene. When we got back, they were arresting the driver of the other car! Evidently, she was drunk. Our friends said that she didn't seem drunk when they talked to her, but she was evidently under the influence of something because they did the "touch your nose" test and a couple of others and the handcuffed her and put her in the squad car! DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE PEOPLE! DON'T DRIVE INEBRIATED AT ALL!!! I don't understand why people do this. Thank God that no one was severely hurt in this wreck! Please, please, please be CAREFUL!
So, yesterday was just really, really long. I am so tired today and I hope that not too much goes wrong today because I am kind of on edge and a little jumpy. But, I hope everyone has a good day!

Psycho Babble

Friday everybody got together to eat and do a photo scavenger hunt for my birthday, which was a nice surprise and I loved it! Dinner didn't really go too well but it wasn't too bad either. My husband kind of hurt my feelings when we were waiting to be seated and then I just couldn't get over it for some reason. On top of that, the place that we went to is always extremely busy and we always have to wait. So, with there being 12 of us, I fully expected to wait quite a long time. I just couldn't see going through all this trouble for my birthday, which by the way was the week before, which is why I couldn't see all the trouble. For this reason, I asked my husband if he thought it would be better if we went somewhere else. That's when he got mad and hurt my feelings.

Normally, none of this would be a big deal, but since I am not me anymore, I dealt with it differently. It is the things like this that really bother me and make me think that I should just be put out of my misery! I am usually annoyed at people who act the way I did, but my mind would not leave it alone.

These are the things that make me think that my husband is going to leave me or cheat on me or something. I am not the same person that he married. I get that. I am trying my damndest to get out of this, but nothing I have tried so far has really worked. I am going to keep trying, but in the meantime, he does act differently. He does not seem as interested in me as he used to be. So, day by day I just try to find who I used to be and I hope & pray that one day I will wake up and be that person again. I lost myself that way, can't I find myself that way?!

Anyhoo <--- don't you hate it when people use the word "anyhoo!? After dinner we did the scavenger hunt thing and I ended up on a team with my friend that I have mixed feelings about. In a previous blog, I mentioned that I am just going to be me around her and whatever happens, happens. Well, all in all it was fine. It was awkward for me for some reason. Not so bad when we were searching for the things on the list, but when we weren't "in the moment" things felt weird to me. Had I been the one to make the guest list for the night, I would not have invited her. And, to be honest I am sure she felt obligated to come. This is just so weird for me because we were so close and now I feel more awkward around her than I do a complete stranger. It is also weird because she is still friends with some of my family and friends. I can't get away from her! At this point, I would like to cut the losses and walk away from her because things will never be right, but I can't do that because so many people I know are friends with her. I don't like that we are basically pretending to be friends. I have gone back & forth on whether or not to be friends with her. To be honest, my uncertainty with her is one of the things that makes me think I am going crazy.

I know that none of this blabbering makes no sense and is not interesting to anyone but me but it helps me to get some things out. Eventually, I will be able to write about more specific things with my husband. Until then, please enjoy my idiocies!

Running...From so many things!

I have been slacking on blogging for the last couple of weeks, but honestly I am not sure if anyone would want to read what I have to say. I have been going through a lot of emotions and lately, I don't know what is what. I kind of told my husband something that I have wanted to say out loud for a long time and I did not get the response I wanted or that I feel I need from him. So, I am trying to come to terms that I am going to have to deal with some things on my own. This scares the crap out of me though because now based on his responses I don't think he can handle being with me. I can not begin to put into words how this makes me feel or all the things I want to express! Let's just say that last weekend goes in the books as one of the worst weekends of my life and I will probably never forget it (and not in a good way!)

On another note, I have decided to jog in the St. Jude 5K! I know that in 6 weeks I will not be to the point of running the entire thing, But, I am going to go as far as I can, then walk for a minute, then run a little more. I have enlisted a friend to train for this with me so that I will actually follow through with it. I have a habit of quitting something if the results do seem to be what I had in mind. If someone else does this with me then I will hopefully feel accountable. I am kind of scared but so excited at the same time!

Lastly, I got a new digital camera a couple of weeks ago! Whoo hoo! So, maybe I can start adding some color to this blog. Tonight, I think we are supposed to do a scavenger hunt so maybe tomorrow I will have some pics.

HATS

Hats are funny to me. Some serve a purpose and some don't. Most of the time, people don't wear the purposful hats for the purpose they were intended for, which I am guessing is to keep sun out of your eyes and keep your head warm in the winter, that kind of thing. I mean, just look at the Kentucky derby. Most women don't know that there are actually horses racing at the Derby. They just know that that's when you find the most obnoxious large hat you can find and walk around with a fruity drink! Some ladies think that Sunday morning church service isn't the same unless they are wearing their leopard print hat or that bonnett type hat. And, don't get me started on all different ways and purposes to wear a baseball hat!

I have never really been a wearer of hats, but yesterday, I went out to jog a little earlier in the day than ususal and the sun had not gone down as far as I would have liked. I grabbed a baseball hat so hat I could keep the sun out of my eyes (rather than wearing sunglasses, which can be a pain when you are sweaty ~ewww!~).

