Work...Or Not

Wow, it has been a long time. I guess spring brought along lots of things to my To-do list and I have been doing all of those things instead of blogging. It has been quite a long month and an even longer couple of weeks. My cousin passed away and because she didn't pass of natural causes that ended up being a very consuming week. That brought along a lot of thoughts, feelings and arguments from all sides of the family. It is hard to deal with the death of someone who should not have died.

I had the flu for only the second time in my life. I don't get sick a lot. In fact, I barely ever get sick besides a migraine headache. This was different. My throat felt like a shower drain stuffed with hairballs and sludge, my ears sore and it sounded like water was slushing around in them. The water noise caused a headache, of course and my body just ached, in general. Between my cousin's funeral and me being sick I ended up taking a few days off work. it makes me feel like crap when I have to miss work.

Because of some of these things going on in my life coupled with some things going on at work (both jobs), I asked to take a leave of absence from my second job. I won't bore you with the details but what actually happened was I put my notice in to quit my second job all together. I didn't want to do that. I mean, I am OK with quitting, but I like that job. That's my job. I rule that job.

I need a break. I need a break bad! I am OK with quitting because I don't really need the job, but the money is nice. More importantly than the money, I like having something to do. On the weekends, because I know I have to be at work the next day, I stay out of trouble. This job has been therapeutic for me. I feel like my husband likes me more because of that job. It is something else that we have in common that draws us together. Also, if I didn't work there and know the ins and outs of it, I never would have made it through this economy with my sanity with my husband selling cars for a living.

But working every day at one job or another gets tiresome and I need a break. I feel like a failure for quitting though. I was using the money to help build a savings account for emergencies and that account is not to the point that I hoped it would be at before I stopped working. I am comfortable with what is there, I just didn't meet the goal I wanted to meet. That bothers me.

What is done is done. Coincidentally, my last day will end up being my 1 year anniversary - to the day. I didn't even plan that.

Now I am going to start going back to yoga and really start running again. I am going to get up on Saturday mornings and clean house. I will play with the dogs more and take them for walks. I will do all the things that housewives do, except I will still have my real job. I just feel like maybe that isn't enough.

I plan to really work hard and make what money I can for the next two weeks. I will also try to get used to the idea of not working after that. Hopefully, I will get rid of this guilt of not working before I actually stop working! My hope is to pick up enough hobbies to feel justified. If this doesn't work then I will explore options to get another second job. Would that be a second, second job? That might not go over well with the husband. Ugghhh, I hate being a grown up!

Put Up Your Dukes

Over the course of my life I have known a few different ladies that feel it is OK for their significant others to throw them around or beat on them (and/or their children).

When I was growing up we lived on the bottom floor of an apartment building with paper thin walls. I was friends with the girl whose family lived in the apartment above us. I could hear the (physical) fights between her mom and step dad when her mom didn't vacuum the floor like he wanted or when the kids didn't act like perfect angels getting up for school in the morning. The mom finally left with the kids in the middle of the day one day while he was at work. About a month later, we learned that he put their three year old daughter in the hospital. We learned this because he was a police officer and when police officers put their babies in the hospital by beating on them, they put it in the newspaper. I always felt bad, but never thought it was really my business to say something.

I bring this up because there is a girl at work that is being abused by her boyfriend. Just as if she were on a Lifetime Movie of the Week, she tells us about all the things he does to her so that we all hate him, they break up and she says it is over for good and then they get back together again. Surprise! This guy has left her in the middle of nowhere to walk for six hours to make it back home. He has hit her son, and now she is in the hospital.

I have listened to these stories for over a year. Everyone has told her what she already knows and she still insists on being with this guy. Because I know that people have offered for her and her children to stay with them and offered to help her in so many ways, I can not bring myself to feel bad for this girl.

I feel bad that she is so stupid and that she is putting her kids in the line of fire with this guy. They don't have a choice. She is very open about telling everybody at work every time he lays a hand on her or verbally abuses her so I have to believe that she is either asking for attention or asking for help. Since there have been several avenues of help offered to her, I can't help but thinking she needs the attention. I guess after getting beat up, it makes you feel better for someone to dote on you. I can understand that you would feel loved like that. But there has to be an end to this. Does she not understand that if she leaves this guy then someone will love her and dote on her without having to beat her up first?

