Reunited or Not?

I really wish I could learn to blog when I am in certain situations. That way I could really see my emotions and how fast they change. For instance, last weekend my sister called me out of the blue. I have not spoken to her in over a year (Well, at best right at a year. I can't remember the exact date but it was this time of year). The conversation was odd:

ME: Hello
HER: Hey, what are you
doing?
ME: Nothing. I
just left your house from seeing
Mom and
Dad. (She stayed in her bedroom the whole time
I was there. I don't know if she knew I was there visiting my parents and
nieces
or not.)
HER: Yea. Do you have to work today?
ME: Yep. I work every
Sunday
HER: Well, I
might call you
back later then.
ME: OK. Talk to you later

After all that time it was like nothing happened although the conversation was pretty slim. By the way, I was very uncomfortable being at her house thinking she didn't want me there. When I left and we had this phone conversation I remember getting off the phone and thinking that if she really cared she would have apologized or acknowledged the situation or something. I should have wrote out a quick blog with my specific feelings, but I didn't.

I also had soft feelings for the friend that I had problems with about a year ago. The best friend who got a divorce and started ignoring me and being very self destructing, blah, blah, blah... Well, I had my brother-in-law, whom she is still friends with, tell me that she is having a hard time and that she isn't participating near as much in those self destructing activities. That same night she ended up texting me. I talked to her, on and off through texting, for a couple of days. I really said to myself that I am going to let go of all my hatred and hurt feelings and try to be friends with her again. Man, how I wish we could be friends again!

Lastly, I expressed feelings, out loud, to a friend about some religious things that have been stirring on the inside. I won't go into specifics (who wants to hear that!?) but I am having second thoughts about the augmentation surgery based on how I was raised. Which I sort of blogged about in my last entry, but my conversation with this friend was much more in depth about both subjects.

Now that this week is almost over I have flipped on all three of these situations. I have decided that I need to just deal with the fact that my sister will not outwardly apologize. Her call alone was her saying that she is over it and wants to move on. The problem is that I can't think of a reason to call her (for no reason) and reciprocate. I happen to know that she is being audited by the IRS and her landlord is kicking her out (I don't know if this is generated by actions of my sister or the landlord), which might be the reason for her finally calling me, but I don't care if it is or not. I have a sister and two nieces that I will always be there to help even though her reaction to my help is never going to be what I expect. It doesn't matter.

This friend whom I have a soft spot for has let me know that she is not the person I knew for 8 years before her divorce. Maybe she was that person at that time or maybe she has always been this person. If the latter is true then maybe she was living a life that was not her and she was truly unhappy. That would make sense because the drastic 180 was so fast. Maybe she kept that life up for so long and finally broke. Either way, at this point, the person she is now is not someone I want to be close to. I really, really want the person I was so close with back. But, unlike my sister, I am not willing to compromise. I know that the person I knew was so much better than the person I know now. I don't see that she has the right to take the easy way out of life. I know she is better. She let me know for 8 years that she is better.

As far as the religion and body-altering surgery goes, this is something I will struggle with for a long time. I know that I was raised in the church and that things I do don't reflect how I was raised. Just like my friend, I was once a better person. But, I can't stop associating with myself. Maybe I can't be friends with her because it subconsciously reminds me that I should be a better person too. Again, I could talk in circles about this for hours.

My point in this is that my opinions and feelings changed severely within a few days' time. Is it normal for me to have put this much thought into these things? Would another person have received the call from a sister and moved on not giving it a second thought? Is it psycho of me to miss this friend this much? Is this internal fight really warranted? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I am not passionate enough in my writing to really express what I really want to where these subjects are concerned. But should I even have the desire to express these things?

As you can tell I am having a mental health week! Hopefully it will pass and I can move on. For now, just wrinkle your nose at me and keep going!

How Much Sould Their Opinion Matter??

I had a great day yesterday. Nothing in particular happened, but everything fell into place and it was a good day. I have run everyday this week except yesterday because I had to work yesterday. I had a couple come in at 10 minutes til closing and ended up selling a car at 10:30 last night. Being that yesterday was the last day of the pay period I didn't mind being there a little late to make the sale. nice way to end the pay period. Today is the first day of the new pay period - obviously - so I need to get to work! This week I dedicated my extra time to running so next week I will dedicate my extra time to working.

I talked briefly about going to see my parents a few days ago. Unfortunately, I don't go to see them that often even though they don't live far from me. Reciprocally, they don't make it to my neck of the woods on a regular basis either. Therefore, you can imagine me being overwhelmed by the fact that my dad has been staying at my house all this week and my mom is coming in this weekend to spend the weekend. I love my parents. I really do. And we get along great. But, I always feel the need to entertain them or make sure they have food and everything they need while they are with me and sometimes that is overwhelming. I have a pretty busy schedule for the most part so that can put a damper on me making sure they are content.

Oh, and there have been an awkward moment or two. For about 2 or 3 years now I have been contemplating having breast augmentation surgery and have finally scheduled a consultation for it next week. I am still debating on whether or not to go through with the surgery, because elective surgery is kind of scary to me. In order to help me make the final decision to go through with it or finally abandon this notion, I scheduled the consultation so I will really know my options. I am so freaking excited!! And scared. I am definitely a little apprehensive.