So, I am running along jammin to the music on my not-IPOD. I round the corner and come out next to the lake by my house and a nice little breeze comes off the lake. I run by here all the time and I think it is nice because of the trees that line the lake and the breeze, etc. the next thing I remember I am mid fall speeding toward the sandy ground!

What the *$#@! How did this happen? My hands are scratched from where I put them out to break my fall. My knees, shoulder, thigh and leg are all skinned with "road rash." I also twisted my ankle a bit. Nothing is hurt too bad, except my ego. That I could tell, no one saw me ~whew!~ but it still embarrased me.

I guess that not being accustomed to wearing a hat and then wearing a hat while jogging messed me up. I didn't have good peripheral vision and I wasn't paying attention. But, to make a long story short, I will not jog until the sun goes down far enough for me to not need a hat or sunglasses!

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes!

Ahh, the beauty of home ownership. Over this past weekend we noticed that out bathroom sink was leaking. A LOT! We tried to fix it but whatever my brother-in-law did didn't work. Well, the bathroom sink is connected to the kitchen sink and we noticed that the kitchen sink was leaking too. The water from the sink soaked through to our pergo floors. Sooo, to make a long story short, we are replacing the floors in our kitchen, which have only been there for about a year! Ughhh! All the home repairs and remodeling that have been done so far, we have actually done the work for. This time, somebody else is going to do it! Neither one of us have the time to do it and we have a bad habit of starting something and not finishing it. Tonight, I will have a tile guy over to the house to start. Supposedly, this is going to take about 3 days. The good part is, that because the cabinet in the bathroom is so water logged, we are going to go ahead and re-do the bathroom also. I have actually wanted to re-do the bathroom for a while now, although I didn't want to go through this to get it done, I am excited that we are going to do it. I will post some pictures as the process goes along.

Just a side note, I have debated for a while now on whether or not to continue to talk/be friends with my "best friend." There are things that are just different and I don't know that anything will ever be the same, but I think I have made the decision to make an honest effort. The truth is that I miss her. This whole thing has felt like a break up from a boy friend. I am tired of going back and forth; talking to her sometimes and not others or making it a point to not call, text or email her unless she contacts me first and all those other things that couples do! But, all of that is over. I am just going to be me and we will see where everything goes. We have such a history that surely, I/we can get over this. Wish us luck!

Christmas in July?

Picture It: Christmas night 2007 at Aunt Joy's opening presents. My brother-in-law hands me a box about a foot and a half long and about the width of my hand. Wow, I love presents! Chris is very good at wrapping, too, especially for a guy. It is metallic snowman paper with a pretty blue fabric ribbon. He knows that snowmen were my theme this year for Christmas. How sweet!

But, who are we kidding? I don't actually care about the wrapping paper and bow! I tear it open and look into the box... guess what it is. Can't guess? Well, I will tell ya. It is a bottle of my favorite brand of vodka! Now, I know that people give fine wines or aged burbon for presents, but people don't give $5 bottles of vodka! Everyone looks at me and says, "How nice! That's the perfect gift for you!" or " I bet you can't wait to get into that! Would you like a glass?"

OK, shouldn't someone be concerned that I drink enough for someone to think that the perfect Christmas gift for me is a bottle of cheap liquor!? These people have seen me stumble around my living room and fall down. They have heard me slur my speech and ramble incoherantly. There have been times when I tried to hide that I took a few sips or added it to my tea before putting up with my mother in law, but everybody knew that I did it. I know that they talk behind my back about my drinking. There have been very bad times! So, this is still the perfect gift for me?

The truth is that it was the perfect gift. That's what I got the most use out of. It is what I mentioned when people asked me what I got for Christmas. When we were too tired and full from food to unload all the Christmas stuff from the car that night, I grabbed that bottle and brought it in the house - my excuse being, "I can carry this in one hand. It doesn't take that much energy to go ahead and take it in the house!" The truth is that at the time, I didn't wonder if anyone should have been concerned. I thought it was the perfect gift too! In fact, I was glad they thought that so that I didn't have to feel like I should be ashamed or like I had to hide anything.

It has obviously been a few months since Christmas, but I am finally realizing that I need to stop drinking. Christmas is just one story that I look back on and think that alcohol had too much influence. I can't remember anything else that I got that Christmas. That's bad.

There are several true alcoholics in my family. My dad has been sober for about 15 years though. He just quit one day after he and my mom got into a fight. That was the only time I saw them throw things at each other! But that was the last straw for him, I guess.

I know that I can't just quit "cold turkey" like he did. Therefore, I am just drinking beer for the time being. I know that's not how AA would tell you to do it, but I am going to see if it works for me. I have never been a beer drinker. I hate the way it tastes, smells, and makes you feel full. Since I was 11 years old I have preferred hard liquor.

Lately, I have been content to have a couple of beers when people around me drink socially. That way I feel like I can still have fun. I don't think that I even get a buzz from it, but psychologically I think I am doing something! Now you all know how simple minded I am!

So, for now, this is what's going on with me. The weekends are the worst because that's when I drink the most. But, maybe if I do this for myself now, then I will get something besides liquor for Christmas this year! So, in short, this is my Christmas in July.