The people in my support group tell me that I should try to write. That's right - support group! Doesn't that sound very stuffy and 1985ish? It always makes me think of Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates goes to those menopause groups - "ToWanda!"
I don't think that support groups are designed for my social media involved, tell-everybody-everything generation. We don't need to sit in a room in a circle together because we can post it for the world to see. But, still I go.
I would venture to say that no one likes going to a support group. Not to indicate that these groups don't help but just the fact that one is in a support group implies that there is an unpleasant issue or event that needs to be dealt with. I mean, I haven't ever heard of the Millionaire Support Group or the Most Beautiful People Support Group. Maybe those groups are, indeed, out there but not on my radar since I am neither. But, I think it is safe to say that normally when you hear the term, a negative connotation is attached. Unfortunately, my group is no exception to that rule. It is a grief support group. A support group for those who have loved ones who committed suicide.
If this sounds choppy it is because it is. It is hard for me to write the words. On July 1, 2010 my sister decided to end her life.
They say I should write her a letter. Well, I'm not ready for that. I wrote this. This is first. I will write more as it feels right.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Monday, July 6, 2009
Suspicious Minds
This is going to be a weird story but if anyone in Bloggy World has any experience with this I would appreciate the advice! A couple of months ago, after a long history of drug abuse, my cousin lost her fight with addiction. Because of the choices she made, some people in the family, including her sister, chose not to associate with her for the years prior to her passing. Since her death this has been a struggle of emotions.
My cousin was married for 12 years to a man that participated in the counteractive behaviors with her. It is not uncommon for husband and wife to share in addiction and of course, they usually fuel each other's habits, as it was in this case. She was pregnant when they married. Although she insisted for years that the child was/is her husband's we all had our suspicions that her daughter actually belongs to the guy she dated prior to marrying. That part of the story is actually irrelevant, as we always accepted the daughter as his and the three of them as a family - although a couple of weeks before her passing she did confess that she knew her current husband was not the father of her daughter. I guess I told that part to show that she had a tumultuous past.
Her and her husband had been on the outs and she was staying half the time at home and half the time with friends. And when I say friends I mean bad influence druggies that were taking advantage of her. At least that's what all indications lead to.
She was found on a Saturday morning lifeless on the couch where she had slept the night before. She had stayed at home the night before and supposedly made good with her husband. The story is that they had made amends and she was to live at home full time again. Her husband left that morning while she was still sleeping to run errands. He came home mid-morning supposedly to check on her and then headed out again to help a friend work on a car. She was notorious for sleeping for hours at a time without waking, so when he found her still asleep on the couch he decided that she had been continuously sleeping and therefore, no need to bother her.
An hour or so later he says he had a feeling that she needed him so he went home to check on her again. He couldn't see the rise and fall of her breath so he checked a little harder and found that she was not breathing. He started doing CPR on her when that didn't work he called my mother to say that he was taking her to the hospital. In short, she didn't make it to the hospital. We are not sure if she passed away on the way to the hospital, before he got there or even earlier that morning.
Because of some suspicious breaks in his story, there is talk that family members think he may have had something to do with her passing. Family members are trying to get the police department to launch an investigation. If anyone has experienced a similar situation I would appreciate an email. How much is enough to go on? There isn't that much to piece together but then again, there is. I guess I am trying to find out if someone were in this position how crazy did you think you were to think these things? I feel like a crazy person. And I must say that I am on the fence about his possible involvement.
This is probably the strangest thing I have ever talked about. Just putting it in writing leaves a lump in my throat. It makes it sound silly. I know I didn't go into the suspicions here, but I might in a later post, depending on how the next few days progress. In the meantime, my thoughts are with those who have been in this position before or those who wish they knew the real story.
