Psycho Babble

Friday everybody got together to eat and do a photo scavenger hunt for my birthday, which was a nice surprise and I loved it! Dinner didn't really go too well but it wasn't too bad either. My husband kind of hurt my feelings when we were waiting to be seated and then I just couldn't get over it for some reason. On top of that, the place that we went to is always extremely busy and we always have to wait. So, with there being 12 of us, I fully expected to wait quite a long time. I just couldn't see going through all this trouble for my birthday, which by the way was the week before, which is why I couldn't see all the trouble. For this reason, I asked my husband if he thought it would be better if we went somewhere else. That's when he got mad and hurt my feelings.

Normally, none of this would be a big deal, but since I am not me anymore, I dealt with it differently. It is the things like this that really bother me and make me think that I should just be put out of my misery! I am usually annoyed at people who act the way I did, but my mind would not leave it alone.

These are the things that make me think that my husband is going to leave me or cheat on me or something. I am not the same person that he married. I get that. I am trying my damndest to get out of this, but nothing I have tried so far has really worked. I am going to keep trying, but in the meantime, he does act differently. He does not seem as interested in me as he used to be. So, day by day I just try to find who I used to be and I hope & pray that one day I will wake up and be that person again. I lost myself that way, can't I find myself that way?!

Anyhoo <--- don't you hate it when people use the word "anyhoo!? After dinner we did the scavenger hunt thing and I ended up on a team with my friend that I have mixed feelings about. In a previous blog, I mentioned that I am just going to be me around her and whatever happens, happens. Well, all in all it was fine. It was awkward for me for some reason. Not so bad when we were searching for the things on the list, but when we weren't "in the moment" things felt weird to me. Had I been the one to make the guest list for the night, I would not have invited her. And, to be honest I am sure she felt obligated to come. This is just so weird for me because we were so close and now I feel more awkward around her than I do a complete stranger. It is also weird because she is still friends with some of my family and friends. I can't get away from her! At this point, I would like to cut the losses and walk away from her because things will never be right, but I can't do that because so many people I know are friends with her. I don't like that we are basically pretending to be friends. I have gone back & forth on whether or not to be friends with her. To be honest, my uncertainty with her is one of the things that makes me think I am going crazy.

I know that none of this blabbering makes no sense and is not interesting to anyone but me but it helps me to get some things out. Eventually, I will be able to write about more specific things with my husband. Until then, please enjoy my idiocies!