Silver Hyundai Sonata

This past year I have changed several things in my life. Some were things that I made efforts toward changing and some were things that were beyond my control. I have began to try more things on my own. Maybe I have even learned about who I am. To be blunt, maybe I am not the person I thought or wanted to be which might be why I have been so depressed this year.

One of the changes I made this year was wearing make-up. This is something that is usually experimented with in adolescence, but I never did. I have no idea what I am doing or if it looks how it is supposed to look. I did research and got in front of the mirror and tried different things. I looked at pictures of models and 'regular' people. Scoped out faces of people at the grocery store or the mall (From a distance, of course! I never stare either!).

Today, just for something to do while sitting in my office, I took a picture of myself. I was horrified when I looked at it. Not really because of the make-up, but just me in general, I guess. I took 3 or 4 more pictures at different angles - in front of and not in front of the window with natural light, etc. Nothing worked.

I hate my haircut. I have been trying to grow it out since I got it cut, which was about 5 or 6 months ago. My eyes are too big for my head and so is my mouth. (I guess I think I have a small head ) My skin is not pretty. I have a couple of oily spots where I break out and other spots are dry. The color of my skin is just blah. I compare myself to a silver Hyundai Sonata. It is just there. You notice that something is there, you just don't' really notice what; and you don't care to find out.

Everything about me is pretty plain. The way I dress, the things I say, the things I like. Everything. I want to change these things. I don't want to stand out, really, I just want to be noticed every now and then. Maybe that's what this year has been about.

In taking that picture I realize that I really have not made much progress toward any of the goals that I set in order to make myself feel better. I have not gone backward, but definitely not forward either. That's another quality of being the silver Hyundai Sonata - Just the same.

I guess that as of now I am deciding that I accept it and I am moving on. I have struggled a lot with this and I am just going to let it go and realize that it ain't happenin!

Thanks everybody for listening to me rant and helping me come to this conclusion!