The Fun Girl

I have not posted anything in a while. Partly because I don't know that I have anything to say and partly because I don't know that anyone wants to hear what I do have to say. But that's OK. I totally understand if you want to change the channel. I have several things swimming around in my head right now and I will get to those, hopefully when my mind is clear enough to translate them to paper {ahem, I mean text}.

I went to an underwriting meeting for work today. This is a meeting where people from several different agencies come together at the invitation of a common carrier to talk about the new coverages the carrier offers or new things going on in the marketplace. Believe it or not, as dry as insurance is, most of the people who work in the industry are pretty outgoing. I mean, come on, we are a bunch of sales people. Most of us drink too much and talk too loud.

And that brings me to my issue. I used to be a fun person. I used to be the person who could stand up in these meetings, all eyes on me, and make jokes or bring points to the table, etc. As I sat in this meeting today watching and listening to a lady that was rambunctious and fun it became apparent to me that I used to be that way. Past tense. I didn't even realize it was past tense until I was in the presence of someone who exemplifies who I was. Or am.

I was loud; sometimes too loud. I was rowdy; sometimes too rowdy. I always had an opinion; sometimes too strong of one. When I started going through the original depression or whatever it was, I think I became gun shy. Obviously, these are not characteristics of a depressed person so I know that some of it was lost in that. But, in my climb out of the pit over the last few months, I have not regained some of that.

One thing that kept my downward slide going was that I didn't have my best friend to talk to anymore. I felt that I had done something wrong and that whatever that something was alienated her. Listening to my loud opinions is what made her mad at me so my answer to that is to shut up.

In the last few months I realized that what happened between she and I was not really my fault. We really did just grow apart. At a time where my life was moving toward the next stages in married life and the next stages of my financial life, her marriage was ending and she was experiencing single life. We did have friends choose sides and most chose her because most of my friends are single and/or party all the time. She was my partner in crime too. Because of that some of my outgoing nature came radiated from her. It was a real ego blow to not have the yin to my yang anymore.

In trying to keep my sanity I got a second job and I started working out and running. When you have that much of your time consumed sometimes you loose sight of the things that make you, you. I want to get back to being me. Or yet, I want to be a better version of me. I will give up some of the fun personality to be sane, but I need to go back to being everybody's best friend. I will try to keep myself intact but make more of an effort to reach out to people, both at work and at home.

This is another rung that needs to be added to the ladder. Sure, it makes the ladder higher but when you get to the top you are closer to the light bulb. Just something else to think about.