My cousin was married for 12 years to a man that participated in the counteractive behaviors with her. It is not uncommon for husband and wife to share in addiction and of course, they usually fuel each other's habits, as it was in this case. She was pregnant when they married. Although she insisted for years that the child was/is her husband's we all had our suspicions that her daughter actually belongs to the guy she dated prior to marrying. That part of the story is actually irrelevant, as we always accepted the daughter as his and the three of them as a family - although a couple of weeks before her passing she did confess that she knew her current husband was not the father of her daughter. I guess I told that part to show that she had a tumultuous past.
Her and her husband had been on the outs and she was staying half the time at home and half the time with friends. And when I say friends I mean bad influence druggies that were taking advantage of her. At least that's what all indications lead to.
She was found on a Saturday morning lifeless on the couch where she had slept the night before. She had stayed at home the night before and supposedly made good with her husband. The story is that they had made amends and she was to live at home full time again. Her husband left that morning while she was still sleeping to run errands. He came home mid-morning supposedly to check on her and then headed out again to help a friend work on a car. She was notorious for sleeping for hours at a time without waking, so when he found her still asleep on the couch he decided that she had been continuously sleeping and therefore, no need to bother her.
An hour or so later he says he had a feeling that she needed him so he went home to check on her again. He couldn't see the rise and fall of her breath so he checked a little harder and found that she was not breathing. He started doing CPR on her when that didn't work he called my mother to say that he was taking her to the hospital. In short, she didn't make it to the hospital. We are not sure if she passed away on the way to the hospital, before he got there or even earlier that morning.
Because of some suspicious breaks in his story, there is talk that family members think he may have had something to do with her passing. Family members are trying to get the police department to launch an investigation. If anyone has experienced a similar situation I would appreciate an email. How much is enough to go on? There isn't that much to piece together but then again, there is. I guess I am trying to find out if someone were in this position how crazy did you think you were to think these things? I feel like a crazy person. And I must say that I am on the fence about his possible involvement.
This is probably the strangest thing I have ever talked about. Just putting it in writing leaves a lump in my throat. It makes it sound silly. I know I didn't go into the suspicions here, but I might in a later post, depending on how the next few days progress. In the meantime, my thoughts are with those who have been in this position before or those who wish they knew the real story.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Zoo Heat
In my last post, I mentioned that I had family coming. I wanted to be in good shape for this mini reunion. Well, that was this past weekend and I was not in the shape I wanted to be in, but I am getting used to that. I don't know if I have fallen into a trend of not being realistic or if I am just not working hard enough. I am aware that I am not putting as much effort into it.
No matter my physical shape, we had a good time. This was Mr. Man's weekend off from work so he smoked a pork roast so we could have lunch with everyone before going to the zoo. While it was 1000 degrees outside, we still had a great time walking around the million mile zoo. The Memphis Zoo has been listed as the highest rated zoo in America by the 2008 Cultural Attraction Benchmark, which sounds really hoity toity, but it really is a cool zoo. And it is HUGE. Even more HUGE when it is 1000 degrees outside. After walking around the zoo for 4 hours in the hottest part of the day, we went home and took a shower, then took a nap!
This weekend also consisted of me frying chicken for a house full of hippies, forgot my car at someone else's house and ordered the parts to fix my pool after our storm the other night. But, those are all other stories. I hope everyone had a great weekend and a happy Father's Day (for all the Dads!)
No matter my physical shape, we had a good time. This was Mr. Man's weekend off from work so he smoked a pork roast so we could have lunch with everyone before going to the zoo. While it was 1000 degrees outside, we still had a great time walking around the million mile zoo. The Memphis Zoo has been listed as the highest rated zoo in America by the 2008 Cultural Attraction Benchmark, which sounds really hoity toity, but it really is a cool zoo. And it is HUGE. Even more HUGE when it is 1000 degrees outside. After walking around the zoo for 4 hours in the hottest part of the day, we went home and took a shower, then took a nap!