I can't understand this mentality. I know some people are scared, but of what? If he beats her up how is that different than any regular Tuesday afternoon? Some say they fear that he will kill her. It seems as though a high percentage of these guys escalate to murder or they accidentally hit too hard one day and she never gets back up. Don't you at least have to try? If the outcome is the same at least you did what you could for you and your kids. Isn't there a point when you have to get fed up and just try something different?

Obviously, I have never been in this situation so it is easy for me to write these things. I get that. But, I don't get not doing whatever you can, if not for yourself then for your kids. It makes my skin crawl and my heart cry. God be with her and those kids. I hope one day, when she gets out of the hospital, the lights will come on for her.

Reunited or Not?

I really wish I could learn to blog when I am in certain situations. That way I could really see my emotions and how fast they change. For instance, last weekend my sister called me out of the blue. I have not spoken to her in over a year (Well, at best right at a year. I can't remember the exact date but it was this time of year). The conversation was odd:

ME: Hello
HER: Hey, what are you
doing?
ME: Nothing. I
just left your house from seeing
Mom and
Dad. (She stayed in her bedroom the whole time
I was there. I don't know if she knew I was there visiting my parents and
nieces
or not.)
HER: Yea. Do you have to work today?
ME: Yep. I work every
Sunday
HER: Well, I
might call you
back later then.
ME: OK. Talk to you later

After all that time it was like nothing happened although the conversation was pretty slim. By the way, I was very uncomfortable being at her house thinking she didn't want me there. When I left and we had this phone conversation I remember getting off the phone and thinking that if she really cared she would have apologized or acknowledged the situation or something. I should have wrote out a quick blog with my specific feelings, but I didn't.

I also had soft feelings for the friend that I had problems with about a year ago. The best friend who got a divorce and started ignoring me and being very self destructing, blah, blah, blah... Well, I had my brother-in-law, whom she is still friends with, tell me that she is having a hard time and that she isn't participating near as much in those self destructing activities. That same night she ended up texting me. I talked to her, on and off through texting, for a couple of days. I really said to myself that I am going to let go of all my hatred and hurt feelings and try to be friends with her again. Man, how I wish we could be friends again!

Lastly, I expressed feelings, out loud, to a friend about some religious things that have been stirring on the inside. I won't go into specifics (who wants to hear that!?) but I am having second thoughts about the augmentation surgery based on how I was raised. Which I sort of blogged about in my last entry, but my conversation with this friend was much more in depth about both subjects.

Now that this week is almost over I have flipped on all three of these situations. I have decided that I need to just deal with the fact that my sister will not outwardly apologize. Her call alone was her saying that she is over it and wants to move on. The problem is that I can't think of a reason to call her (for no reason) and reciprocate. I happen to know that she is being audited by the IRS and her landlord is kicking her out (I don't know if this is generated by actions of my sister or the landlord), which might be the reason for her finally calling me, but I don't care if it is or not. I have a sister and two nieces that I will always be there to help even though her reaction to my help is never going to be what I expect. It doesn't matter.

This friend whom I have a soft spot for has let me know that she is not the person I knew for 8 years before her divorce. Maybe she was that person at that time or maybe she has always been this person. If the latter is true then maybe she was living a life that was not her and she was truly unhappy. That would make sense because the drastic 180 was so fast. Maybe she kept that life up for so long and finally broke. Either way, at this point, the person she is now is not someone I want to be close to. I really, really want the person I was so close with back. But, unlike my sister, I am not willing to compromise. I know that the person I knew was so much better than the person I know now. I don't see that she has the right to take the easy way out of life. I know she is better. She let me know for 8 years that she is better.

As far as the religion and body-altering surgery goes, this is something I will struggle with for a long time. I know that I was raised in the church and that things I do don't reflect how I was raised. Just like my friend, I was once a better person. But, I can't stop associating with myself. Maybe I can't be friends with her because it subconsciously reminds me that I should be a better person too. Again, I could talk in circles about this for hours.

My point in this is that my opinions and feelings changed severely within a few days' time. Is it normal for me to have put this much thought into these things? Would another person have received the call from a sister and moved on not giving it a second thought? Is it psycho of me to miss this friend this much? Is this internal fight really warranted? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I am not passionate enough in my writing to really express what I really want to where these subjects are concerned. But should I even have the desire to express these things?

As you can tell I am having a mental health week! Hopefully it will pass and I can move on. For now, just wrinkle your nose at me and keep going!

How Much Sould Their Opinion Matter??