My parents are fairly religious. I grew up attending church 90% of the time the doors were opened. My mother still goes to church regularly. Even though she is not the recruiting type, she is still pretty tight with God. Which is a great thing, don't get me wrong. But, they believe that we should not desecrate our bodies. Our bodies are a part of God's temple. My sister got a tattoo when she was 23 or 24 years old and my parents still talk about what a mistake she made. (even though she was obviously an adult at the time.) Needless to say, part of my reservation on getting the surgery is having to hear their opinions about it because I know they will be negative.

Dad and I were watching an episode of CSI and the episode was about someone killing a plastic surgeon. That evidently opened the door for Dad to go into a tangent about plastic surgery and how we should be proud of the body that God gave us and how no one has realistic expectations of the results (that part I do agree with). I just nodded and kept watching without really giving a response. I don't know if that was the correct thing to do or not. That should have been my invitation to mention that I am thinking about the surgery but I am a wuss and just could not do it! I know that this is my decision and my body, etc but I am not a fan of being the cause of my parent's disappointment!

*Sigh* Life is hard! no, seriously, I know that this is not a life or death problem. I would like some opinions as to whether or not I should let this concern play a part in my decision. Maybe I should just have it done and if they notice then acknowledge it. HA HA That would be very childish, wouldn't it? Or would that be the normal thing to do? I don't generally discuss things like that with Mom and Dad anyway. I have wanted this for so long. It is possible that I will go to the consultation and chicken out all together and this won't be a discussion. But, maybe not.

So the debate continues....

The Fun Girl

I have not posted anything in a while. Partly because I don't know that I have anything to say and partly because I don't know that anyone wants to hear what I do have to say. But that's OK. I totally understand if you want to change the channel. I have several things swimming around in my head right now and I will get to those, hopefully when my mind is clear enough to translate them to paper {ahem, I mean text}.

I went to an underwriting meeting for work today. This is a meeting where people from several different agencies come together at the invitation of a common carrier to talk about the new coverages the carrier offers or new things going on in the marketplace. Believe it or not, as dry as insurance is, most of the people who work in the industry are pretty outgoing. I mean, come on, we are a bunch of sales people. Most of us drink too much and talk too loud.

And that brings me to my issue. I used to be a fun person. I used to be the person who could stand up in these meetings, all eyes on me, and make jokes or bring points to the table, etc. As I sat in this meeting today watching and listening to a lady that was rambunctious and fun it became apparent to me that I used to be that way. Past tense. I didn't even realize it was past tense until I was in the presence of someone who exemplifies who I was. Or am.

I was loud; sometimes too loud. I was rowdy; sometimes too rowdy. I always had an opinion; sometimes too strong of one. When I started going through the original depression or whatever it was, I think I became gun shy. Obviously, these are not characteristics of a depressed person so I know that some of it was lost in that. But, in my climb out of the pit over the last few months, I have not regained some of that.

One thing that kept my downward slide going was that I didn't have my best friend to talk to anymore. I felt that I had done something wrong and that whatever that something was alienated her. Listening to my loud opinions is what made her mad at me so my answer to that is to shut up.

In the last few months I realized that what happened between she and I was not really my fault. We really did just grow apart. At a time where my life was moving toward the next stages in married life and the next stages of my financial life, her marriage was ending and she was experiencing single life. We did have friends choose sides and most chose her because most of my friends are single and/or party all the time. She was my partner in crime too. Because of that some of my outgoing nature came radiated from her. It was a real ego blow to not have the yin to my yang anymore.

In trying to keep my sanity I got a second job and I started working out and running. When you have that much of your time consumed sometimes you loose sight of the things that make you, you. I want to get back to being me. Or yet, I want to be a better version of me. I will give up some of the fun personality to be sane, but I need to go back to being everybody's best friend. I will try to keep myself intact but make more of an effort to reach out to people, both at work and at home.

This is another rung that needs to be added to the ladder. Sure, it makes the ladder higher but when you get to the top you are closer to the light bulb. Just something else to think about.

Grim Subject Matter

I am going to my mom and dad's house this weekend. They live in the boonies in Mississippi. It has been a long while since I have been down there. My mom's whole side of the family lives down there so maybe I will get to see some cousins and aunts and uncles that I have not seen in a while.

One thing I do want to do while I am there is go to the cemetery and visit my Nanny (Grandma). Maybe it is the prospect of going to this town where I spent my summers with her. Maybe it is because I have food nostalgia. I really don't know what it is but I have missed her the past few days. I wish I would have spent more time with her. I am sure most of us say that about the loved ones that have passed on to greater things. I haven't been to the cemetery since her funeral and I have never visited someone at a cemetery so I am a little anxious about it. Do you take a gift? Am I required to talk out loud like they do on the movies? HA HA OK I know the answers to both of those questions. Still, I am sure I will feel a little weird standing out there talking to Nanny, but it is a must do.

Something else I am looking forward to is running out there. My mom and dad literally live in the middle of nowhere. They are within a few miles of a larger city and there are paved roads, but there aren't any other houses. It is all farm land. (I know when you think of the boonies in MS you think of the movie Deliverance but it isn't that bad! Besides that's Alabama!) So, there might be a man on a tractor or a stray dog or two, but it should be peaceful, unlimited running.

I have a lot to look forward to this weekend. I hope everyone else has a good weekend!