This weekend also consisted of me frying chicken for a house full of hippies, forgot my car at someone else's house and ordered the parts to fix my pool after our storm the other night. But, those are all other stories. I hope everyone had a great weekend and a happy Father's Day (for all the Dads!)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
New Goals
My last day at job #2 was this past Sunday. It is a bittersweet end. I was proud of myself for the track record I had while I was there. I got to hang out with the husband and I had something to keep my mind busy while I went through a rather rough phase.
However, I did start slacking on my running and working out, which irritates me to no end. Running and working out had become such a huge part of my mental well being. It literally helped me sleep better at night and have a better attitude during the day. Not to mention the increased self esteem I had from looking better. I was able to carry both jobs and running several miles a week and doing strength training for a few months. Actually, I held it up for the better part of the last year, however there came a point where I would put my "all" into running one week or out everything I have into working another week.
Well, I am proud to say that today marks the day where I get back on track. I am kicking things off with a yoga class. I think that is a good start because it is a little lower key and will stretch me out some. The class that I picked out is with an instructor that I have never taken a class from and it is a type of yoga that I have never done before, which makes it exciting.
Like millions (or billions) of other females in America, I am re-starting a weight loss program. I hate being this on-again, off-again cliche', which is why I have to get my whole life back on track.
By the way - I have some family coming in 2 weeks that I have not seen in years. I want to be in a little better shpae by then (no miracles in 2 weeks). If anyone wants to engage in a challenge of sorts, please let me know. We can post pictures and compare pounds or body fat or something. Or maybe a 'miles run per week' thing. Let me know!
However, I did start slacking on my running and working out, which irritates me to no end. Running and working out had become such a huge part of my mental well being. It literally helped me sleep better at night and have a better attitude during the day. Not to mention the increased self esteem I had from looking better. I was able to carry both jobs and running several miles a week and doing strength training for a few months. Actually, I held it up for the better part of the last year, however there came a point where I would put my "all" into running one week or out everything I have into working another week.
Well, I am proud to say that today marks the day where I get back on track. I am kicking things off with a yoga class. I think that is a good start because it is a little lower key and will stretch me out some. The class that I picked out is with an instructor that I have never taken a class from and it is a type of yoga that I have never done before, which makes it exciting.
Like millions (or billions) of other females in America, I am re-starting a weight loss program. I hate being this on-again, off-again cliche', which is why I have to get my whole life back on track.
By the way - I have some family coming in 2 weeks that I have not seen in years. I want to be in a little better shpae by then (no miracles in 2 weeks). If anyone wants to engage in a challenge of sorts, please let me know. We can post pictures and compare pounds or body fat or something. Or maybe a 'miles run per week' thing. Let me know!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Work...Or Not
Wow, it has been a long time. I guess spring brought along lots of things to my To-do list and I have been doing all of those things instead of blogging. It has been quite a long month and an even longer couple of weeks. My cousin passed away and because she didn't pass of natural causes that ended up being a very consuming week. That brought along a lot of thoughts, feelings and arguments from all sides of the family. It is hard to deal with the death of someone who should not have died.
I had the flu for only the second time in my life. I don't get sick a lot. In fact, I barely ever get sick besides a migraine headache. This was different. My throat felt like a shower drain stuffed with hairballs and sludge, my ears sore and it sounded like water was slushing around in them. The water noise caused a headache, of course and my body just ached, in general. Between my cousin's funeral and me being sick I ended up taking a few days off work. it makes me feel like crap when I have to miss work.
Because of some of these things going on in my life coupled with some things going on at work (both jobs), I asked to take a leave of absence from my second job. I won't bore you with the details but what actually happened was I put my notice in to quit my second job all together. I didn't want to do that. I mean, I am OK with quitting, but I like that job. That's my job. I rule that job.
I need a break. I need a break bad! I am OK with quitting because I don't really need the job, but the money is nice. More importantly than the money, I like having something to do. On the weekends, because I know I have to be at work the next day, I stay out of trouble. This job has been therapeutic for me. I feel like my husband likes me more because of that job. It is something else that we have in common that draws us together. Also, if I didn't work there and know the ins and outs of it, I never would have made it through this economy with my sanity with my husband selling cars for a living.