I had a great day yesterday. Nothing in particular happened, but everything fell into place and it was a good day. I have run everyday this week except yesterday because I had to work yesterday. I had a couple come in at 10 minutes til closing and ended up selling a car at 10:30 last night. Being that yesterday was the last day of the pay period I didn't mind being there a little late to make the sale. nice way to end the pay period. Today is the first day of the new pay period - obviously - so I need to get to work! This week I dedicated my extra time to running so next week I will dedicate my extra time to working.

I talked briefly about going to see my parents a few days ago. Unfortunately, I don't go to see them that often even though they don't live far from me. Reciprocally, they don't make it to my neck of the woods on a regular basis either. Therefore, you can imagine me being overwhelmed by the fact that my dad has been staying at my house all this week and my mom is coming in this weekend to spend the weekend. I love my parents. I really do. And we get along great. But, I always feel the need to entertain them or make sure they have food and everything they need while they are with me and sometimes that is overwhelming. I have a pretty busy schedule for the most part so that can put a damper on me making sure they are content.

Oh, and there have been an awkward moment or two. For about 2 or 3 years now I have been contemplating having breast augmentation surgery and have finally scheduled a consultation for it next week. I am still debating on whether or not to go through with the surgery, because elective surgery is kind of scary to me. In order to help me make the final decision to go through with it or finally abandon this notion, I scheduled the consultation so I will really know my options. I am so freaking excited!! And scared. I am definitely a little apprehensive.

My parents are fairly religious. I grew up attending church 90% of the time the doors were opened. My mother still goes to church regularly. Even though she is not the recruiting type, she is still pretty tight with God. Which is a great thing, don't get me wrong. But, they believe that we should not desecrate our bodies. Our bodies are a part of God's temple. My sister got a tattoo when she was 23 or 24 years old and my parents still talk about what a mistake she made. (even though she was obviously an adult at the time.) Needless to say, part of my reservation on getting the surgery is having to hear their opinions about it because I know they will be negative.

Dad and I were watching an episode of CSI and the episode was about someone killing a plastic surgeon. That evidently opened the door for Dad to go into a tangent about plastic surgery and how we should be proud of the body that God gave us and how no one has realistic expectations of the results (that part I do agree with). I just nodded and kept watching without really giving a response. I don't know if that was the correct thing to do or not. That should have been my invitation to mention that I am thinking about the surgery but I am a wuss and just could not do it! I know that this is my decision and my body, etc but I am not a fan of being the cause of my parent's disappointment!

*Sigh* Life is hard! no, seriously, I know that this is not a life or death problem. I would like some opinions as to whether or not I should let this concern play a part in my decision. Maybe I should just have it done and if they notice then acknowledge it. HA HA That would be very childish, wouldn't it? Or would that be the normal thing to do? I don't generally discuss things like that with Mom and Dad anyway. I have wanted this for so long. It is possible that I will go to the consultation and chicken out all together and this won't be a discussion. But, maybe not.

So the debate continues....

The Fun Girl

I have not posted anything in a while. Partly because I don't know that I have anything to say and partly because I don't know that anyone wants to hear what I do have to say. But that's OK. I totally understand if you want to change the channel. I have several things swimming around in my head right now and I will get to those, hopefully when my mind is clear enough to translate them to paper {ahem, I mean text}.

I went to an underwriting meeting for work today. This is a meeting where people from several different agencies come together at the invitation of a common carrier to talk about the new coverages the carrier offers or new things going on in the marketplace. Believe it or not, as dry as insurance is, most of the people who work in the industry are pretty outgoing. I mean, come on, we are a bunch of sales people. Most of us drink too much and talk too loud.

And that brings me to my issue. I used to be a fun person. I used to be the person who could stand up in these meetings, all eyes on me, and make jokes or bring points to the table, etc. As I sat in this meeting today watching and listening to a lady that was rambunctious and fun it became apparent to me that I used to be that way. Past tense. I didn't even realize it was past tense until I was in the presence of someone who exemplifies who I was. Or am.

I was loud; sometimes too loud. I was rowdy; sometimes too rowdy. I always had an opinion; sometimes too strong of one. When I started going through the original depression or whatever it was, I think I became gun shy. Obviously, these are not characteristics of a depressed person so I know that some of it was lost in that. But, in my climb out of the pit over the last few months, I have not regained some of that.

One thing that kept my downward slide going was that I didn't have my best friend to talk to anymore. I felt that I had done something wrong and that whatever that something was alienated her. Listening to my loud opinions is what made her mad at me so my answer to that is to shut up.