But working every day at one job or another gets tiresome and I need a break. I feel like a failure for quitting though. I was using the money to help build a savings account for emergencies and that account is not to the point that I hoped it would be at before I stopped working. I am comfortable with what is there, I just didn't meet the goal I wanted to meet. That bothers me.
What is done is done. Coincidentally, my last day will end up being my 1 year anniversary - to the day. I didn't even plan that.
Now I am going to start going back to yoga and really start running again. I am going to get up on Saturday mornings and clean house. I will play with the dogs more and take them for walks. I will do all the things that housewives do, except I will still have my real job. I just feel like maybe that isn't enough.
I plan to really work hard and make what money I can for the next two weeks. I will also try to get used to the idea of not working after that. Hopefully, I will get rid of this guilt of not working before I actually stop working! My hope is to pick up enough hobbies to feel justified. If this doesn't work then I will explore options to get another second job. Would that be a second, second job? That might not go over well with the husband. Ugghhh, I hate being a grown up!
I had the flu for only the second time in my life. I don't get sick a lot. In fact, I barely ever get sick besides a migraine headache. This was different. My throat felt like a shower drain stuffed with hairballs and sludge, my ears sore and it sounded like water was slushing around in them. The water noise caused a headache, of course and my body just ached, in general. Between my cousin's funeral and me being sick I ended up taking a few days off work. it makes me feel like crap when I have to miss work.
Because of some of these things going on in my life coupled with some things going on at work (both jobs), I asked to take a leave of absence from my second job. I won't bore you with the details but what actually happened was I put my notice in to quit my second job all together. I didn't want to do that. I mean, I am OK with quitting, but I like that job. That's my job. I rule that job.
I need a break. I need a break bad! I am OK with quitting because I don't really need the job, but the money is nice. More importantly than the money, I like having something to do. On the weekends, because I know I have to be at work the next day, I stay out of trouble. This job has been therapeutic for me. I feel like my husband likes me more because of that job. It is something else that we have in common that draws us together. Also, if I didn't work there and know the ins and outs of it, I never would have made it through this economy with my sanity with my husband selling cars for a living.
But working every day at one job or another gets tiresome and I need a break. I feel like a failure for quitting though. I was using the money to help build a savings account for emergencies and that account is not to the point that I hoped it would be at before I stopped working. I am comfortable with what is there, I just didn't meet the goal I wanted to meet. That bothers me.
What is done is done. Coincidentally, my last day will end up being my 1 year anniversary - to the day. I didn't even plan that.
Now I am going to start going back to yoga and really start running again. I am going to get up on Saturday mornings and clean house. I will play with the dogs more and take them for walks. I will do all the things that housewives do, except I will still have my real job. I just feel like maybe that isn't enough.
I plan to really work hard and make what money I can for the next two weeks. I will also try to get used to the idea of not working after that. Hopefully, I will get rid of this guilt of not working before I actually stop working! My hope is to pick up enough hobbies to feel justified. If this doesn't work then I will explore options to get another second job. Would that be a second, second job? That might not go over well with the husband. Ugghhh, I hate being a grown up!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Put Up Your Dukes
Over the course of my life I have known a few different ladies that feel it is OK for their significant others to throw them around or beat on them (and/or their children).
When I was growing up we lived on the bottom floor of an apartment building with paper thin walls. I was friends with the girl whose family lived in the apartment above us. I could hear the (physical) fights between her mom and step dad when her mom didn't vacuum the floor like he wanted or when the kids didn't act like perfect angels getting up for school in the morning. The mom finally left with the kids in the middle of the day one day while he was at work. About a month later, we learned that he put their three year old daughter in the hospital. We learned this because he was a police officer and when police officers put their babies in the hospital by beating on them, they put it in the newspaper. I always felt bad, but never thought it was really my business to say something.
I bring this up because there is a girl at work that is being abused by her boyfriend. Just as if she were on a Lifetime Movie of the Week, she tells us about all the things he does to her so that we all hate him, they break up and she says it is over for good and then they get back together again. Surprise! This guy has left her in the middle of nowhere to walk for six hours to make it back home. He has hit her son, and now she is in the hospital.
I have listened to these stories for over a year. Everyone has told her what she already knows and she still insists on being with this guy. Because I know that people have offered for her and her children to stay with them and offered to help her in so many ways, I can not bring myself to feel bad for this girl.
I feel bad that she is so stupid and that she is putting her kids in the line of fire with this guy. They don't have a choice. She is very open about telling everybody at work every time he lays a hand on her or verbally abuses her so I have to believe that she is either asking for attention or asking for help. Since there have been several avenues of help offered to her, I can't help but thinking she needs the attention. I guess after getting beat up, it makes you feel better for someone to dote on you. I can understand that you would feel loved like that. But there has to be an end to this. Does she not understand that if she leaves this guy then someone will love her and dote on her without having to beat her up first?
I can't understand this mentality. I know some people are scared, but of what? If he beats her up how is that different than any regular Tuesday afternoon? Some say they fear that he will kill her. It seems as though a high percentage of these guys escalate to murder or they accidentally hit too hard one day and she never gets back up. Don't you at least have to try? If the outcome is the same at least you did what you could for you and your kids. Isn't there a point when you have to get fed up and just try something different?
Obviously, I have never been in this situation so it is easy for me to write these things. I get that. But, I don't get not doing whatever you can, if not for yourself then for your kids. It makes my skin crawl and my heart cry. God be with her and those kids. I hope one day, when she gets out of the hospital, the lights will come on for her.
When I was growing up we lived on the bottom floor of an apartment building with paper thin walls. I was friends with the girl whose family lived in the apartment above us. I could hear the (physical) fights between her mom and step dad when her mom didn't vacuum the floor like he wanted or when the kids didn't act like perfect angels getting up for school in the morning. The mom finally left with the kids in the middle of the day one day while he was at work. About a month later, we learned that he put their three year old daughter in the hospital. We learned this because he was a police officer and when police officers put their babies in the hospital by beating on them, they put it in the newspaper. I always felt bad, but never thought it was really my business to say something.
I bring this up because there is a girl at work that is being abused by her boyfriend. Just as if she were on a Lifetime Movie of the Week, she tells us about all the things he does to her so that we all hate him, they break up and she says it is over for good and then they get back together again. Surprise! This guy has left her in the middle of nowhere to walk for six hours to make it back home. He has hit her son, and now she is in the hospital.
I have listened to these stories for over a year. Everyone has told her what she already knows and she still insists on being with this guy. Because I know that people have offered for her and her children to stay with them and offered to help her in so many ways, I can not bring myself to feel bad for this girl.
I feel bad that she is so stupid and that she is putting her kids in the line of fire with this guy. They don't have a choice. She is very open about telling everybody at work every time he lays a hand on her or verbally abuses her so I have to believe that she is either asking for attention or asking for help. Since there have been several avenues of help offered to her, I can't help but thinking she needs the attention. I guess after getting beat up, it makes you feel better for someone to dote on you. I can understand that you would feel loved like that. But there has to be an end to this. Does she not understand that if she leaves this guy then someone will love her and dote on her without having to beat her up first?
I can't understand this mentality. I know some people are scared, but of what? If he beats her up how is that different than any regular Tuesday afternoon? Some say they fear that he will kill her. It seems as though a high percentage of these guys escalate to murder or they accidentally hit too hard one day and she never gets back up. Don't you at least have to try? If the outcome is the same at least you did what you could for you and your kids. Isn't there a point when you have to get fed up and just try something different?