In the last few months I realized that what happened between she and I was not really my fault. We really did just grow apart. At a time where my life was moving toward the next stages in married life and the next stages of my financial life, her marriage was ending and she was experiencing single life. We did have friends choose sides and most chose her because most of my friends are single and/or party all the time. She was my partner in crime too. Because of that some of my outgoing nature came radiated from her. It was a real ego blow to not have the yin to my yang anymore.

In trying to keep my sanity I got a second job and I started working out and running. When you have that much of your time consumed sometimes you loose sight of the things that make you, you. I want to get back to being me. Or yet, I want to be a better version of me. I will give up some of the fun personality to be sane, but I need to go back to being everybody's best friend. I will try to keep myself intact but make more of an effort to reach out to people, both at work and at home.

This is another rung that needs to be added to the ladder. Sure, it makes the ladder higher but when you get to the top you are closer to the light bulb. Just something else to think about.

Grim Subject Matter

I am going to my mom and dad's house this weekend. They live in the boonies in Mississippi. It has been a long while since I have been down there. My mom's whole side of the family lives down there so maybe I will get to see some cousins and aunts and uncles that I have not seen in a while.

One thing I do want to do while I am there is go to the cemetery and visit my Nanny (Grandma). Maybe it is the prospect of going to this town where I spent my summers with her. Maybe it is because I have food nostalgia. I really don't know what it is but I have missed her the past few days. I wish I would have spent more time with her. I am sure most of us say that about the loved ones that have passed on to greater things. I haven't been to the cemetery since her funeral and I have never visited someone at a cemetery so I am a little anxious about it. Do you take a gift? Am I required to talk out loud like they do on the movies? HA HA OK I know the answers to both of those questions. Still, I am sure I will feel a little weird standing out there talking to Nanny, but it is a must do.

Something else I am looking forward to is running out there. My mom and dad literally live in the middle of nowhere. They are within a few miles of a larger city and there are paved roads, but there aren't any other houses. It is all farm land. (I know when you think of the boonies in MS you think of the movie Deliverance but it isn't that bad! Besides that's Alabama!) So, there might be a man on a tractor or a stray dog or two, but it should be peaceful, unlimited running.

I have a lot to look forward to this weekend. I hope everyone else has a good weekend!

Uncomfortable

I normally get along with most people I meet. I think most people would describe me as easy going. In fact, a friend recently said I am accommodating, which I am not sure is a compliment or not.

At work, there is a lady whom I really don't want to be around. This is at my day job so it is a smaller office with not a lot of people, which makes it difficult to avoid this person. When I first started working here I was OK with this person and we had several conversations and I thought she was pretty nice. However, as time has gone by it seems that she is THAT person who always has a better story or has had a worse experience. She also has a bad habit of interrupting when someone else is speaking. Sometimes I don't make eye contact with her so that hopefully she won't start a conversation with me. This is so bad!

I don't want it to be like this. I don't want to feel uncomfortable trying to avoid someone at work. On the flip side, I don't want her to be uncomfortable either. I hope I do a good job at not letting her notice that I don't like talking to her.

Here's a story for ya. I usually get to the office at least 30 minutes before business hours. Once, she came in about 15 til and asked me to go out and get her a sausage biscuit because she didn't have time to stop on her way to work. Now, if we are still 15 minutes from the start of work and if I have time to go get a biscuit, wouldn't she have had time too? I did go get her biscuit. I am not sure why, but I did.

This morning, she calls me on my desk phone and asks me to help her with the kitchen. Not knowing what she would need help with I comply. She brought doughnuts for the office (very nice of her) in honor of the return of a coworker that has been on medical leave for a while. She needed my help to get paper plates out of the cabinet. Seriously. There was nothing else. I got the plates, put them on the table next to the box of doughnuts and told her I was trying to finish a project (which I should be doing!) and came back to my desk.

As I said before, she is a very nice lady - no question. For some reason, I just don't click well with her. And I have no idea why she makes these odd, unreasonable requests from me. Or why I oblige them!

I know that I could have worse problems. I have definitely worked with less desirable co workers! My plan is to only speak to her when she speaks to me. Maybe that will politely indicate that I don't want to be social with her. Honestly, we don't have a very social office. No one here really goes out of their way to know anyone on a personal level. Which is sad (or good). But, maybe this lady won't think I am treating her any different than anyone else. This makes me feel so immature though!

Leave me a comment and let me know if there is a better way to handle this. It is not as though she is unbearable or anything but similar to an itch I can't reach to scratch.