Obviously, I have never been in this situation so it is easy for me to write these things. I get that. But, I don't get not doing whatever you can, if not for yourself then for your kids. It makes my skin crawl and my heart cry. God be with her and those kids. I hope one day, when she gets out of the hospital, the lights will come on for her.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Reunited or Not?
I really wish I could learn to blog when I am in certain situations. That way I could really see my emotions and how fast they change. For instance, last weekend my sister called me out of the blue. I have not spoken to her in over a year (Well, at best right at a year. I can't remember the exact date but it was this time of year). The conversation was odd:
ME: Hello
HER: Hey, what are you
doing?
ME: Nothing. I
just left your house from seeing
Mom and
Dad. (She stayed in her bedroom the whole time
I was there. I don't know if she knew I was there visiting my parents and
nieces
or not.)
HER: Yea. Do you have to work today?
ME: Yep. I work every
Sunday
HER: Well, I
might call you
back later then.
ME: OK. Talk to you later
After all that time it was like nothing happened although the conversation was pretty slim. By the way, I was very uncomfortable being at her house thinking she didn't want me there. When I left and we had this phone conversation I remember getting off the phone and thinking that if she really cared she would have apologized or acknowledged the situation or something. I should have wrote out a quick blog with my specific feelings, but I didn't.
I also had soft feelings for the friend that I had problems with about a year ago. The best friend who got a divorce and started ignoring me and being very self destructing, blah, blah, blah... Well, I had my brother-in-law, whom she is still friends with, tell me that she is having a hard time and that she isn't participating near as much in those self destructing activities. That same night she ended up texting me. I talked to her, on and off through texting, for a couple of days. I really said to myself that I am going to let go of all my hatred and hurt feelings and try to be friends with her again. Man, how I wish we could be friends again!
Lastly, I expressed feelings, out loud, to a friend about some religious things that have been stirring on the inside. I won't go into specifics (who wants to hear that!?) but I am having second thoughts about the augmentation surgery based on how I was raised. Which I sort of blogged about in my last entry, but my conversation with this friend was much more in depth about both subjects.
Now that this week is almost over I have flipped on all three of these situations. I have decided that I need to just deal with the fact that my sister will not outwardly apologize. Her call alone was her saying that she is over it and wants to move on. The problem is that I can't think of a reason to call her (for no reason) and reciprocate. I happen to know that she is being audited by the IRS and her landlord is kicking her out (I don't know if this is generated by actions of my sister or the landlord), which might be the reason for her finally calling me, but I don't care if it is or not. I have a sister and two nieces that I will always be there to help even though her reaction to my help is never going to be what I expect. It doesn't matter.
This friend whom I have a soft spot for has let me know that she is not the person I knew for 8 years before her divorce. Maybe she was that person at that time or maybe she has always been this person. If the latter is true then maybe she was living a life that was not her and she was truly unhappy. That would make sense because the drastic 180 was so fast. Maybe she kept that life up for so long and finally broke. Either way, at this point, the person she is now is not someone I want to be close to. I really, really want the person I was so close with back. But, unlike my sister, I am not willing to compromise. I know that the person I knew was so much better than the person I know now. I don't see that she has the right to take the easy way out of life. I know she is better. She let me know for 8 years that she is better.
As far as the religion and body-altering surgery goes, this is something I will struggle with for a long time. I know that I was raised in the church and that things I do don't reflect how I was raised. Just like my friend, I was once a better person. But, I can't stop associating with myself. Maybe I can't be friends with her because it subconsciously reminds me that I should be a better person too. Again, I could talk in circles about this for hours.
My point in this is that my opinions and feelings changed severely within a few days' time. Is it normal for me to have put this much thought into these things? Would another person have received the call from a sister and moved on not giving it a second thought? Is it psycho of me to miss this friend this much? Is this internal fight really warranted? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I am not passionate enough in my writing to really express what I really want to where these subjects are concerned. But should I even have the desire to express these things?
As you can tell I am having a mental health week! Hopefully it will pass and I can move on. For now, just wrinkle your nose at me and keep going!
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